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MILLENNIAL BLITZKRIEG ON INDUSTRIES CONTINUES

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Do you buy things? Well those days might be over, bucko.

Occupy Wall Street Activists Mark 2 Year Anniversary Of Movement Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Little known fact so stay woke, readers - millennials are the real terrorists. If you like something, chances are a millennial is actively killing it right this minute.

The illustrious content porta-potty media outlet Business Insider recently released a list of industries that those goddamn millennials are killing.

You see, the flawless Boomers, for decades, have magnanimously propped up meaningless industries with frivolous spending, loose credit, and keeping up with the Joneses. Heroes. Shame on Millennials for not following in the Sketchers Shape-Ups footsteps of their elders.

Let’s pay proper respect to these industries while they waste away in hospice before they RIP in peace.

Casual dining chains like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s

In August, Applebee's announced it would close up to 135 restaurants, in part because it focused too much on winning over millennials and forgot its "Middle America roots."

Sounds like a metaphor for the Democratic National Committee nahmsayin, folks? [chest bumps Kid Rock]

Another little known fact - did you know that American troops enjoyed a meal together at Buffalo Wild Wings before storming the Beaches of Normandy in WWII? And NOW Millennials are just going to let this patriotic restaurant DIE? Disgusting.

Beer

In late July, Goldman Sachs downgraded both Boston Beer Company and Constellation Brands based on data suggesting that younger consumers prefer wine and spirits to beer, as well as the fact that they're drinking less alcohol than older generations more generally.

I’m utterly appalled. Who do these little shithead millennials think they are? Drinking less than previous generations? Next thing you know they’ll be trying to kill alcoholism, drunk driving, and domestic abuse. NOT ON MY WATCH.

P.S. I feel like the only damn things I hear ‘llennials ramble on and on about are soccer and craft beer.

Napkins

Younger consumers are opting for paper towels over napkins, according a Washington Post article from 2016.

The Post points to a survey conducted by Mintel, which highlights that only 56% of shoppers said they bought napkins in the past six months. At the same time, 86% surveyed said they had purchased paper towels.

Paper towels are more functional than napkins and can be used for more purposes. And the Post noted that millennials are more likely to eat meals out of the home, contributing to the decline.

I am speechless. Just revolted by the horrors of the Millennial generation. Who do these Biebers think they are murdering napkins?

When Dick Napkin and the Napkin family invented napkins, they surely didn’t think that all their heroic efforts would be shat upon so dismissively by the youths of America. For shame.

“Breastaurant” chains like Hooters

People ages 18 to 24 are 19% less likely to search for breasts on the pornographic website Pornhub compared with all other age groups, according to an analysis conducted by the website.

For "breastaurants" like Hooters and Twin Peaks, a loss of interest in breasts is bad for business. The number of Hooters locations in the US has dropped by more than 7% from 2012 to 2016, and sales have stagnated, according to industry reports.

Hooters has struggled to win over millennials for some time now. In 2012, the chain attempted to revamp its image with updated decor and new menu items to attract more millennial and female customers.

Didn’t think it could get worse, did you? These Millennial n’er-do-wells can’t even appreciate overpriced wings, objectified 21 year-olds named Krystal, and a nice set of yabbos. The way they are killing off playful sexual harassment and misogyny is despicable. And the fact that they are searching for “breasts” less than our Vietnam Veterans on porn sites is deeply concerning and downright disrespectful.

Don’t be surprised if Hooters starts to serve avocado toast while looking like a Lumineers concert. Nauseating.

Cereal

Almost 40% of millennials surveyed by Mintel said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it, The New York Times reported in 2016.

These entitled little shits are just too good to eat processed, empty calories, aren’t they? How are they going to develop heart disease like their forefathers without stuffing their faces with Frosted Mini Wheats? The hits just keep on coming. RIP in peace, Captain Crunch.

Golf

"From the golf industry statistics, we know that rounds are down," Matt Powell of the industry-research firm NPD said in a video in 2016. "We know that millennials are not picking up the game, and boomers are aging out. The game is in decline."

While millennials have created new fitness crazes, like SoulCycle and barre classes, golf has failed to capture their interest in the same manner.

Listen here, Millennials. Golf sells itself. Tell me you don’t want this:

  • Five hours walking around a patch of land that ravages natural resources
  • A hobby that is fucking maddening in its difficulty
  • A hobby with fussy, arbitrary etiquette adored by the richest dickhead from your high school class
  • You keep telling us about student loan debt. Put a sock in it and join a goddamn country club, OK?
  • Don’t miss the opportunity to be the guy in the office who wears the Masters polo and is loathed by everyone. We call him Golf Prick. He’s awesome.

[NOTE: I love golf... and I’m a millennial]

Motorcycles

It’s like these entitled little shits don’t want to get T-boned by an opiate-addicted Boomer on a Houston interstate. Selfish snot-nosed pragmatists. SMH.

Homeownership

Homeownership is hitting record lows among millennials,

"We believe the delay in homeownership is due to tighter credit standard and lifestyle changes, including delayed marriage and children," Michelle Meyer, a US economist at BAML, wrote in a recent note.

Don’t these pipsqueaks know that you’re supposed to get CREATIVE with credit and extend yourself as far as you can with a big HOUSE? How the hell are people supposed to know you’re RICH? Millennials thinking they’re so damn special for not creating a housing crisis of their own. Get off your high horse, Madisyn and Tanner!

RIP IN PEACE, HOUSES.

Yogurt - especially light yogurt

Yep. Your deepest fears are being realized, folks. Light yogurt is on life support. Sickening.

The decline in light yogurt can be traced to a growing demand for natural, protein-rich foods that fill up health-conscious consumers, instead of simply low-calorie and low-fat options. That's been a huge help for Greek yogurt, which appeals to customers seeking a filling option packed with protein.

