SUCK TO YOUR ARKANSAS, PIGGY
I’m hitting reset. The real season starts on Saturday at 11:00 AM when the Aggies face off against their favorite SEC opponent, the Arkansas Razorbacks, in Arlington at Jerryworld. Before I get into the game, a few words on the Death Star. This game could be played in mid-October with 70 degree weather under the sun and Jerry would keep the lid on that stadium like it contained a supervirus. Take the top off your convertible once in awhile, Jerry. What are you worried about, the resale value? Just know that after you spend a day in the ship from Flight of the Navigator, you can hit up Arlington’s other great establishment, the “nice” Sherlock’s, for a drink while waiting out traffic. Just make sure you have a sober driver #responsibility.
For the past five years, the Aggies have owned the Razorbacks. These games have not wanted for drama, but the Aggies have always emerged victorious regardless of who is at the Quarterback position. Manziel? Good x2 for number 2. Kenny and Kyle? Notch 2 victories for half of the South Park crew before transferring. Trevor? He wasn’t going to let Katy Perry down. Now it’s time for Mr. Mond to take the stage and become the 5th Aggie QB in five years to take down the pigs.
We all know the narrative, this is two coaches on the hottest of seats battling for their jobs. The main difference between the two coaches is the amount of grease left in the hot seat when the coach leaves (hint: Bert’s seat will look like it had been cooking chorizo for 10 hours).
This game is going to be interesting, but if the Aggies can reestablish dominance on the LOS and get the running game going early with Ford, Bussey, and (Please, God) Williams trucking the ball and melting game clock - the Aggies have a good chance of taking this game from the Hogs again. It should be noted that with about equal carries and Williams missing one game entirely, that he still leads the Ags in rushing this year. We’ve been gifted three fun running backs, let’s feed the o-line some hate fuel and unleash the fury.
Or we could do the opposite of that. Who knows, this season is weird. BTHOpig, y’all.
Aggies - 35
Hogs - 28
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Well, if last Saturday wasn't an audition for a backup QB slot, we don't know what it was. We get it, Erik. You've got good arm strength. Now let's keep the snaps under control. We don't care how much Lanfear bet you that you couldn't hit the gigatron with a shotgun snap on Saturday.
#7 had a bit of a rough outing on Saturday. Mond is going to need an experienced senior to lean on in his first ever SEC game. Time for a breakout performance against some quality opposition. Feed him, it's truck month.
The sophomore has had a huge start to the season. He's notched a pair of sacks already and returned an interception for a score. He'll need to be on his toes Saturday in the run and pass game (hello, TE) to keep the Hogs in check.
Seems like there's been an Allen playing QB at Arkansas for a decade. This one's tough as nails, too. Just when you think you've got their run game bottled up he'll find a tight end on a seam for 45 yards. We know how to cover a TE, right? Hello? This thing on?
#33 goes 6-1 and weighs 230. This is a big, punishing, Arkansas-y running back. He's also the only Razorback to score multiple touchdowns this year. [dons Facebook persona] Hope our guys practiced tackling in between DJ parties and filming "The Pulse" this week amirite guys hey.
Tall, rangy safety with a nose for the ball. Ball hawk. Other cliches here. He's got the Hogs' only interception this season, so give credit where credit is due.
Henry Ford. Thomas Edison. Andrew Carnegie. All fine businessmen, yes. But did any of them even come close to matching the lasting monumental legacy that Jerry Jones has created with AT&T Stadium? Not a chance.
Today we honor the truly beautiful marriage between Business & Sport with a tribute to JerryWorld: to show what's possible when you are savvy enough to monetize a child's game until cash bleeds from the very earth you've scorched to build a legacy to yourself. This is what America's all about.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BIG BOY CLOTHES
Time for an Arkansas silly tribute uniform roast!
- Just like an Arkansas man to wear another man's jersey to the game
- Like Bret always says: dress for the job you want, not the one you're about to lose
- First squad to ever fail to make the playoffs in two leagues at the same time
- It's cool though, I coached a Pop Warner team that did the same thing
- How very NCAA to let these players dress up like they're getting paid
- Pretty cool of all these Razorbacks to dress as their favorite player Dak Prescott
- These uniforms are waiting by the phone for the XFL to call
- Ohio State ass uniforms
This week Tommy Tubberville told the Little Rock Touchdown Club that the Hogs should extend their contract with War Memorial Stadium to continue to play one game a year there after 2018. Much like the Southwest Classic agreement - which the Aggies and Razorbacks are in until 2024 because they hate you - the justification for this neutral site game is something something recruiting. But hey, the results of those recruiting dividends speak for themselves.
FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT
Last week our special teams guys tried a little trickery, and it worked in the sense that all special teams trick plays are awesome. It did not work in the sense that it was an 8 yard loss. But I believe in you, Tripucka. AVENGE ME.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#17 MISSISSIPPI STATE @ #11 GEORGIA
The Fightin' Cousin Eddies are riding high after committing dispassionate manslaughter in Starkville on Saturday. Georgia pulled out a squeaker in South Bend and then blew off some steam last weekend against Samford. But is LSU any good this year? Is Notre Dame? This is the most important game in the SEC this week, and the winner will be the favored challenger for Alabama's crown this season. Everyone in the country will be watching.
Except me of course, I'll be watching OU @ Baylor because I'm into snuff porn.
Fun fact: the Aggies do not play Georgia in College Station until 2024 - at least three head coaches from now, according to TexAgs forums.
66,066 DEGREES OF KEVIN'S BACON
Well, ULaLa certainly didn't do him any favors, but things were already so bad it's hard to make them demonstrably worse. Like my grandaddy used to say, "If you're already fuckin' a goat, people won't get more mad if you litter too." It was not his most popular sermon.
This week's Battle Of The Buyouts in Jerryworld should make some things happen though. A convincing win over an SEC opponent with a possibly undeserved reputation for playing tough in the trenches should cool things ever so slightly. An ugly loss and we'll have regents shooting their mouths and their tanks all week.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Mazzone takes 7 Xanax bars before the game, gets really mellow and says, “Ya know what guys, we gonna just run this motherfucker all night long.” Upon hearing this, the offensive line begins to foam at the mouth. Chavis unveils the new defensive motto for 2017: Larceny. Kirk and Austin thrive after the Arkansas defense tightens up and the Aggies roll into SEC play at 1-0. Sumlin finally buries his Bert voodoo doll, not needing it anymore.
Did you read that up there? The opposite of that. That’s the worst case. That, and I forsake football for eternity and start attending craft fairs while on a 6 month vision quest. If you do yarn art on mescaline you can talk to deceased relatives, and I have a lot of stuff to ask my granddad.