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THE MUGDOWN TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of the Bye Week

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Your favorite collegiate satirical publication is back with another round of The Tailgate, featuring our most menacing opponent of the season: Return on Investment.


HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND HATE STARTING 5-2

BY 12TH MAN CARD

The Aggies just can’t get away from 5-2, can they? They did it under Mike Sherman in the Big 12, under Kevin Sumlin, and now under Jimbo Fisher. I know we’re supposed to feel good about it this year because of Clemson and Bama, but all I can think about is how we almost always finish out the season .500 or with a losing record. As well as we’ve played, tradition tells us things will fall apart in the back half.

But not this year.

For years it was tradition for janitors’ uniforms to stay in the closet during games, or for cadets to be blacked out on hooch with a Texas Woman's University student in their dorm the midnight before a game day. It was tradition to sit at games and it was tradition to not have a dog on campus. This season Jimbo and the team will join Peanut Owens, E. King Gill, and a host of rowdy, unnamed cadets from the early 1900’s as people who break Aggie tradition. This year, the Aggies are going undefeated to finish the season, and they’ll be playing on New Years Day, damn it.

This is no concern now, of course. The Aggies have reached the bye-week. Current students, this means you have to feel guilty about drinking before noon on Saturday. Yes, really. It also means you can use this day to do something besides spending ten hours on campus without drinking water. Read a book, ride a bike or go to the event your organization is having because it’s the one Saturday this fall where people aren’t tailgating. Reward yourself for not drinking all day by going to a much less crowded Northgate. It’ll be fun at first, but you’ll leave after an hour wondering why you decided to stay in College Station this weekend.

Former students, you have to spend time with your child on Saturday doing something they like. Are you really going to spend the only Saturday until December without Aggie football watching Michigan at Michigan State? You’ve never even been to Michigan, and before you know it your kid will be gone to college. Ask the little skipper to show you how to play Fortnite, or something else children love. As a former child, I know it would’ve meant a lot for my dad to play in the backyard with me instead of watching a random Big East game. If you feel tempted to turn on football, play Cat’s in the Cradle and you’ll be reminded to cherish every moment with them.

Aggies - 24
The March of Time - 17


CAST OF CHARACTERS

BY GINGERBREDASS

The state election is less than three weeks away, and at this point, every single person in Texas is tired of hearing about the midterms. Between the army of thirsty millennials calling Beto ‘Daddy’ for the last six months and Tedbot getting his dial stuck to candidate mode in late 2014, it feels like the lead up to this race has lasted an eternity. This weekend, amongst the barrage of social media posts, TV advertisements and a sea of yard signs, let’s take solace in the fact that the finish line is drawing near on this contest that pits an adult man who still skateboards and the intensely unlikable high school debate captain that never grew up against each other.

For our college readers, this is probably the weekend where you will have to face the music and go home, if logistically feasible. There’s no more hiding behind home football games, and with the first round of exams tailing off, you don’t have the schoolwork excuse either. Just dodge the grades question from your Dad and enjoy the last home-cooked meals you’ll eat until Thanksgiving.

This is probably the weekend where you will have to face the music and look up from the TV to spend time with your family. Sure, you could watch all the other college football games, but it is more obvious as an avoidance tactic when the Ags aren’t playing. Things have been better between you and Brenda since going to counseling after she briefly walked out a few years back, but you feel like you’re just going through the motions lately. You really need a few hours of football every week to just turn off your brain, especially with the overtime you’ve been pulling at the office and dealing with the trouble Hunter has been getting into at school. You just don’t know how to get through to that boy. Brenda is always saying that he takes after you and you can feel the divide between you growing larger with every damn phone call from that school.

