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89 Texas Longhorn Football Players Suspended From Spring Game For Testing Positive for Peeps in Urine Screening

none of this is true except for Tom Herman's commitment to clean urine

Just Born Celebrates 50th Anniversary of Marshmallow Peeps Candy
Peeps remain in your urine for approximately 73 years
Photo by William Thomas Cain/Getty Images

AUSTIN, TX-- The Texas Longhorns suffered a major setback on Thursday with the announcement that a vast majority of their team has been suspended from participating in Saturday's Spring Game due to a violation of Coach Tom Herman's Performance Initiative Saturation Syndicate.

"We take P.I.S.S. very seriously around here," the first-year head man said, descending down a waterslide filled with Gatorade wearing an iridescent rubber tuxedo that glimmered white and pale-yellow in the harsh florescent lighting of the press conference area outside Frank Denius Fields. "Naturally, we want to get a good snapshot of where our team is at to wrap up spring drills, but we must emphasize the serious nature of these hydration deficiencies."

"Overconsumption of sugary Easter treats can lead to elevated triglycerides, metabolic dysfunction, hypertension, and of course, decreased football effectiveness," said Texas Football nutritionist Nate Galvez.

Nate was immediately dismissed from the program for hydration violations by Tom Herman 30 seconds later after a tiny droplet of sweat formed on his forehead.

"Peeps are only the tip of the iceberg here," said Tom Herman. "We've also discovered quantities of Cadbury Eggs, marshmallow eggs, and bunny corn in this last batch of testing."

Herman was also quick to stress that this was not a crusade against Easter. "No one is saying you can't enjoy the holiday. Just...instead of reaching for that piece of chocolate, make a quick glass of homemade carrot juice instead. In a pinch, grab a handful of Easter basket grass to nibble on: it's virtually calorie-free and more importantly nearly impossible to digest, which aids in metabolism rates."

Herman seemed unfazed by the almost complete depletion of available players, and vowed not to cancel the game so that all members of his team would learn a lesson from the experience. Highly touted super-freshman Sam Ehrlinger, who has never taken an unscripted bite of food in his life, was spotted taking reps not only at quarterback, but at wide receiver, punter, nose tackle, and defensive coordinator.

"Tony Orlando has been notified in writing numerous times about jelly bean consumption, and we hope this is the end of it," said Tom Herman.

Some of the suspended players are taking the news quite hard. "It just doesn't seem fair," said senior defensive lineman Poona Ford, who tested positive for trace amounts of coconut nests. "I've been a three-year starter and traveled all over the country, but now I'm being deprived of playing in one last televised practice in front of hundreds of people. But I have definitely learned the value of proper blood sugar monitoring and hydration," he hastily added, dropping to the ground to do push-ups as Tom Herman slowly hovered into view on his custom matte-yellow Segway.

With practices all but wrapped up for the week, Herman dismissed the fourteen members of his playing squad early, while retaining the violators for a special team-building exercise.

"Men, you know why you're here," he said, as a heavy-duty refrigerated truck backed up to the football complex, lowering a towering block of Icelandic fjord ice into a specially-lined and sanitized tub fixed with special melting tubes connected to water taps for the players to drink from. "Today no one leaves until we finish this: Perseverance, Iceberg, Synergy, Solidarity."

"Hook 'em," he added, when no one reacted.

The Longhorns' spring game will air Saturday on the LHN and is sponsored by Peeps. Enjoy Peeps, the delicious marshmallow candy shaped like baby chickens. Thanks, potential sponsor Peeps.