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Scattershooting Week Four: on rivalries, trophies, and not wanting Bama

Rabid Muschamp, a new rivalry trophy, and the unwanted return of Crappy MS Paint

NCAA Football: Penn State at Iowa
Hawkeye fans waive to the Children’s Hospital Saturday night
Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Byron Hanspard...

  • What an amazing atmosphere on Saturday night in Iowa City. A sold out crowd, a rocking sea of fans in gold and black sections around the stadium. And they stayed in a frenzy for a fantastic game all the way to the final seconds. On top of that, the fans showed off their newest tradition of ending the first quarter, turning to the Children’s Hospital overlooking the stadium, and waiving at the families above. On Saturday night it was beautiful to see the fans holding their cell phones lit up, waving them back and forth. If you haven’t already, go read Adam Kramer’s story about it over at Bleacher Report. It’s worth your time.
  • As a reminder this week, I fully believe Will Muschamp is infected with rabies and every offense he comes in contact with becomes ill. The signs are clearly there; foaming at the mouth, a crazed look in the eyes, abnormal behavior. If any of our players tumble out of bounds on that sideline, they need to get up immediately and run. Otherwise it could require 21 shots from the Dry Bean to cure the effects. Trust me, I was pre-med.
  • If a college football fan says “There’s a chance we could beat Alabama this year”, that’s better than a breathalyzer test. That person just alerted you that their BAC is above 0.8, likely closer to 1.2, depending on which fan base they represent. For instance if an Aggie says this, take the keys away and make sure they get an Uber ride home safely. If an Ole Miss fan is saying this, please escort them to the hospital so they can have their stomach pumped.
Ass Font
  • What is going on with these jerseys? That is one craptastic font choice. Who is “G”? Is there an X man on the team too? And since TCU needs wardrobe help, can someone find Gary Patterson a pair of pants that fit him? As a man that constantly fights against a waistline that wants to expand, I understand his plight. He is constantly tugging at his trousers, which are being pushed down by a belly full of hot wings, and he has no ass to help keep them up. But maybe some purple suspenders would do the trick. Give it a try Gary.
  • This week in crappy MS Paint...
  • I really want to grab a couple of Cohiba’s and hit the Fogo de Chão bar with Dave Wannstedt. We could talk mustache grooming and really nice leather wallets. And maybe invent a new cologne that smells like cedar, scotch, and ribeye and call it the “Pitt Prowler”.
  • Instead of the contrived James Bonham trophy, I say this rivalry needs the John Bonham trophy. After the post game handshake, the winning coach climbs up on a Ludwig gold sparkle drum set in the end zone and hammers away for a few minutes. Muschamp reminds me of Animal from the Muppets anyway, so he’d probably be down with this idea. And I’d rather hear Sumlin wail on the toms than give another canned interview with the A&M beat journos postgame. Alright, best rock drummer from the 70’s: John Bonham, Neil Peart, or Keith Moon? Let me know who you have and why.