SEC Football Viewer’s Guide: Saturday, September 30th

Hey, gang. One more work week in the books. Last night we were treated to a thriller in Ames, Iowa, that surely finally this time certainly marked the resurgence of the Longhorn football program. Tonight there’s a pretty nice ACC matchup between Miami and Duke and then a killer nightcap featuring USC at Washington State.

And tomorrow, there’s...technically...SEC football.

New Mexico State at Arkansas | 11 a.m. | SEC Network

The Hogs already beat an A&M team this year, now they’ll try to beat some Aggies. Guess that’s one way to go about things. Watchability Factor: BERT eating baked vegetable crisps.

Vanderbilt at Florida | 11 a.m. | ESPN

Remember that one recurring dream you have where you’re wandering lost in the desert, your skin is flayed inside-out, and the only available beverage is Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi? That’s how this game feels about offense. Watchability Factor: living in a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

Georgia at Tennessee | 2:30 | CBS

Going to go ahead and unapologetically spoil this one outright. 1) Tennessee gets big lead. 2) Tennessee trips on own bumbling, phallus-shaped left feet. 3) Nick Saban System Of Doing Football The Nick Saban Way By Former Nick Saban Assistants is praised profusely. 4) Butch Jones becomes purple. Watchability Factor: Gary Danielson curating his own back hair.

Eastern Michigan at Kentucky | 3 p.m. | SEC Network

One of these teams has beaten a Big Ten team on the road this year, and one has lost to a team whose offense averages two touchdowns per game. Watchability Factor: three hours of TomoNews clips.

Mississippi State at Auburn | 5 p.m. | ESPN

Both of these teams are ranked. This is where we should make note of it in case both of them finish bowl-less this season. A repeat of the 2008 masterpiece would actually be an intriguing prospect. At least it would be close. Watchability Factor: swallowing the handful of pills you’ve found in grandma’s medicine cabinet and waiting to see what happens.

Troy at LSU | 6:00 p.m. | ESPNU

The cure for barely beating a mid-tier ACC squad at home: marinade in that disappointment all week, bring in a Sun Belt team for another round, and let the voodoo of the humid bayou nights work their magic. If this isn’t a shellacking there will be evil vibes emanating from Tiger Stadium en masse. Watchability Factor: the last 20 minutes of Event Horizon.

South Carolina at Texas A&M | 6:30 p.m. | SEC Network

Enjoy.

Ole Miss at Alabama | 8:00 p.m. | ESPN

[Bob Dylan holds up photo of Nick Saban, begins singing]

Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you've got no secrets to conceal

[Matt Luke blinks dumbly, calls slow-developing play-action pass on 3rd and 13]

Watchability Factor: a child burning ants with an aerosol can of hairspray and a Bic.