As the Aggie football team blew a 44-10 lead over UCLA by giving up 35 unanswered points late in the game, many wondered why? Several thought-provoking theories posited by fans aimed to explain Texas A&M’s collapse on Sunday night. We suck. We are bad. This is karma for tweets. lol November. Pimp cane is cursed.
Beyond the shadows, on Reddit presumably, there is another, more promising theory that likely involves the highest levels of Texas government and prominent area rappers. The University of Houston’s seemingly benign and hollow #HTownTakeover recruiting slogan exposes something much more nefarious than we ever imagined. Fed up with its status as a head coach stepping stone, UH developed a series of attractive saboteurs over the past two decades for eager programs to poach. Consider the following events supporting the Cougars’ play for in-state and, ultimately, world domination.
- Kevin Sumlin’s predecessor Art Briles left a smoking crater where the briefly-relevant Baylor football program once stood. He’s now spoiled goods on an international level, having been spurned by even the Canadian Football League for his complicity in the despicable situation in Waco.
- Kevin Sumlin’s successor Tony Levine is the active tight ends coach at Sumlin’s alma mater, Purdue. Nothing good happens at Purdue. We suspect Levine has been secretly groomed by the embattled A&M head coach to join the Aggie coaching staff mid-season, instituting an all-TE offense.
- Tom Herman, UH’s beloved and most recently-departed coach, built pyramids of hype this offseason after he took over the fledgling Texas Longhorn program. He proceeded to fall flat on his face in his debut, losing at home to a B1G bottom-feeder and allowing 51 points in the bargain. We are sorting through the trash thrown on the field by Longhorn fans in a search for additional ciphers and clues.
- Kyle Allen, one of Kevin Sumlin’s former QB proteges dismantled the shiny Aggie locker room in a now-famous quarterback battle with Kyler Murray that resulted in both players suspiciously transferring. Allen moved to the University of Houston, sight unseen, to join the organization at the center of this web. Murray transitioned to Oklahoma where Kevin Sumlin coached from 2003-2007.
- Tony Buzbee, the Texas A&M Board of Regents member who lashed out at Kevin Sumlin on social media, earned his law degree from the University of Houston. Was his brash opposition to Sumlin part of a 4-D chess move waiting to surface or just embarrassing incompetence within the university system?
We admit that we do not yet have hard proof of this conspiracy. However, please consider this quote from Mel Gibson’s character in the timeless American movie classic Conspiracy Theory: “A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line.” If you have any further information to support or debunk the theory, please add it to the comments below.