Daily Bull 4.18.17: Kyle Field WiFi Empire Grows Stronger with T-Mobile Contract

GREETINGS CONSUMERS.

Congratulations to the 71.5 million Americans out there who partake of T-Mobile or Metro PCS. You are now part of the most elite club in sport spectatorship: you’re contracted with Kyle Field Wireless.

QUICK, POP QUIZ: JOHN SHARP OR CHET NORSWORTH?

“I am glad to add T-Mobile to our team of providing speedy and reliable service at Kyle Field,” Chancellor Sharp said. “Now, even more of our faithful fans in the stadium will be able to tap into a powerful network and easily send out great news about Aggie football.”

OK, that one was easy because the name was in it. How about now?

“He wanted iconic Kyle Field to have the most-connected fans anywhere in the country, and having T-Mobile come aboard in such a significant way clearly affirms that the Corning ONE Wireless platform is indeed delivering just that,” Vice Chancellor Ray said.

You had to think about that one, right?

For all the changes around the world over the last few years, this is still Texas. Bigger, more expensive, and vastly superior quantities of things are still better. Automatically. Without question. That’s why Kyle Field now resembles an amusement park for hedge fund boomers, complete with a data plan for instant portfolio refreshes and disheveled Facebook rants.

You want a true iconic, hard-nosed historic football experience? Come to this shrine of excess where the mezzanines are modeled after airport terminals and if the credit card machines go down in concessions the lines resemble the bank panic of 1930. Oh, and if you have time there’s also football being played down there on that tiny square of grass. Turn your attention to it only when the team is doing poorly, that way you can utilize that speedy broadband connection to launch your special, unique, molten hot takes into the college football stratosphere. Everyone is waiting for your particular opinion and solution. Be careful: 8-5 might not be setting the world on fire, but it’s keeping all those pricey lights on...barely. Try enduring a couple of 5-7 or 6-6 seasons and see how easy it is to fudge the attendance numbers when the Alabama game transitions from a prime TV slot to the 11 a.m. SEC Network opener.

Whatever else, the T-Mobile contract will pump a few extra mil into the thirsty cash tank that is Kyle Field. Plus, it will make it that much easier for us to tweet complaints about people being on their phones during the games. Gig ‘Em, and welcome to the WiFi machine.