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Texas A&M to Build Premium Donor Village on Empty Campus Spaces

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Tailgating is too hot, lacking amenities, data suggests

Texas A&M University is currently constructing a 250-room, 250,000-square-foot on-campus hotel, which is scheduled to be open in time for the 2018 football season. But in order to satisfy the ever-growing demand of high end donors and dignitaries, A&M will soon be embarking on an even grander endeavor that will be the premier destination for VIP accommodations not just in college football, but in all of luxury travel and accommodation.

Beginning at the conclusion of the 2017 season, greenspaces such as Simpson Drill field and Spence Park will be closed, and work will begin on the Learfield Sports Premium Donor Village. The village will encompass more than two million square feet of hotel, retail, restaurant, parking space and other amenities strictly for the Aggies' biggest donors, all within walking distance to historic Kyle Field. It will ensure that donors never have to leave campus for anything.

"The Learfield Sports Premium Donor Village is a revolutionary vision, and will be the envy of every fundraising organization in the world," said Chancellor John Sharpe. "Having such a broad range of services extends our donor base not just beyond supporters of Texas A&M, but beyond people who even care about football at all. Imagine all the amenities of tailgating, but without having to expose yourself to sunlight or ambient noise or odor. It’s truly visionary."

When asked why the village will take up space usually utilized for tailgating and student activities, A&M officials cited recent internal data indicating apathetic donor attitudes towards tailgating, spending time out of doors, and interacting with those below their station.

“We really love tailgating...just not the heat, the noise, or the crowds,” said one donor who wished to remain anonymous. “This will really give us the best of both worlds.”

"It's just nice to be able to get the Waffle House experience without the traditional Waffle House clientele. College students and entry level employees have no place in premium college athletic environments, and we want to ensure we get the maximum fun for our buck," added the immaculately-attired donor, who earns more in trust fund interest in one week than you do in a year, and has not graced the non-suite area of Kyle Field since once accidentally getting lost trying to get reception for a huge early-model cell phone in 1991. "What makes events like this fun is the exclusivity. Why go to a game when you can observe the peons from your own personal Whataburger? The patty melt is so much better with Kobe beef anyway."

In order to ensure the village spaces are not overrun on game weekends, eligible donors will be given RFID-chipped lanyards, combined with a biometric finger scan. This ensures a comfortable experience for donors whether they're shopping for necessities at Costco, catching at movie at Alamo Drafthouse or gassing up for the drive to their private jet at the state's first private Buccee's. In addition, hotel guests will enjoy the new Southwest Rapid Rewards Sky Elephant Walk, which allows them to travel directly from the hotel to Kyle Field's club level in a quiet, climate-controlled environment.

Naming rights are still available for up to 5,000 potential donors. These include anything from high-end anchor retail locations, to designated “football watch” television kiosks, to electronic charging stations, to premium urinal cakes in the stainless steel and brushed-nickel personalized urinals that adorn each suite. More details will be made available to the general public at a future time.