Five Ways To Kill Time This August Before Football Season

The good news? It’s nearly football season. The bad news? This month just seems to crawl along at a snail’s pace. Here are a few simple ways to make the time go by a bit more quickly:

Construct a 1/16th scale model of the City of Cleveland using nothing but Pirate Lego sets.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! A burning river! Uh...The Cleveland Clinic! The list goes on. Engage in countless hours of fun by re-building this entire city full of beautiful landmarks using nothing but swashbuckling Lego men and pirate ship materials. Be sure to avoid the temptation of using a Treasure Island to represent FirstEnergy Stadium.

Consume the entire Sue Grafton “Alphabet” series of detective novels in reverse order.

The sparky mystery writer is known for her work on TV movies and the long-running series of novels that span over the last 35 years and whose titles encompass every letter of the English alphabet. Begin with “Z for Zero” by obtaining the as-yet-unpublished manuscript from the author and continue all the way back to “A for Alibi” to chart the regression of small-town gumshoe Kinsey Malone as she becomes less and less proficient and her small California hometown slowly bleeds away population and complexity. What better way to kill time by the pool?

Rearrange the particle makeup of the known universe to access a quantum wormhole and travel forward in time.

Pretty straightforward, right? We’ve all seen it in the movies. So why don’t more people do it? Sheer laziness. All you need is an advanced working knowledge of physics, millions of dollars worth of equipment, and a total moral conviction that you have the spiritual authority to alter time and history. And hey—don’t forget to pack an extra change of clothes: if the 2017 season doesn’t work out the way you’d like, you can always keep skipping ahead until you find a year you really enjoy.

Become lost in the Australian Outback.

Well, “lost” is such a relative term these days. With satellite and GPS technology, it’s extremely difficult to go completely off the charts. For a quick way to kill a few weeks, simply stock up on water cans, drive your off-road vehicle several hundred miles into Great Sandy Desert, and torch the vehicle to remove the temptation of escape. Your fevered hallucinatory wanderings should be more than enough to occupy the rest of the month until rescue teams finally locate you, and the recovery from extreme dehydration and sun blisters will be a great conversation starter once you return home and start attending those tailgates!

Read nothing but YouTube comments on Scandinavian death metal/muppet rerun mashups for a month.

Sounds crazy, right? Perhaps, but it’s still preferable to what College Football Internet is about to offer you for the next few weeks.

Enjoy your August pursuits, and we’ll see you on the other side!