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ALL CAPS PREVIEW-TEXAS A&M v. UCLA

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HERE WE GO AGAIN

Texas A&M v Arkansas Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

THE LONG WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT IS OVER AND FOOTBALL IS HERE. WE ARE GOING TO BE WATCHING REAL LIFE A&M COLLEGE FOOTBALL THIS SUNDAY AND MY EMOTIONS CANT QUITE PROCESS THAT THOUGHT RIGHT NOW WHICH IS KIND OF WHY I WRITE THESE EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE ALL THE SAME PREVIEW BUT AT LEAST IM CONSISTENT.

AND LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW CALM THE OFFSEASON WAS. SERIOUSLY WE HAD NO OFF COLOR JOKES ON POWERPOINTS. WE HAD NO TWEETS ABOUT HOW HIGH SCHOOL KIDS ARENT LOYAL. IT WAS JUST CALM PEACEFUL AND FULL OF FRETTING ABOUT WHOS STARTING AT QB FOR US.

AND NOW WE KNOW WHO IT IS. NICK STARKEL AKA NICK SPARKLE AKA THICC STARKEL (THAT’S ON YOU CUPPY FOR INTRODUCING THAT INTO THE VERNACULAR) AKA NICKTRILLAS STARKBALL. HE IS OUR SAVIOR AND WE SHOULD ALL BE FORWARD TO HIM BEING THRUST INTO THE HEISMAN CONVERSATION COME MONDAY MORNING AND HANGING OUT WITH DRAKE AND THE OVO CREW ON WEDNESDAY (IS DRAKE COOL ANYMORE I WASNT A HUGE FAN OF MORE LIFE. ILL BE HONEST IVE BEEN LISTENING TO BEYONCE’S LEMONADE A LOT WHEN I RUN THESE DAYS). IT’S JUST WHAT WE DO.

SERIOUSLY THO I WANT STARKEL TO FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT THIS PERFORMANCE THAT HE STARTS USING THE DRAKE JAMAICAN/CANDADIAN ACCENT WHEN HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE SEASON IN HIS POST GAME INTERVIEW TALKING ABOUT HOW WE GWAN DO BIG TINGS YUH DUNNO EH.

THIS IS THE PART WHERE I SAY STUFF ABOUT UCLA SO HERE’S STUFF ABOUT UCLA. THEY ARE A FOOTBALL TEAM WITH A QB NAMED JOSH ROSEN WHO ONCE SAID THAT OUR STADIUM ISNT LOUD. HE ALSO ONCE HAD A HOT TUB IN HIS DORM ROOM AND HAD A TERRIBLE MUSTACHE FOR A SPELL. ALL GOOD REASONS FOR US TO REALLY HOPE TYREL DODSON HITS HIM IN THE MOUTH LEGALLY...LIKE NOT TOO HIGH OR ANYTHING TO WARRANT AN EJECTION, BUT IN THE MOUTH NONETHELESS.

I WANT THIS WIN YALL. I WANT TO START THE SEASON HOT. I WANT TO START THE SEASON ROLLING DOWN HILL LIKE A BALL MADE OF BUTCHER KNIVES. I WANT OUR NEXT OPPONENT TO PISS THEMSELVES IN FEAR (looks at next opponent) OK SO MAYBE THEY WERE GOING TO DO THAT ALREADY BUT WHATEVER. I WANT THIS DAMN WIN.

WEVE GOT NICK SPARKLE THROWING TO A CHRISTIAN KIRK. WE’VE GOT TRILLVEON. WE’VE GOT WATTS. WE’VE GOT DEFENSIVE TACKLES WITH A COMBINED WEIGHT OF LIKE A THOUSAND POUNDS AND THAT’S ONLY DAYLON KINGSLEY AND ZAYCOVEN. LIKE THAT’S A CRAP TON OF WEIGHT AND THEY CAN PROBABLY STILL RUN FASTER AND JUMP HIGHER THAN EITHER ONE OF US.

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN YALL. LET’S DO THIS. LET’S GET THIS THING DONE. YOU’VE GOT 50 SOME ODD HOURS TO FOCUS AND CHANNEL YOUR HATE RAYS AT THE SOOTHING COLORS OF UCLA. LET’S TAKE THE FIRST STEP TO STARTING OUT 5-0 AND THEN HOPING FOR THE BEST.

GAME 1

NICTRILLAS

TRILLVEON

CAPTAIN KIRK (BECAUSE HE’S LEGIT ONE OF THE TEAM CAPTAINS)

WE’VE GOT OUR OBLIGATORY CRAZY LONGHAIRED LINEBACKER WHO PROBABLY JUST WANTS TO DRINK BEER AND F STUFF UP.

WE’VE GOT THIS GAME. THIS IS OUR DAMN GAME. THIS IS OUR DAMN SEASON.

BEAT

THE

EVERLIVING

HELL

OUTTA

UCLA