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Nick Saban ain’t got time for no eclipse

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NFL Draft Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

“Big deal. Solar eclipse. I guess if we’re celebrating stuff that hasn’t happened since the ‘70s we can throw in Notre Dame multiple championships too.

Anyway, seen it on TV once, don’t need to see it again.”

Does Nick have better things to do? You’re damn right.

  1. EAT 13 OF A TURKEY WRAP. The eclipse happens around lunchtime. Nick Saban eats a turkey wrap for lunch every day. It takes Nick Saban approximately six minutes to eat his turkey wrap. The eclipse will last roughly two minutes. Do the math and try to keep up, please.
  2. ANALYZE FOUR SECONDS OF A TRAP PLAY FLORIDA STATE RAN AGAINST BOSTON COLLEGE LAST YEAR. The game against the ‘Noles is approaching rapidly. Two minutes should be sufficient time to effectively break down this specific play, which went for a gain of three yards (unacceptable!), thoroughly enough to identify trends and develop assignments for each position on the front seven of the defense. Maybe.
  3. CALL ONE RECRUIT. Who will be the lucky high school football player who gets to speak to Coach Saban during the actual total solar eclipse? Sorry, that’s premium information, please leave your credit card info in the comments.
  4. WALK 514 STEPS ON A TREADMILL WHILE LISTENING TO REO SPEEDWAGON’S “ROLL WITH THE CHANGES” UP TO THE SECOND CHORUS. The average person can walk roughly 200 steps in a minute. Nick Saban fueled by this epic jam is anything but your average person.
  5. EARN ABOUT $45. Nick Saban is making $11.125 million this year. That’s $21.17 per minute. Have a nice day.