When it’s Wednesday and there’s a specific need for content filler, the rest of the editors of GBH turn to me and say, “Write it, we don’t care.” That’s the level of trust instilled in my abilities by this writing staff, and I take it very seriously. This week, I turned to you, the loyal Wildcard reader, and asked what the worst event you’ve ever been to was like.
Now, there were a lot of interesting submissions. We had a fat polka party (actually sounds fun), some crappy Aggie football memories (they’re still events), a bad blind date (sheesh), and even our very own GBH Meetup (shocking, we know). The resounding theme, however, were weddings and their related activities.
@thacktor Dry wedding in Mansfield of two people who became awful during engagement. Also a great night, hanging out in the parking lot the whole time— Jeff Baker (@YNWABaker) May 8, 2017
@thacktor Any wedding reception without booze.— Shooter Flatch (@texasagsec) May 8, 2017
@thacktor A baby shower for my friend's wife. He hated being there. I hated being there. He doesn't drink so there was no booze. No sprots either.— SleeperG (@SleeperG_TX) May 8, 2017
@thacktor Anything with the word "shower" attached to it that a man is required to be present at has to be up there doesn't it?— Mike (@mikeag96) May 8, 2017
@texasagsec @thacktor I've been to a dry, outdoor wedding in Corpus in June. Fucking hell.— Jimmy Gardner (@jimmygards) May 8, 2017
@texasagsec @thacktor Went to one where the toast was done with Orange Julius. Cheered out loud when they divorced a year later.— Wes Hammit (@weshammit) May 8, 2017
@thacktor @weshammit I've told my wife that I am owed alcohol for attending someone's wedding. To deny me that is an insult.— Shooter Flatch (@texasagsec) May 8, 2017
@weshammit @thacktor @texasagsec A wedding without hooch is like the girls who would dunk their Aggie Rings in giant bowls of ice cream at Swenson's.— Mikie (@19Mikie99) May 8, 2017
Weddings, done correctly, are the most fun parties one gets to attend as an adult. In the proper context, you’re surrounded by friends, family, food, and enough booze to knock Gary Busey off the wagon.
Maybe we should back off the booze order a touch, y’all. Buddy Holly scares the shit out of me now.
Back to the point, a good wedding will give you stories for life, strengthen friendships, and lead to a couple having a wonderful life together. Then there’s the shitty wedding. You know what I’m talking about. There’s no dancing, there are finger sandwiches, and the beverage selection is straight out of Dante’s level of hell where the 7th grade mixers live. Those things had to have inspired at least 80% of John Mayer’s lyrics.
If I’m forced to attend your shitty wedding, I should get to attend your eventual, spectacular divorce. It’s statistically proven that 7 out of 10 couples who have shitty weddings get spectacularly divorced within 5 years. I said “spectacularly” for a reason. This isn’t “the spark just isn’t there anymore” “I agree” “let’s get coffee every now and then because I really do love you” “I know. I love you too, but sometimes things end, and that’s just life.” divorce. This is “OH MY GOD YOU’RE FUCKING THE BABYSITTER ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S QUILT MADE OUT OF OUR FAMILY WEDDING DRESSES FOR GENERATIONS” divorced.
The other three out of ten shitty wedding couples flame out in 10, and it’s even better. When that process starts, I should get to produce the reality show. That’s what I deserve for patronizing a punch bar and attempting the electric slide while your cousin’s violin trio hammers out a cover at the reception of your shitty wedding.
Additionally, why are there no divorce parties? THOSE would be fun. Now, I’ve been out to celebrate a divorce before, and that’s a blast... but I think it’s high time we class this up. Send invitations. Get a band. Louis CK says that nobody should feel badly for someone who’s recently divorced because you’re feeling sorry for someone being really happy. That, to me, calls for celebration. Who says there are no second chances? Now you and your failed partner can celebrate the good times you had, and the eventual better times to come in an environment where you can leave with someone else. Party on, Wayne.
Tell me about the worst party you’ve ever been to in the comments. Or, take this the wrong way and let me know what a horrible person I am for wanting to celebrate a divorce. Or, tell me about the best wedding you’ve ever been to, because those stories are my favorites.
Can football start soon? Please?