Good morning, all. We continue to strive to bring you a consistently good product, even around the Holidays. So until the TAILGATE does get posted later this morning, feel free to enjoy this nonsense.
Walk-on's Bistreaux & Bar Independence Bowl
Southern Miss vs. Florida State
The Dirty Shreve - 12:30 PM - ESPN
Mornin' gang. Gun to my head, I'd be in serious trouble if you asked me what day of the week it is. Such is the beauty of being sandwiched between Christmas and the New Year. I can watch my body and self-worth turn to grease pan sludge in olde sweatpants whilst watching obscure bowl games with irresponsible wagers on each.
Allow me to set the stage for this Indy Bowl. Florida State began the year in the Top 5 with Jimbo Fisher and a shit ton of National Championship buzz. The wheels promptly came off and the Noles had to scramble to become bowl eligible much to the disappointment of pretty much everyone who was just ready to put a bullet in this season before getting back to doing what Noles do best - chasing Bacardi with Monster Energy Drinks.
And what about Southern Miss? A drive from Hattiesburg to Shreveport is typically reserved for deranged, degenerate gamblers who think their luck at the riverboat casinos will improve (spoiler: it doesn't) if they just go one state over - pay no mind to the ankle monitor that strictly forbids this kind of travel.
I'm burying the lede here though. Did you see the sponsor at the top? Walk-on's Bistreaux & Bar? The fuck is this? This is a college football bowl game - NOT a sponsorship for a coed softball team with obese guys named Dale and Skeeter. A cursory Google search reveals that Walk-on's is a generic sports bar straight out of central casting for a banal sitcom. Let me guess - COLD DRAFT BEER, THE BIG GAME, AND WINGS WITH THE FELLAS? IGNORING BASIC RESPONSIBILITIES, FAMILY, AND CHILD SUPPORT? CLASSIC GUY STUFF. This chain of bar/grilles was started by a scrappy honkie walk-on (get it?) for LSU basketball and DREW BREES.
Suffice it to say, spending any money to sponsor this bowl is a gross mismanagement of funds. But this is Drew Brees we're talking about - famous pyramid scheme spokesman for Advocare.
What a mess. I went to the Independence Bowl in 2009 when the Ags got drummed by Georgia. I got crushed at the casino in the morning, drank a million beers, walked around the sketchy Louisiana fairgrounds where this game is played, saw the Ags get humiliated again, watched a couple get to third base behind a Pontiac Aztec, and drove home hungover to Dallas. Merry Christmas indeed.
Oh, and the weirdoland red pill libertarians at Reddit unearthed that Florida State isn't ACTUALLY eligible for this game. So there's that. Take Southern Miss and all those points. We're all going to die anyway.
Boston College vs. Iowa
4:15 p.m. | ESPN
Whoo boy. You've just watched a maimed and helpless giant get picked at by determined and fierce birds of prey (talkin' bout the Indy Bowl, unless you've got some other good stuff going on) and need a mild sedative to help you relax before Arizona and Purdue engage in a hellish ritual sacrifice of sound defensive fundamentals. This is your very slow jam.
- This game is probably shorter than a James Cameron film.
- At the bowl week dance contest, Ferentz and Addazio mutually decided the music was too fast-paced and agreed on a nice traditional Quadrille instead.
- This is the first bowl game to be played entirely by linebacker recruits who have gradually been molded into different position players.
- This game will feature more punting than high tourist season at Cambridge.
- This matchup was ESPN's Secret Santa gift to Gary Danielson.
- Vegas put out an O/U on this game for 2 hours, 35 minutes.
- Ham and Kraft Single cheese with Miracle Whip on crustless white bread-ass game.
- This game is called "Pinstripe" and played at Yankee stadium. It's only appropriate that it features a dying brand of football rife with cliches.
One final note: Mack Brown and Booger McFarland are the color commentators for this game. I would
almost definitely rather watch these two wander around pretentious Manhattan eateries in search of palatable BBQ.
Foster Farms Bowl (Santa Clara, CA)
Arizona vs. Purdue
Wednesday, 12/27, 7:30 pm | FOX
It's time for the Foster Farms Bowl, the bowl named after a West Coast poultry farm that touts its hormone-free chickens and turkeys. But let's be honest: much like college football players, at least half of those birds are 'roiding up anyway.
At first glance, you might think this combination of teams and bowl sponsor is a colossal mismatch. After researching Foster Farms' website, readers, I'm here to tell you that sentiment is only mostly accurate. Among Foster Farms' vast selection of frozen and fresh poultry offerings are products that are emblematic of the Arizona and Purdue programs.
