Daily Bull 7.7.17

SWAMP ASS FROM HOT THRONE. This isn’t news to the regular readers - my two squads are the Aggies and Irish. Passionate, traditional, rabid fan bases of two perennial underachievers. Well according to CBS Sports, there are two coaches heading into 2017 with extra toasty seats and then there is everyone else. Yep - no shock - Sumlin and Kelly are in precarious spots heading into key seasons.

I told y’all that it isn’t necessarily the quantity of wins, but how (and when) we get there. Unless things go really well or really poorly, I think Sumlin is coaching for his job in November. Home against Auburn and then two roadies to Ole Miss and LSU to cap things off. Winning two out of three there probably saves him. But really - who the hell knows.

VIRAL HYENA COMING STRONG. Just a flawless take down from our Photoshop sensei RCB of the Longhorns and their new partnership with Corona. You know Corona - renowned brewers of fermented Mexican skunks.

GBH’s marketing guru ninja a-hole Chet Norsworth had a hand in this press release. I mean look at this fucking thing...

"There really isn't anything more emblematic of the state of Texas than the storied history of the four-time football national champion Texas Longhorns," said John Alvarado, VP of Marketing for Corona Extra. "Corona is honored to be a part of the legendary Longhorns lore, and we're excited to raise our Coronas and Hook 'em Horns this season as part of a statewide platform."

"Texas is proud to join with the Corona Extra team to promote the excitement and pageantry of collegiate sports," said Texas men's athletics director Mike Perrin.

Goddamn the Kardashians are more authentic than that prose.

BREAKOUT TAKES. The Dallas Morning News (I know) churned out five dudes to keep an eye on this season:

5. Justin Dunning LB. Please God stay healthy and know how to run fast and tackle humans.

4. Charles Oliver CB. Please God know how to run fast and make plays on the ball.

3. Larry Pryor S. Please God be as funny as Richard Pryor so this team stays loose and remembers that Football is Fun.

2. Anthony Hines LB. Please God prove me wrong in my belief that the state of Texas is now a black hole for linebacker talent.

1. Jhamon Ausbon WR. Please God let this guy give a damn. We’ve had too many talented WRs that lacked damns to give.

YOU’RE BASICALLY A FORTUNE 500 CEO TOO IMO. In case you live under a rock (I’m jealous), Aggies online are bragging about the school leading the charge with the most Fortune 500 CEOs of any institution (tied with Michigan but whatev). This makes YOU, dear reader, an abundantly successful executive yourself. Forget the fact that you’re reading this stupid website from a cubicle at your forgettable adult daycare job while waiting to die in Plano/Sugar Land/Round Rock/Frisco/Cypress/Katy/Addison. Because you’re a big swingin’ dick executive, you’ve over-extended yourself on a McMansion made out of balsa wood and Latvian tin foil. RICH AGGIES.

HERE’S A CHEERLEADER PIC AS AN OLIVE BRANCH FOR OUR SPARSE DAILY BULLZ.

Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Please forgive us (me). Have a helluva weekend. Seven weeks until college football.