Chatter on the recruiting front has been picking up with it being two months into official visit season. This bye week, let’s all take a break from real Aggie football action and devote our energy to the natural world’s most bizarre courtship/foreplay ritual. Divine some tea leaves, go prospecting in them-thar hills, and if you’re feeling especially frisky, go behind enemy paywalls to get the latest scoop on who’s taking visits where or whether that 15-year-old who’s somehow already 6’4 and 325 lbs is going to sign with us in two years. The fun part of recruiting is anything can happen. Maybe TexAgs will dupe themselves into producing a high-quality documentary for a guy that goes to t.u. again. Maybe there will be juicy signing day flips this year. Just remember the golden rule: don’t tweet at the ‘croots (unless you’re String) [EDITORS NOTE: ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE STRING], and as always— no interviews and respect my decision.

Warning: There are no jokes in this section. Our soccer team is one of the best in the country and the average Aggie sports fan should give them more support. If you live in College Station, please go to their game against Tennessee on Sunday. It’s the last chance to see them at home before the NCAA tournament, and you should take advantage of it if given the chance.

It’s 2 p.m. on a Saturday and you sink into your least beat-up couch with your two roommates to play some video games and maybe watch some TV or something. Despite all three of you professing that you’re going to have a “chill day” and “not get too drunk tonight”, one of you wonders aloud if there’s enough beer in your full-sized fridge and two mini fridges. You, in fact, have three thirty racks of Keystone and the remnants of countless six packs that guests have left from the various pre-games, game nights, watch parties and other social functions held at your house. You walk through your dirty, galley-style kitchen to get some chips and salsa as the assortment of empty liquor bottles leer at you from the tops of your cabinets, like villains of a western film surveying a hapless group of travelers from high on the canyon walls. Your other roommate concludes that the three of you should head to HEB to get more beer. You think you might have a problem for a second, but then you dismiss it.

The weather is finally cooling down in Texas and that one guy who opens every conversation by commenting on the weather is going into overdrive talking about how sunny and in the low 70s constitutes the perfect day. This person seems perpetually surprised by how the average temperature changes, even though College Station has a pretty predictable climate. Spool up an oft-parroted line about how nice it is outside as you see this individual approaching, and just thank your lucky stars you’re not talking to that other guy who always comments on current events, they’re kind of a downer.


FIRST CHURCH OF JIMBO OPENS IN COLLEGE STATION

BY SPACE CADET

Crowds on Church Street were filled with rapturous zeal on Sunday celebrating the opening service of the First Church of Jimbo.

The church is centered around the observance and praise of the great Father and coach Jim Fisher, known as “Jimbo the Almighty” to the faithful. The main tenets of the church are built around the promises of redemption and entrance into their paradise which they call the Bowl of Roses. The Jimboites are taught that, through determination and screaming in the face of demons dressed in black and white, they can defeat the crimson tide of sin and conquer the evils of Lucifer’s Servant Utopia (LSU), a place considered to be their version of the Judeo-Christian Hell.

Worshiper and sophomore agricultural economics major Philip Nevis spoke to The Mugdown about his decision to join the church.

“I’ve tried other churches, but I just didn’t feel like I was getting the most that I could out of them. I mean my last one wasn’t bad, but for everything I was putting into it, I still consistently rated my experience as an eight out of thirteen. Even when they had a $485 million renovation of their sanctuary it was just more of the same. I really feel like I’ve found a faith I can grow in with the Church of Jimbo.”

There are some skeptics of the new church, drawing parallels to the tent revivals for the Assembly of Johnny. While this church was able to revitalize religious life in Texas A&M, it has since fallen out of popularity and is currently believed to be attempting to find new converts in Canada.

Further concern lies in the fear that this church could fall to scandal like the Congress of Sumerlin did when it relieved three head pastors in a single a year and when rumors arose of gross mismanagement during missionary efforts in California.

Director of College Ministries Katie Lyons spoke on the mission of the church.

“I could tell you about our doctrine and theology, but the best way to understand our church is through the words of The Coach’s Prayer that we recite together every service. Our Jimbo, who art in Kyle, redass be thy name. By bowl games come, thy plays be done, away as they are at home. Give us this day our daily scores, and forgive us our flags, as we forgive those who flag against us. And lead us not into fourth downs, but deliver us from touchbacks. For thine is the stadium, and the sponsorships, and the glory forever. Amen.

