Oxford — A day after Ole Miss administrators announced a self-imposed bowl ban amid scandalous allegations and potential NCAA sanctions, the university has elected to formally terminate their high profile Bag Men.
“The primary responsibility of a Bag Man is not to get caught,” said a dejected Coach Freeze. “Obviously, based on some poor investments and some chatty Cathys, our Bag Men have gotten us into some hot water.”
Freeze continued, “It’s like they always say, ‘loose lips sink scholarships’.”
A cloud of embarrassment hung over the campus as obnoxiously dressed preppy kids came to grips that a Bag Man paid a recruit $13,000 only to have the young man sign elsewhere.
“The Bag Man should have paid him more,” said sophomore Shackleford Bramwick from Houston. “I haven’t seen an investment this embarrassing since my father’s snafu with Enron.”
Despite a bleak set of circumstances, Ole Miss chancellor Jeffrey Vitter remained optimistic. “We have a deep alumni base that is crafty with credit and holds deep-seated insecurities about having Mississippi roots and not winning a conference championship in over 50 years. This breeds a passion to do whatever it takes.”
While the program will sit out next year’s official bowl season, they insist that the Egg Bowl will be a worthy replacement. This, despite a 55-20 embarrassment in the 2016 Egg Bowl at home.
By all appearances, the program is already looking toward the future. “We must press on,” Freeze said. “We’re humbled and grateful for the service of the Bag Men that lucratively shepherded this program into the middle of the SEC West standings. I’m saddened that we need to formally part ways, but I trust that God will open the right slush funds to bring us back together for that next Sugar Bowl trip.”
Freeze closed with matters of business announcing that the program will now be accepting applicants for its Bag Men positions.
Job Title: University of Mississippi Bag Man (or Woman)
Job Summary: The Bag Man is responsible for planning and organizing the solicitation, laundering, and dispensing of U.S. currency to talented, otherwise unpaid teenagers in support of Ole Miss football beating Alabama and keeping Egg Bowls close.
Nature of Work: This position reports to vague, anonymous figureheads within the football program. All duties of this position must be conducted with the utmost discretion despite the natural inclination of Ole Miss alums to flaunt garish “wealth” and privilege.
Examples of Duties:
- Passing out envelopes at high schools
- Fostering relationships with “handlers”
- Monitoring the level of “swag” in investments
- Financing where “swag” is deficient
- Knowing how to conduct professional meetings at Twin Peaks
- Instilling a culture of “snitches get stitches”
The ideal candidate will:
- Be in the “insurance business” in Dallas or Houston (key Bag Men investment markets)
- Have been permanently wait-listed at the University of Texas
- Be familiar with WAM - ‘walking around money’
- Have strong command over the best quotes in Goodfellas
- Know how to make “snafus” disappear
- Be confident speaking about Faulkner despite never reading his work
- Have fostered strategic relationships with FedEx up the road in Memphis
Commission-based pay. Equal opportunity employer.