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Texas A&M Basketball to play in CGI Tournament

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by the way this is fake as hell, y’all

2nd Annual Cartoon Network Hall Of Game Awards - Show Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

After what was an extremely disappointing year following a regular-season SEC Championship in 2015-2016, the Texas A&M Basketball team stumbled to an opening-round blowout loss to Vanderbilt in the SEC Tournament last week. With the magic and aura of the team that pulled off one of the biggest upsets in sports history to advance to the Sweet Sixteen all but gone, it looked as though the Aggies’ hope for playing in any kind of postseason action this year was slim at best.

So they have accepted a bid to play in the CGI Tournament.

“It’s just what it sounds like,” says CGI President Herb Barklewater, a development entrepreneur with a background in online distribution and chain restaurant apps. “We make the teams feel important, while showcasing all the best aspects of their programs and facilities. We make March Magic Happen (trademark).”

“We’re very excited to play in the CGI Classic,” added new Texas A&M coach Shooter Flatch, a holographic-spun image of a gritty 1950s Midwestern hardwood strategist. “Sectionals of '33...one point down...Five four three two one...let 'er fly! In and out...yeah well I was fouled,” he added, referring to the classic game that launched his career so many decades ago, making him an iconic movie figure and one of the most sought-after CGI coaches in basketball. “That’s basically what happened this year to keep us out of the big dance, you see?” he added, as he flickered slightly and a nearby technician quickly made a coding adjustment to his contrast.

But organizers and coaches aren’t the only ones excited to be in the CGI Tourament. School officials are ecstatic that they will have a chance to showcase the state-of-the-art beauty of the architecturally classic masterpiece that is Reed Arena. A structure so breathtaking and aesthetically-pleasing once computer-generated interface has occurred that it hearkens back to The Parthenon, The Coliseum in Rome, or even The Carrier Dome. “At last, the world will be able to gaze upon the majesty of Reed Arena, the true Eighth Wonder of the Brazos Valley,” said Texas A&M Image Consultant Linda Norsworth. “We feel that Reed Arena’s aesthetic space has long been undervalued and this is the perfect opportunity to rectify that. At the end of the day, it’s all about imagery,” she concluded, “and any positive imagery we can garner is a net win,” her face contorting into a pathetic rictus of smug satisfaction over her terrible pun.

The team is certainly ready to play. Freshman sensation 9’10” F/C/G Robert Williams is averaging 55 rebounds per game and well over 16 blocks, making him an easy choice for pre-tourney Defensive MVP. Meanwhile, sophomores Tyler Davis (9’2”, 78.7 ppg) and D.J. Hogg (8’11”, 89% 3PT shooting) look to fuel a rabid Aggie offense that has absolutely blitzed opponents for an average of 187 points per contest this year.

The Aggies face off against Michael Jordan, Bugs Bunny, and the Tune Squad in the first round what is shaping up to be an instant CGI classic. All games will air on Bravo.