Howdy! Y’all on the edge of your seats yet? Been shelling out for paysite subs like a drunken 18th-century sailor at a tavern on the eve of a great naval battle trying to learn who the new DC is 10 seconds earlier than Twitter? Well, we can’t tell you anything you don’t already know either, because just like everyone else, we’re just posturing and full of warm gas.
But what we can do is this: break down the official job posting for “Assistant Football Coach” as it appears on the job board. One quick note—this has been posted for 28 days, so it’s definitely not the DC position (OR IS IT?). Click the link to read in its entirety, but we hit the highlights below:
The Assistant Coach is responsible for assisting the Head Coach with the football program; provides instruction, demonstration, evaluation and teaching of sport to assure individual student athletes and team reaches maximum potential. Assist with administrative duties as assigned.
Hmm, first impressions would indicate that this is all fancy cover for the position of “get-back coach.”
Required Education and Experience:
Bachelor’s Degree or equivalent combination of education and experience may be considered.
1 year football coaching/teaching/playing experience.
Preferred Education and Experience:
Previous Division I college coaching experience.
Hoo boy, glad we’ve set the bar high on this one. “Hey, Bob, I really like this guy to assist the most highly-touted new head coach in America, but he’s only got 1.5 associate’s degrees and 11 months of high school football.”
At the direction of the head coach, provide instruction, demonstration and teaching the sport’s dynamics to student-athletes to ensure the maximum potential of individuals and the team as a whole. Assists in coaching team during scheduled events. Assists with the development and implementation of strategy to obtain maximum level of team and individual performance.
Egads! We’ve stumbled upon the secret to championship football. Simply apply the maxims in this highly robust description and you’re on your way to the playoffs. This is the administrative hiring speak equivalent of Patrick Bateman solving all of the ‘80s problems at dinner.
Performs administrative duties as assigned by Head Coach. These duties may include, but are not limited to: coordinating and arranging team travel, coordinating and arranging competitive schedule, organizing and scheduling practice sessions, updating and maintaining student-athlete recruiting databases,
READ: buy subscriptions to all the recruiting pay sites.
updating and maintaining files (both hard copy and video) of opponents, developing and distributing scouting reports on opponents, analyzing opponents’ film and scouting reports,
Love that we’re specifying hard copy files here. Want to throw in some of the mystique of a gritty cop drama to make it seem like this isn’t just mindless administrative drone work.
assisting in the requisitioning and purchasing of uniforms and equipment, organizing on-campus visits by prospective student-athletes (both official and unofficial).
THERE IT IS. Evidence that all along, coaches have been spending valuable time assisting with uniform selections instead of teaching the dang fundamentals.
Participates in media-related activities including newspaper, television, radio interviews and new conferences. Accepts speaking engagements and makes public appearances at schools, Aggie Clubs, banquets and civic organizations.
Newspaper, television, and radio only. NO BLOGS. EVER.
Other duties as assigned.
Yep. “Get-back coach” all the way.
What do we think? Anyone here have what it takes to apply?