The Church of Jimbo is expected to be a strong contender for students and locals on Sunday mornings, competing against other College Station churches, brunch and sleeping off a hangover.


WHAT TO WATCH FOR

BY LONGBOARD OF REGENTS

12th Man Productions Releases Punter Highlight Reel

At the midpoint of the season, the MVP race for the Aggies 2018-2019 season is beginning to loosen up. A clear-cut Aggie favorite has come to the forefront of on-field talent. With unparalleled consistency and next level expertise, this punter is the epitome of the Jimbo-Era talent that Aggie fans have come to expect. Announced on this week's episode of The Pulse, the new highlight reel is to be released in hopes to make opponents remember the time they played the Aggies’ Punter.

Students Realize How Boring College Station Is

As students begin settling into their semesterly routine. They can not help but realize the sad reality that is living in College Station. There’s nothing wrong with getting drunk at tailgates every week and preaching how “this is A&M’s year”, except for when there are no more home games until November. Weekly Northgate trips have declined to the point that visiting Foundies seems like a brilliant idea. A mass migration to ACL is currently underway. But hey, we can’t blame the migrants—it takes some serious drugs to forget about the sheer boredom of being in College Station.

Transitive Victories

Hear me out on this—we already beat LSU. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but let’s look at the facts: Saturday, October 6th, 2018: Texas A&M beats Kentucky 20 - 14 in overtime. Saturday, September 8th, 2018: Kentucky beats Florida 27 - 16. Saturday, October 6th, 2018: Florida beats LSU 27 - 19. What does this mean? Give it just a few more weeks and an Alabama loss, then you’re looking at a Fightin’ Texas Aggie Transitive National Championship. WHOOP!


ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

BY HELDENFALLS

Missouri @ Memphis
After loping into the arena, the Mizzou Tigers and Memphis Tigers will face off in a grizzly fight to the death on Saturday. Sources say it will be the most exciting gladiatorial showdown since ancient times. Seriously, though, how are we supposed to predict the results of this game? They both have tigers as mascots, are mediocre at football and continuously disappoint their rabid fan bases. What metrics are we supposed to use— football statistics? Nah. At least Mizzou has a snazzy nickname. Count this game as an opportunity to rest your weary eyes and maybe flip a coin after a beer (or seven) to decide the outcome.

Alabama @ Tennessee
What does Tennessee have going for them? Not much. Their logo is the strangest letter “T” I’ve ever seen, their dog mascot (Smokey? Really? That’s a bear’s name!) isn’t half as cute (or bite-y) as Reveille, and Alabama is surely going to trounce them come Saturday unless some Miracle on 34th Street level bullshit happens. Still, we owe them our undying loyalty for continually enraging t.u. fans by adopting orange and white and boasting about being the original UT. Sadly, since it’s an away game for Alabama, we won’t be entertained by Saban bemoaning #1 Bama’s less than impressive student section.


HOTREELZ

BY HULLAKAZOO


Fwd(TexAgs): This Season Is Over, Let’s Just Wait For Jimbo’s Recruits

BY HOMEWRECKING CREW

We knew it was going to be a year of rebuilding from the start. Jimbo is dealing with a team that he did not recruit, and he has done the best he can with what was given to him. Could we really expect to compete in the SEC West with recruits like Trayveon Williams, Kendrick Rogers, Jhamon Ausbon, Kellen Mond, Anthony Hines, Tyrel Dodson and Braden Mann? Of course not. Jimbo is bringing in much better talent, like 5-star recruit Kenyon Green out of Humble, Texas. I drove 20 hours to make it to his game last night— kid is a stud. I talked to him after the game and made sure to tell him how funny I thought his last Twitter post was. I want him to know we support him.

