Texas A&M achieves #1 national ranking

After years of strong starts and lackluster finishes, Texas A&M has finally reached the mountaintop. It’s taken years of heartbreak, hard work and more class than even the classiest of Aggies thought they had, but on Thursday, it finally happened. Texas A&M was listed atop of the NCAA college football poll...for dog mascots.

So often we wondered if this would happen in our lifetime, whether we would toil in mediocrity forever. But finally, Miss Rev has achieved the impossible and hoisted the crystal bone*.

*There is no crystal bone that Good Bull Hunting is aware of and Reveille is very likely incapable of hoisting objects.

Reveille edged out Uga from Georgia, the generically named Jonathan from UConn, Smokey from Tennessee (suck it Vols!) and Dubs from Washington. This is the first dog mascot national championship in program history for Texas A&M, and all Aggies can commemorate the occasion with the official championship T-shirt, now available for $75 at all Loupot’s locations.

“Well actually Reveille also technically won this poll in 2013, when she finished second to the Arkansas State Red Wolves. The wolf, as we all know, is closely related to dogs, but the wolf’s species, canis lupus, is distinct from that of the domestic dog, canis familiaris,” said Stick Narkel, Fightin’ Texas Aggie Class of 2012 and general know-it-all. “So while all appropriate congratulations are due to Reveille IX, technically Reveille VIII was Texas A&M’s first dog mascot winner.”

Texas A&M Regent Tony Buzbee was reportedly so elated when he heard the news on Facebook that he immediately called for a contract extension for the Mascot Corporal. When informed that the Mascot Corporal was a member of A&M’s Corps of Cadets that changed on an annual basis, he bought another tank.

Meanwhile, Bevo suffered yet another embarassing season on the horned mascot circuit. The losses to Ralphie the buffalo and Ramses in North Carolina could have been forgiven, but handler Strom Lerman will likely be taken to task for losing to Rice and TCU’s mascots, considering you could question whether either of them technically even have horns. To make matters worse, former handler Marley Throng had a stellar season with his new bull, Rocky, in South Florida.

Congratulations to Reveille, and thank you for giving Aggies yet another reason to do what we do best: brag about awards and accomplishments we’re only loosely affiliated with. Gig ‘em!