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Unfrozen Caveman Recruiting Analyst 2018 Update

He once was a caveman. Now he’s a recruiting analyst.


Many days have elapsed since my last recruiting update. Apologies for the delay, ladies and gentlemen. As you well know, this industry is tough, especially when you accidentally slip in a crevasse and become frozen once again for a few years. No one grinds harder than me, Unfrozen Caveman Recruiting Analyst, to give you the latest interpretations on the musings of high school football players.

It seems that even more colorful hieroglyphics have been added to the lexicon in my brief three-year absence. Now high school kids can become “verified” just like my other favorite brands such as Sinclair Oil and GEICO. What an amazing time to be re-animated and newly-alive! But I digress. I am unsure why he has depicted a burning video machine, but by paying homage the the goat, one of the keystones of domesticated livestock dating back to the Iron Age, Leon has earned a solid four stars from this analyst.

Ah, yes! I have heard of these “5 k” events. Old Unfrozen Caveman Recruiting Analyst isn’t as clueless as you may think! It seems this young man has very selflessly opted to participate in a charity run and his ride fell through. Won’t someone please get him to the 5k! Solid four stars for sterling character.

Folks, I come from a time when people scribbled on cave walls or drew rough sketches in the dirt with sticks. Sometimes, your ingenuity in communication techniques continues to overwhelm me, despite my constant exposure to Twitter as one of the most successful and hard-working recruiting analysts in the industry. This system of bypassing the character limit to write a heartfelt missive is truly innovative, yet somewhat tiring for me since I still read at a Neanderthal level. Three stars here.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been forced to adapt to a shockingly different way of life that I was accustomed to when I was thawed out of that glacier several years ago. So much has changed on this planet in the 25,000 years I spent suspended cryogenically in time that I basically had to re-learn everything from scratch. Folks, I can tell you that inaccurate advice like this has made the adjustment just that much more confusing. I may have grown up on a basic subsistence diet of medium-sized rodents and wild roots, but even I know that in this modern day and age, one should pour the cereal into the bowl first and then the milk second. Two stars, at best.

Ah yes! I remember Aggies using tight ends from my time in the Pleistocene Era. Five Stars.