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In Light of Facemask Grab, Jimbo Fisher Should Coach Exclusively Via Emoji

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It’s time to adopt the language of the calm and rational, Coach Fisher

CFP National Championship presented by AT&T - Alabama v Georgia Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images

Morning. In case you’ve been living in an apocalypse shelter you carved out of your ambient landscape somewhere around the third quarter of the Arkansas game when things were feeling quite dicey, you’ve been made amply aware of this:

We’re not here to take sides, because frankly, the extremes from both sides are quite boring and predictable. No, Jimbo should not be fired, and no, this video is not evidence that a millennial snowflake movement is undermining our tough nation.

We’re just here to offer solutions. How about instead of expressing emotion via physicality, Jimbo uses a medium that everyone—youthful football players, obsessive fans, and fussy media personalities alike—can agree upon? We’re talking about Emoji Coaching.

Here are a few coaching phrases conveniently parsed into emoji for you, Coach Fisher:

Donovan, it would be of great benefit to this team, and the coaching staff as a whole would greatly appreciate it, if you could avoid ducking your head when engaging in a tackle, therefore removing any technical reasoning behind a targeting ejection penatly, please.

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Coach Turner, love the pants today. However, would you find it at all possible to watch the action on the field instead of the giant television when we play games in Jerry’s stadium? It would be greatly appreciated!

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Nick Starklel, we think it’s wonderful that you have fans. However, could you please ensure that your mother stops approaching ladies holding signs with your name on them on your behalf? It’s a bit weird.

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Tyrel Dodson, please accept my humblest apology for Saturday’s incident. I took a teaching moment and allowed emotion to get the better of me, and things got out of hand from there. You know that I care about you deeply as a player and person, and it will not occur in the future.

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Hello, Kellen. Please don’t forget to be aware of the presence of linebackers in the middle of the field. They can catch the ball also, and that’s called a turnover, and they’re just no dang good, are they?

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Anybody know when this week’s “The Pulse” comes out? Can’t wait to see the magical edit job they did on this sucker to make everyone happy.

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Ben Baby, you know you’re my favorite member of the Texas A&M Football beat media. I’m ready to sit down and offer you an exclusive one-on-one interview to tell you my side of the facemask grab story if you’ll have me.

Anybody got any more emoji coaching? Hit us with it.