Folks, a disclaimer: we are not here to shame this gentleman for overindulging. Pretty much all members of this editorial staff have been in similar situations before. It’s part of the collegiate/college football experience. You hit it hard out in the September sun all day long and by evening time’s kickoff, life is a haze of loud noise, swirling masses of people, heady aromas from the concessions, and the crushing onset of a massive headache. Unconsciousness can seem a welcome respite, especially when the football team is only slightly less lethargic than you are in your insensate state.
No, friends, we’re here to admire the various aspects of this video (courtesy of Total Frat Move’s Instagram).
This fella didn't start drinking on Saturday. Folks, this man drank hard and sad through the second half against UCLA and just let the bender ride through the week.
There's also a metaphor here - Nicholls was supposed to ease us out of one of the most devastating losses of modern history for Texas A&M. They were supposed to be our respite. Our soft landing. While the on-field activities abandoned that script all together, these two souls put on the performance of a lifetime.
Here's A&M - drunk. Confused. Unclear on what has happened over the last couple days. And here's selfless Nicholls - here for a good time and a paycheck. Welcoming A&M back into the safe harbor to nurse its hangover and get back up on its feet again. You get that obliterated and fucked up by UCLA, you need some Nicholls in your life. You need Pedialyte, a Budweiser tallboy, and Wedding Crashers on TBS to help soften your way through a hellacious hangover.
Near the end of the clip, we hear a woman utter in disdainful disbelief, “how did he even get up here?”
How indeed? It is sheer, alcohol-fueled willpower, lady. Trust us; if you’ve never been so inebriated before that you’ve attained feats you yourself can’t believe the next morning, you have no frame of reference. Once as a freshman we lost our car somewhere behind Northgate and managed to walk all the way back to a southside dorm in one boot without getting picked up by the cops. Don’t remember a bit of it. So to answer your question, this gentleman got up to the top of the Zone with ease, perhaps even with some degree of aplomb and flair, before hitting that critical window where his consciousness abruptly shut down. It happens.
But now let’s discuss the Samaritan that comes to his aid. An opposing fan, no less (classy!). This gentleman has panache. Beyond panache. A style seldom seen at Kyle Field. “Majestic” is not too strong a word here. At College Gameday before the Florida game in 2012 we made buddies with one of the Gator fans in pinstriped overalls sans shirt, and admired the degree of audacity that the SEC was about to bring to gameday attire at Kyle Field, which was traditionally stuffy and in need of flash. This man takes it to a whole new level. This is a Cajun Village People costume. This is a rock climbing instructor in a bad porno. This is your middle school weightlifting coach in moon boots and lake shades. This man is the real hero of this video, and we like to imagine that he traveled all the way through East Texas looking exactly like this, high-fiving rednecks along the way and basking in the catcalls.
There’s a shaky moment when this gentleman first comes to the aid of #51 where it almost seems as though he’s trying to make him Saw Varsity’s Horns Off by holding him by the elbow and leaning to and fro. Excellent Bull, if true.
Most importantly, very impressed with how #51 stood his ground and didn’t let anyone past him. Textbook pass protection. Must make inquiries into his eligibility.
We're left with only one question and it might be the biggest of all - where in the hell did this guy get a #51 jersey? For the last 10 years, you could purchase two replica A&M jerseys - #12 and #2. This fella went full backup walkon OL/LB and climbed to the very top of the Disney Hate Barn to try to find God.
Instead, he found Nicholls in some vintage Kenny Stabler cut off jeans and a t-shirt that should have a pack of Newports rolled up in the sleeve.
Don't tell us that this beautiful nation is divided.