Daily Bull 8.23.17: Dabo Swinney to Texas A&M Yeah Right OK Sure

If you needed confirmation that we are now in the last fiery throes of the maddening off-season, the final desperate attempt to churn these waters into a violent frothy tsunami intent on capsizing everyone’s sanity, we’ve got unchecked and completely fantasy-oriented coaching carousel speculation kicking off already, courtesy of the DMN:

But the Ags have their sights a little higher. I think they will make a run at [Clemson's] Dabo [Swinney] if things go south with Sumlin.

IT’S TRUE, NO, OK? I USED THE FLIGHT TRACKER APP AND THERE WAS A PLANE FLYIN FROM SOMEWHERE OVER SOUTH CAROLINA DIRECT TO EASTERWOOD WELL YEAH OF COURSE THEY DIDN’T LAND THERE BUT THEY PROBABLY LANDED NEARBY AND THEN DROVE INCOGNITO IN A NORMAL LOOKING CAR TO AVOID SUSPICION I MEAN DABO SWINNEY WOULDN’T WANT ALL THE MEDIA ALL OVER HIM RIGHT NOW PUBLICLY IF HE WAS CONSULTING ON THE SLY ABOUT THE TEXAS A&M JOB (WHICH BY THE WAY OF COURSE HE WOULD TAKE, JUST LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS HERE THAT ARE BIGGER WE GOT BIGGER STADIUM, BIGGER STUDENT SECTION, BIGGER ACADEMICS, YOU NAME IT) HE’D JUST PROBABLY KEEP A LOW PROFILE AND DO A LITTLE HOUSE HUNTING AND MAYBE CHECK OUT A RESTAURANT OR TWO.

[deep breath]

I’M JUST SAYIN’ OF COURSE DABO SWINNEY WOULD COME TO A&M IN A HEARTBEAT HELL AGGIELAND IS THE FINEST PLACE ON EARTH WAY BETTER THAN SOUTH CAROLINA WE GOT A TORCHY’S NOW AND EVERYTHING PLUS TRADITION WE ARE THE ONLY SCHOOL WITH THIS KINDA TRADITION HANG ON WHAT’S DABO’S TWITTER I NEED TO TELL HIM DIRECT-

Folks. Hate to say it, but they got you. This was done just to rile you up. You, specifically, because no one gets crazy in late August like college football fans. Nick Saban’s not coming to coach here, Urban Meyer’s not coming to coach here, and Dabo Swinney’s not coming to coach here. They’ve preyed on the miserable alignment of late summer anticipation, hot seat rumors, and an Aggie’s immense school pride to float this chatterpoint out into the ether and let it take hold. Texas A&M is indeed a wonderful place, and all of us, if we were successful coaches, would no doubt move to College Station and gladly accept vast sums of money to work in a place we all love. But the world these coaches inhabit is so much larger than the one we see through the lens of following one football team. Do we throw a ton of money into the football program? Of course, but so do dozens of other programs around the country. That doesn’t make us unique, it’s the cost of existing on this plane.

Enjoy these rumors for the insanity that they are and the absurdity that they can produce. Just don’t entertain them.