On the flip side of the rise of protein and organic options is the fall of sugar.

Low fat-diets were the norm in the US in the 1980s and '90s. As food makers worked to cut fat from products, they began replacing it with another ingredient: sugar. As a result, "light" yogurts were often packed with sugar yet advertised as low-fat, healthy choices.

MILLENNIALS = HEALTHY IDIOT MURDERERS.

Bars of soap

Not only are millennials killing bars of alcohol by selfishly drinking less, they are killing the antiquated, disgusting version of soap - BARS. Why, in my day, an entire family would wash their undercarriages with the same bar of soap. Now? Single millennials are using AXE LIQUID SEX SOAP before going on a date to non-Applebee’s.

Bar soap sales fell 2.2% from 2014 to 2015, a time when the rest of the shower-and-bath category grew, according to Mintel.

And, millennials are to blame.

"Almost half (48%) of all US consumers believe bar soaps are covered in germs after use, a feeling that is particularly strong among consumers aged 18-24 (60%), as opposed to just 31% of older consumers aged 65-plus," Mintel wrote in a press release.

Why can’t you precious snowflakes all share one big bar of soap like we do at the nursing home?

Diamonds

Fewer millennials are getting married, and those who are are increasingly choosing nontraditional rings, CNBC reported.

As sales of diamonds have slowed globally, trade associations such as Diamond Producers Association have attempted to win over millennial customers by retooling how the jewels are branded.

Really - who do these Purell Prima Donnas think they are? Millennials are just going to let an industry run by corrupt, unethical monopolies shilling arbitrary stones used for superficial status DIE? What do they think makes a marriage happy? If it is something other than status symbols, they are SORELY mistaken.

Fabric softener

Sales of liquid fabric softeners fell 15% in the US from 2007 to 2015, The Wall Street Journal reported. The market leader Downy fell 26% in the same period.

According to Downy maker Procter & Gamble's head of global fabric care, millennials "don't even know what the product is for."

If these whiny turd millennials won’t mindlessly buy whatever meaningless, unnecessary product Procter & Gamble shoves down our throats, then who will? Enjoy walking around in itchy clothes, ‘llennials.

Banks

Millennials distrust financial establishments and rarely visit physical banks.

Idiots. There are literally ZERO reasons to not trust financial establishments. They are full of brilliant, ethical boomers.

While banks themselves will probably never die, bank branches and physical bank locations may soon be a thing of the past.

Bold take: I don’t think banks are going to actually die but Millennials are going to sure as shit put them in a wheelchair with a feeding tube. SADISTS.

Department stores like Macy’s and Sears

As millennials flock to fast-fashion brands like H&M and Zara, Macy's and Sears have suffered. Sears is closing more than 300 Sears and Kmart stores this year, while Macy's plans to shutter 68.

Part of the reason is that when millennials do spend money, they're spending more on experiences like restaurants and traveling. Millennials are less drawn to aspirational, designer brands, and they're perfectly happy saving money by buying private-label lines, which further hurts traditional department stores.

Good luck finding a pair of handsome, pleated Dockers at H&M that drop a cougar’s panties, Millennials.

Designer handbags

Brands like Michael Kors and Kate Spade have been forced to sell handbags at major discounts as millennials lose interest (and lack the money to spend on the bags). In some ways, the brands' mega-popularity contributed to their downfall.

Goddamn morons are spending money on wasteful things like rent and food instead of a beautifully obnoxious $2000 grocery sack. What is the world coming to?

Gyms

While millennials like to workout, they're ditching gyms in favor of boutique, class-centric centers.

"Millennials don't want to be tied down," Megan Smyth, the CEO of FitReserve, a service that lets members book boutique studio classes, told the New York Post. "It's a spontaneous demographic."

In July, Foursquare found that mid-market gyms like 24 Hour Fitness, Snap Fitness, and New York Sports Club lost 5% of their gym visit share in the past year, as boutique fitness visits grew.

Oh, I see. Coddled little hellions think they’re too good for comically overpriced gyms that lock you into inescapable contracts? What - I bet you’re going to tell me they don’t like the perpetual sexual harassment from the Gen-X personal trainers, too, right? So picky. My stepdad didn’t fight in the Gulf War so he couldn’t hit on the tight bod at Bally’s, OK?

Home improvement stores like Home Depot and Lowe’s

LOL see above - these dipshits are too poor to own homes to improve.

Football

Both college football games' attendance and NFL viewership have recently declined.

Analysts said the drop could be tied to numerous things — the 2016 election, protests as NFL players have taken a knee during the national anthem, or that the game has simply gotten more boring.

However, one explanation would directly target millennials: Younger people are ditching cable at an increasing rate, leaving them to watch games in groups or simply stay updated on their iPhones.

I think it’s safe to say that Millennials are worse than ISIS despite making up literally all college and NFL football players.

Oil

Millennials' conception of the oil industry means that it may struggle to find workers — and customers — in the future.

McKinsey found that 14% of millennials say they would not want to work in the oil and gas industry because of its negative image — the highest percentage of any industry. And a recent survey by EY found that millennials "question the longevity of the industry ... Further, they primarily see the industry's careers as unstable, blue-collar, difficult, dangerous and harmful to society."

Teens are even more critical, with two out of three saying the oil and gas industry causes problems instead of solving them.

Look, no one grows up wanting to be a prostitute or an accountant or a resident of Houston, but everyone grows up wanting money.

Millennials (including yours truly) must be executed before they start killing the really good stuff like cigarettes, porn, Waffle House, and boomers.

If you’re a Millennial, what are you planning on killing next?