Your Texas A&M Aggies take on the South Carolina Gamecocks tomorrow, and despite this being a historic rivalry, it is sometimes difficult to generate much angst for an opponent whose mascot is a chicken. They’re fluffy, non-threatening and delicious. At least that’s what they want you to think.
To help you work up a frothing hate leading up to kickoff on Saturday, here are five moments in history when chickens were the absolute worst.
The Cretaceous Period
Believe it or not, DNA evidence suggests that the chicken is the closest living relative of the tyrannosaurus rex. Chickens may seem harmless now, but 85 million years ago they were the apex predator across much of what is now North America. They spent their time strutting around, eating whatever they wanted and just being general dicks to all of the other dinosaurs.
Every wedding at which it has been served
You know the feeling. You’ve been invited to an evening wedding, you’ve slogged through the ceremony that was at least 15 minutes too long, you’ve driven the to to reception (it was probably raining), and you realize you’ve been assigned to a table with the crazy uncle and mom’s best friend from college. All you’re hoping for is a decent meal you can scarf down before drowning yourself in whatever alcohol is available...and there it is. A limp, colorless breast of chicken. It was dry, it was flavorless. Screw you, chicken.
An assault on our beloved Chick Fil A cow
Some people will claim the chickens were justified, that the cow was promoting the brutal slaughtering and eating of poultry. But at the end of the day, this cow is just doing his job. You don’t see cows harassing the “Where’s the beef?” lady or Aaron Copland. Have some class.
Assassin’s Creed Odyssey
Video games have been poisoning the minds of our youth for generations. First it was kids being tricked into thinking all they needed to do to be able to fly is find a fox suit, and don’t even get me started on the millions who have been shocked to have been arrested by police after innocently stealing a car and going on a murderous rampage. But now our video games, already a hazardous landscape filled with fear-inducing elements, have been infiltrated by the most sinister foe of them all: chickens. When will it stop?
Rose Acre Farms Salmonella Outbreak
A dedicated faction of us have striven for years to eradicate these birds from the face of the earth, stooping so low as to cook and eat their unborn young to prevent the spread of the species. But it seems the chickens have found a way to strike back. Next time you bite into that breakfast burrito or chorizo omelette, say your goodbyes to your wife and kids first. This is a ruthless war that spares no one.