Also, look at Florida State. Jimbo left and they are really struggling without him. Anywhere he goes, the talent doesn’t matter. Jimbo matters. The coaching matters. That’s why our 2019 recruiting class is ranked number one. With these new recruits, we really have a shot at possibly beating Bama.

This all is really just another example of why we should have fired Summy sooner. He is having lasting effects on our team. Don’t even get me started on how Jimbo is changing the culture of our team…

—The Zoo


COACHES CHECK-IN

BY CHRISTIAN BUBBLE BUTT

Jimbo Fisher, Head Coach, Texas A&M - Fisher spent his week off finding new ways to fire up his fan base, including chewing out Reece Davis for not talking about A&M enough on College Gameday and drop kicking Bevo in the head.

Nick Saban, Head Coach, Alabama - Although he made sure to point out how good of a team Tennessee is, Saban was still furious at his team’s horrible performance Saturday after their win, specifically pointing out his third wide receiver’s bad route on the 34th play of the day.

Chad Morris, Head Coach, Arkansas - "The future is tremendously bright at the University of Arkansas with the addition of Chad Morris. I am confident that Chad will bring an exciting brand of football, phenomenal student-athletes and championships to Fayetteville, and do it all with integrity." - Hunter Yurachek, University of Arkansas Athletic Director, December 2017

Todd Herman, Head Coach, Texas - Texas is officially back, and Herman’s proud to have assured the Longhorns have a spot in the AP preseason top 5 for the next 10 years.

Greg Schiano, Defensive Coordinator, Ohio State - After leading Ohio State to their seventh straight win, Schiano was seen in his office feeling like he was in exactly the right place. As much as he would like to be a head coach for a major, struggling college program, reports show he’s happy to wait until he helps win enough games for a college program to sweep his non-existent child abuse allegations under the rug.


ROI'd RAGE

BY 12TH MAN CARD

There was debate about where to go on this one. Partially because I failed ACCT 229 twice and partially because while this was a close one, so much of what happened on the field was out of Jimbo’s control. That last Aggie drive was clock-running beauty, and the 36-yards we gave up in penalties on the Gamecocks’ last drive was pure foolishness. The meter moves positive this week because The Aggies beat our most hated rival and kept the Bonham trophy in Texas. Use some of the money to buy your secondaries a better phone plan, because last Saturday they had terrible coverage. Just kidding of course, the NCAA would shut down the whole program for breaking amateurism rules.


PLACE YOUR BETS

THE MUGDOWN STAFF


WORST CASE / WORSTER CASE

BY ANIME SCIENCES

WORST CASE

Jimbo, having a weekend free of America’s Greatest SportTM, decides to enjoy some quality time with his family in the BCS area on Saturday night.The Fisher family decides upon downtown Bryan and, after realizing that it is the best the area has to offer, Jimbo enters panic mode. Looking for a way out, he calls each one of his players.

“Meet for practice at Kyle Field in an hour”. “I can’t, Coach. I’m visiting my family.”
“Meet for practice in an hour” “Sorry, I’m at a date party.”
“Practice. Now.” “I’m busy, Coach.”

As his last bit of hope dies, Jimbo realizes he’ll never have anything but football if he stays at A&M. “But this is what I’ve spent my whole life doing. I’ve worked so hard for a job that pays as well as this,” he thinks. “Do I even enjoy it anymore? I could retire comfortably somewhere nice at this point.” After his family decides upon dinner at the nearby Subway, he promptly decides to quit, move to a more exciting town, and teach high school players for the love of the sport.

WORSTER CASE

His family decides instead to try a local restaurant. “Maybe this place isn’t so bad,” Jimbo thinks. “There is some culture here. I can make it through the season.” The image of quitting lingers in the back of his mind, but one season turns to two which turns to ten. Each season, he says he’ll leave, but the pay is too good. While he decides to stay, he quickly loses his momentum. He resigns himself to mediocrity and poor Return on Investments (ROI) ratings on Good Bull Hunting.