SEC Media Days: What to Expect from the Media in Day 1

Remember, it’ called SEC Media Days.

This ain’t “SEC Players and Coaches Days” or even, god forbid, “SEC Fans Day.” No, folks, this week is all about the brave and tireless souls who get paid to diligently watch the sport we all love and to ask the really tough questions.*

*by this we obviously mean saying “talk about” at a press conference

No one works harder at letting you know how hard they work than the self-important sports journo. That’s why at this point, early in the morning of Day One of SECMD17 you’ve already been made aware of several things:

• air travel is not flawless. No, it’s true! Bags get misplaced, people are forced to wait longer than advertised, and conditions are a crapshoot. Yes, it even happens to celebrities like your favorite local beat reporter. Good to know it’s not just to regular joes like us.
• look, ma, we did our homework. Nothing screams “due diligence” like manually writing out in longhand text that is provided to you in multiple digital and print formats. This is true preparation. Sensai-level self-flagellation. This is the pinnacle of what SECMD is all about. If you see that a reporter has hand-written index cards, you better stop and pay attention son. Media is about working harder, not smarter.
• proof of attendance. Photographic evidence that they have, in fact, arrived in Hoover. Pictures of luggage, taxi transit, event swag, hotel rooms, hotel lobby, hotel bar, laminated credentials, the materials assembled at their assigned seat, and so on. Presumably you only follow this person for the express purpose of reading about your football team. So you naturally assume they are attending the biggest media event of the year surrounding SEC Football. But there they are nonetheless, bright-eyed and innocent as children, showing us that they’re at it again.

There are other trends to look for on social media, but you get the gist of it. This morning will be a flurry of barely-contained anticipation until just before lunchtime when the show officially kicks off.

Bret Bielema:

The media loves to make things just like other things. And since last year was the first one in approximately three eons that didn’t feature Steve Spurrier, they decided that BERT was the new OBC. Sure, he’s just like Spurrier, only without the wit, likability, and coaching acumen. Getting up in front of a camera and bumbling out whatever’s on your mind is not the same as shrewdly carving them up for decades without them even realizing it. The media prefers Bielema because he doesn’t hurt their feelings like Spurrier. He’s not even the most interesting coach of the day. That would be

Ed Orgeron:

“ENERGY DRINKS LOL.” Don’t expect the media to be shy about kicking this old meme to death. Meanwhile, COACHO will be weaving a verbal spell in his unique cadence until you are hypnotized into truly believing that LSU will feature excellent QB play in 2017.

Butch Jones, football automaton:

This is so the rest of us can take a nap. But the true and self-serious journos will eat this up because he’s the only one today who will treat the event with the level of gravitas they believe it deserves.

Tune in today at 11:30 on SEC Network if you’ve nothing better to do.