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Fore Play - Masters

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The Masters - Round One Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

For the next four days we will celebrate all things golf. Which includes the horrible golf fashion that has overtaken the PGA Tour. These guys are wearing skin tight white pants, tight shirts with tiny sleeves, white belts with shiny buckles, and high tops. We are about four years away from Rory McIlroy showing up to Augusta National in leggings and a tank top.

You can catch the coverage on ESPN today and tomorrow, then it flips over to CBS for the weekend.

We don’t have any Aggies in the field this weekend, so just pull for whomever you bet on prior to the tourney starting. I have roughly 23 bets on who makes the Top 10, Top 5, head to head matchups, and potential winners. No other sport is intertwined with gambling more than golf. Seriously, when’s the last time an amateur played a round of golf without having some sort of little wager during the round? It just doesn’t happen. Even the pro’s play for money during the practice rounds.

Our friends over at Barking Carnival created the Golf Prick, we here at GBH have just carried the torch. So please, as you follow the leaderboard today at work, share in the comments some Golf Prick Goodness with us.

Golf Prick blurbs from yesteryear:

This is the Golf Prick describing their buddy:

Ted? Tedddddd in Global Accounts? GREAAAAAT GUY! BIG STICK! Owns a waverunner; his second wife Patti has a tremendous fake rack. Has a place out in Olde Thornewilde Heights. The low 600s. Backyard DOES NOT back to the preserve. He has a stepson from Patti's first marriage, so fuck that. SHARP dresser. Padraig Harrington collection. Played with him at the retreat in Scottsdale - laid up down the back 9 when he got a stroke up on me after a bullshit break on the apron. Questionable downswing. Still, BIG STICK. Buttfucked a lady-boy accidentally in Mexico on a fraternity trip once. But GREAAAAT guy. Looooove Patti. Really like Patti. Stepkid is an arsonist or a Goth or some shit. So, like I said: fuck that. But Patti is a sweet girl and a really class lady. Takes Zoloft. Cries a lot. Would love to suck on those fake tits of hers. Natural blonde. But Ted...like I said - GREAAAAAT guyyyyy."

The Golf Prick will inevitably be shirking work responsibilities today. His gout-induced ever-widening ass will be hunched around the conference room TV saying things like:

"Golf shot!"

"Unreal."

"Nobody else makes that shot. NO-body. Uh uh. GREAT hip turn."

"With all the pressure he’s under, six months away from the game …"

"He’s still The Man."

"I wish I could get away with what he did …"

"Did you see that Nike ad?"

"Awesome. I teared up actually. Did his Dad really call from heaven?"

"Dude. It’s Phil Knight. He's a walking deity. He can do anything."

"Running deity."

"Whatever. What hole is Tiger on?"

And of course, the Golf Prick has the interests you would expect in life. No, no - not English literature or being a good father.

Living in a community with a faux Olde English name

Have you ever played __________?

Friend's wives

Who is, and who is not, a GREAAAAT guy

This is Mickelson's Year

Name dropping

Dallas. Much better than Houston!

Who has fucked up stepkids (or possibility of acquiring fucked up stepkids)

Who does, and does not possess "a big stick"

Their incredible play of an unfathomable obstacle

Man, would you look at that ass! (punctuated by whistle followed by swing of non-existent driver)

Where you bought your shoes

Does it back to preserve?

Am I turning my wrist over? No, seriously. Watch me again.

Divorce

Age of consent laws

Waverunners

Do you know who that guy’s dad is?

Enjoy the Masters, friends.