Five Reasons Texas A&M Football Will Finish 8-5 Again

Three more months until college football is in full swing, but it’s never too early to begin preparing for yet more disappointment. Here are five reasons the Aggies might finish 8-5 for the fourth season in a row.

Coast-to-Coast: California and Florida

The Aggies will visit two of college football’s most iconic settings this year: The Rose Bowl in Pasadena, and The Swamp in Gainesville. Some fans may look upon this as an exciting opportunity to check off a few boxes: to visit a pair of the more legendary venues in the sport. Those fans are overlooking the disheartening fact that this is just the universe presenting Aggie Football with two more grand stages upon which to suffer a crippling and monumental meltdown. Yep, it’s goodbye to double-digit wins and hello 8-5 season number four as the Aggies lose devastating heartbreakers in these beautiful and picturesque settings.

Kevin Sumlin’s Obsession With The Number Eight

Think about it. What year did Kevin Sumlin first serve as a college head coach? 2008. What jersey number did he give Trevor Knight to come in and help salvage the 2016 season? #8. Yep, from his figure-eight-shaped box hedge maze he’s carefully cultivated in his backyard, to his elaborately-scrolled “OCHO” chest tattoo, Kevin Sumlin simply cannot get enough of the number eight. He will continue to intentionally win precisely eight games per season, fueled by this mad obsession, until the Board of Regents grows brave enough to stop him.

Baby Boomers, Millennials, and/or Generation-Xers.

As the world descends rapidly into the dark abyss, age groups are already turning on one another in an attempt to lay the blame at each others’ feet. From the death of chain restaurants to the collapse of the entire economy, the finger-pointing is already in full effect. Since the New Army/Old Army debate has been raging at Texas A&M for decades already, this is a natural extension. If we can shame an entire age group for the demise of the country’s stability, a mediocre football record should be easy!

Something Something Texas ESPN, Probably

They’re out to get you. You, specifically. The Longhorn reach is everywhere. From getting ranked in the Top 25 each season, to getting their own network, to getting constant fawning attention in the media, it is abundantly clear: ESPN, the owner of the immensely profitable SEC Network that features Texas A&M constantly, has a hidden agenda that dictates Texas A&M must be portrayed in a negative light because of an ingrained Longhorn bias. If they can control the polls and the location of pro sports teams, then fixing a team’s results at exactly 8-5 isn’t too far-fetched. Remember, it’s not just about making the beloved University look bad, it’s a personal vendetta against YOU for attending it.

TATEWARI, THE HUICHOL GOD OF FIRE

TATEWARI QUITE UNHAPPY WITH TEXAS A&M. TATEWARI REQUIRE THE CUSTOMARY BURNING OF FIELD TO CLEANSE THE SPIRITS FROM THE LAND BUT TEXAS A&M ERECT VAST STONE FORTRESS AROUND KYLE FIELD TO PREVENT CLEANSING FIRE. MUST CLEANSE IN OTHER WAYS. EIGHT WINS JUST ENOUGH TO FOOL AGGIES INTO OPTIMISM BUT NOT ENOUGH TO SATISFY LUST FOR GLORY. TATEWARI WILL CONTINUE TO EXTRACT EIGHT WINS UNTIL TATEWARI ALLOWED TO BURN KYLE FIELD AND COVER THE ASHES WITH FEATHERS TO ENSURE ABUNDANT REGROWTH OF MAIZE AND SOTOL. TATEWARI ALSO DOES NOT LIKE AGGIE BAND MUSIC.