If I were to ask you which Foster Farms product best represents Arizona, you would say, "Well, Reggaeton Horn, it's obviously the Cheese & Jalapeño Corn Dogs" And I would slap you across the face with a rolled up newspaper because you are a simpleton who subscribes to regional stereotypes. Arizona isn't even one of the top three jalapeño-producing U.S. states! No, the Foster Farms product that best represents Arizona is the Chili Cheese Corn Dogs. That's because Arizona QB Khalil Tate, like the Chili Cheese Corn Dog, will cause you to shit yourself in two different ways: through the air and on the ground. (You could also argue that Khalil Tate is a little like Foster Farms' Chicken Franks, in that they sort of look like the real thing (Pat White), but aren't nearly as good.) In essentially eight games of work, Tate amassed just under 1,300 yards passing and just over 1,300 yards rushing. Arizona is going to score on you--and easily--like a Chili Cheese Corn Dog rocketing through your intestinal tract.
Now, when you think of the Big Ten, you might think of "three yards and a cloud of dust" or "soul-crushing cold and gray weather" or "unusually dickish head coaches." But the first thing I think about is "artery-clogging food" and "11 am gametimes." That's why there's no better match for Purdue than the product Foster Farms describes as the "perfect way to start your day," the original pancake-wrapped sausage. They're great for breakfast, especially when you need to lay down a base for massive alcohol consumption for the next 3-12 hours. But they're also a great match for Purdue because, like Purdue's dual quarterbacks Elijah Sindelar (1703 yds/14 TD/6 INT) and David Blough (1103 yds/9 TD/4 INT), they're two good things wrapped together and impaled on a stick. Newly revitalized Purdue, under the leadership of coach Jeff Brohm, managed to 1) hang with ranked teams like Louisville, Wisconsin, and Northwestern, 2) thrash Mizzou 35-3, and 3) lose to Rutgers and Nebraska in consecutive weeks. Those are the kind of wildly mixed results you might expect from a team turning the corner from "doormat" to "competency."
One final Foster Farms connection to these teams: Foster Farms has twice provided the turkeys for the Thanksgiving Presidential pardon. Stretching that metaphor to its absolute limits, one might say that another turkey that's been handed two reprieves is Rich Rodriguez, who was first given another chance at head coaching by Arizona, then subsequently lifted off the hot seat this season by Khalil Tate's otherworldly performance.
So pull up a chair, gorge yourself on processed foods, and indulge in what should be a 100% organic, defense-free bowl game.
by Shooter Flatch
Mizzou vs Texas
Sizzurp City, 8:00 pm - ESPN
Fuck Texas. Yeah you need to know how I feel on this one from the get go. I don’t like the Longhorns. I root for them to lose just about every chance I get. I have no problem saying that because they are our rivals. Our hated rivals. And to ignore it or pretend that hatred isn’t real is bullshit and I don’t have time for bullshit at this point of my life. Which is why I’ll never debate about playing them again. To suggest we shouldn’t is bullshit.
Fuck Mizzou. I don’t have any hatred for them, but they cost me money. You see, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I love to gamble. So before the season started I threw a nice wager on Mizzou’s season win total to be under 6.5 games. That means I needed them to go 6-6 or worse. Mizzou started the season 1-5. With 4 SEC games left on the sked, I needed one loss. OOOF. And don’t judge me for betting Mizzou season win totals. That’s not even in the bottom half of degenerate gambling I’ve done this year, much less my life.
The horns don’t have a lot of players playing defense. They have guys leaving early for the NFL and don’t want to risk and injury that could screw up their 6th round draft status. They also have players leaving because they are tired of Tom Herman checking their piss color at 1:20 am on random Wednesday nights. Their offense is a lot like watching old people fuck. It’s slow and not fun and there’s a lot of heavy breathing after 90 seconds of “action”.
Mizzou is a power 5 football team and I don’t think 9 out of 10 SEC fans could pick Barry Oden out of a lineup. He’s K-Mart BERT Bielema. (Most of you won’t get that joke because you shop online like a bunch of assholes.). He’s a #FunBelt coach waiting to happen. Mizzou didn’t beat a team worth a shit the entire fucking season and still managed to win more than 6.5 games. NO YOURE STILL BITTER!!
Mizzou doesn’t have a win against a team worth a piss, which is fortunate because they’re not playing one in this bowl game. So a streaky Mizzou is only laying 3 versus a depleted 6-6 Texas team that wasn’t worth a shit to begin with??! Guess who’s gonna knock back some Johnnie Walker and bet on a well coached Larry Obom squad?