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Patriotically Enhanced Gamedays: These Kyle Field Features Promote a True American Experience

Let’s gear up for gridiron season!

University of Oklahoma Sooners v Texas A&M Aggies Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

HOWDY! Y’all ready for autumn Saturdays at Kyle Field yet? While we’re still a few months out, now is a time to look at all the enhancements available to you as a consumer at the modern pinnacle of college football catering that will make sure you and everyone around you are showing an adequate amount of patriotism.

Dutifully Respectful American Nachos: Kyle Field introduces nachos that won't crunch when you're stepping off the wood but need to stuff your gullet. Just the right amount of Rico’s Cheese Sauce is added to the chip batter mixture to ensure minimal crispiness/crunchiness.

These Colors Don’t Run: Ever want to enjoy a delicious red, white, and blue AstroPop, but also show respect at all the proper moments during pregame ceremonies? These sub-arctic pops are frozen cryogenically and then immersed in liquid nitrogen so that you may purchase them an hour before the game, hold them reverentially during the entire Corps march-in, the National Anthem, and Texas, Our Texas, then devour them reverentially and greedily without suffering a single drop of melting (not safe for children under 18).

Rough Tough Ear Muffs: How To Prevent Your Child From Hearing Snowflakes Taking Selfies During The National Anthem Flyover At Kyle Field. Available where seatbacks are sold. (May also protect against hearing loss, so use at your own discretion.)

CrispBreeze™ Technology: In an effort to show unyielding support for our troops, A&M engineers developed American flags that ripple majestically even in windless situations.

BLUE STAR CHAMBERS: A luxury suite for TexAgs Politics posters which is just an engine room in the bowels of the stadium where all dissenting noise blends gracefully into one single constant hum of unending screeches.

Introducing NEW APPS!

UNCUVR (Universal Need to Coerce Uncovering Very Rapidly): This app will be free and available to all Kyle Field patrons upon connecting to stadium WiFi. It uses GPS tracking and geothermal satellite imagery to triangulate and pinpoint patrons in your section who are wearing caps so that you may berate them accordingly for displaying an utter lack of respect for everything.

FTABtrac: This public service app connects you to a secure server so that you may send multiple texts to report when people in your area leave, sit down, or just plain do not show the proper level of awe and reverence during the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band’s halftime performance. Stadium staff will compile your descriptions with seat imagery technology to pinpoint the offenders and shame them publicly on the video boards throughout the second half of the game.

LipidFACT: This health app allows you to debunk fake news information about your favorite delicious deep-fried Kyle Field concession. Just snap a photo of your most beloved corndog, funnel cake, or chicken-fried-steak-on-a-stick-of-mozzarella and the app’s texture recognition software will instantly display the positive nutrients that clearly outweigh the meaningless details, such as calories and cholesterol.