Happy Tuesday y’all. We get bowl games all week. Pour yourself a Joey Freshwater and imbibe with us.
THE CHERIBUNDI BOCA RATON BOWL
6 p.m. | ESPN
The erstwhile Marmot Boca Raton Bowl never felt quite right. After all, what need do leather-skinned, chain-smoking Floridians have for overpriced cold weather rain gear ostensibly used for Himalayan excursions but in fact targeted solely at apres ski weekend warrior yuppies from Centennial, CO? But the Boca Raton Bowl found hersself a new mans, and this one comes replete with a dubious sports science research pedigree:
Oh hell yeah son, my trainer's been tellin me to blast my ORACs ever since his yoga instructor posted about them on her Facebook. I don't know what the ORAC unit measurement is - probably deciliters or some shit - but either way I'm gettin 1.4 times whatever's in your papaya guava garbage. You're probably still on that acai tip, bro.
Cool cool, I can do two 8 oz servings. After all I'm sure this stuff is quite reasonably priced and you certainly can't put a price on your he-
50 GODDAMN CHERRIES PER SERVING. YOU WANT ME TO CONSUME 100 CHERRIES A DAY. TART ONES, MIND YOU, MARASCHINO IS JUST CROATIAN FOR "DIABETES". AT THAT RATE WE WILL BLOW THROUGH OUR STRATEGIC CHERRY RESERVES IN A WEEKEND.
Oh, there's also a football game associated with this unchecked cherry consumption. Terry Bowden and his Akron Zips will be tasked with trying to keep up with a high-powered Florida Atlantic University squad that is traveling all the way to Florida Atlantic University Stadium for this game. Aggies looking for confirmation that a coaching hire is the only thing required for instant success need look no further than FAU, which went from a dismal 2-6 in conference in 2016 to the undefeated in conference C-USA champs in their first season under Lane Kiffin. They have put up at least 30 points in 11 consecutive games, while the Zips are 92nd in the nation in scoring. So stop off on your way home from work to mainline a little G5 dazzle at your local chain wing restaurant - Florida style. Just give this post to your bartender.
Joey Fresh Water
3.75 oz Cheribundi Tart Cherry Juice (that's 23.5 cherries, one for every point in the spread of this tragicomedy)
1 oz gin
1 oz vodka
splash of tonic
garnish with a motel room key
DXL Frisco Bowl
Louisiana Tech vs. SMU (-5)
Wednesday, December 20th
7:00 PM | ESPN
Congratulations! After a full season of competing and laying it all on the line, your football program is going bowling! Enjoy your weeklong trip to
Miami San Diego New Orleans Frisco, Texas!
Friends, this is the inaugural year of the DXL Frisco Bowl. What the hell is DXL? Glad you asked. Destination XL is a designer superstore for the LARGE ADULT MAN. From the website:
Most sizes available - Waists 38-64, Big Sizes XL-7XL, Tall Sizes XLT-6XLT
64 inch waist! 7XL! DXL sells Lacoste shirts that can serve as a termite tent for your McMansion!
And how fucking fitting it all is. Frisco CLAIMS to be a suburb of Dallas, but make no mistake – this is southern Oklahoma City with somehow less culture and worse spending habits. Take every negative thought you have about a Texas suburb and give it a credit card with a completely irresponsible limit and you have Frisco, Texas. This town’s key exports are Golf Pricks, chain restaurants, kids named Tanner, and IKEA furniture that will be destroyed in a Xanax/chardonnay accident.
Frisco is a cubicle farm placed atop a dirt farm jammed with middle managers who think a night at Capital Grille is CLASSY LIVIN.
The national media will try to paint this as a local game for SMU. You and I both know that the ONLY parts of the Metroplex that Ponies go to are the Parks (Highland and University), Uptown, and Lower Greenville (coke dealer). No SMU Mustang has ever been north of I-635. So this is an adventure!
This stupid game is being played in an MLS Stadium that seats 20,000 people. It will be a miracle if 5,000 people show up. I’ve seen Jimmy Buffet TWICE at this strip mall/sporting venue. FYI - the COUGARS are NOT domesticated.
The DXL Frisco Bowl giveaway basket includes: a fake set of jugs, tanning spray, a financed Rolex, a gift card to Fogo de Chao, and a 7XL pair of True Religion jeans. Fuck American consumerism with an Apple Watch.
The Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Temple vs Florida International
Thursday Dec. 21, 7:00 pm CST : ESPN
Do you have questions about this bowl game? Because I do. A lot of them actually. Let's rapid fire this thing...
- What the shit is the Bad Boy Mower Gasparilla Bowl? First of all, apparently there are rednecks in the world that can't be happy with a John Deere or Husqvarna mower. Nope. You need that Bad Boy Mower with the former stripper spokesperson, that will go 45 mph, cut a 72 inch swath of grass, and turn on a dime while blaring "Panama". An attachable cooler full of Natty Light is an upgrade available at the dealership. Gasparilla is the name of a rumored pirate that used to patrol the seas in the Tampa Bay area back in the 1800's. It's also coincidentally the name of the parking attendant at this bowl game that used to patrol the strip clubs in the Tampa Bay area back in the 1990's.
- Where is Florida International University actually located? Miami. But if anyone asks, just name any random Florida city and you'll be fine. Orlando, Daytona Beach, Fort Meyers, Panama City Beach, Fort Lauderdale. Just think of all the skivviest 80's spring break towns in Florida and that's FIU's recruiting hotbed I'm sure.
- Who is the coach at Temple now? Geoff Collins is in his first season after Matt Rhule left to end his career in Waco. Amazingly Temple has allowed some coaches to come through and make a name for themselves in the last ten years. Steve Addazio, Al Golden, Matt Rhule. Temple is a great place for coaches to achieve just enough success to eventually land a better job where they can cash some nice paychecks, coach marginal teams for 4-5 years, and then end up coaching tight ends in the NFL. What a sport.
- Where the hell is this game played? In St. Petersburg. Russia? We all wish. A shirtless Putin doing the coin toss would be some peak college football. Unfortunately for everyone, especially the teams involved, it's played at The Trop in St. Petersburg, Florida. Which is like the ying to Tampa's wang. Or some such. Who knows. I'm sure it's just delightful in December. Everyone loves mosquitoes and swamp ass for the holidays. I'm sure the team dinners will be at Ruth's Chris, or Medieval Times, or the Chili's-Too in the airport, who the hell knows. Congrats guys we're going to play a football game in a crappy MLB baseball stadium in a dome on the turd side of Florida.
- Why does a bowl game like this exist? Because people like me enjoy gambling on it.
- Why should I watch this? Because your options for Thursday night are the following. (A) Hit the shopping malls and Super Target to try and find one more crappy gift for a loved one, which means fighting the public four days before Christmas when everyone is stressed out, tired of the holidays, and ready to stab someone with a pocketknife over a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse stuffed toy. (2) Drinking too much at your work Christmas party and pulling a Matt Lauer so you get to start 2018 looking for a new job. (Third) Relaxing on the couch with a beverage in hand, snacks on the table, and enjoying some free college football.
The [file not found] BAHAMAS BOWL
11:30 a.m. | ESPN
The Raid of Nassau occurred back in 1720 when the Brits repulsed a far greater force fighting under the banners of Spain. And though he was but a young midshipman on Her Majesty's Frigate Fullbacke, Frank Solich learned the value of sound, fundamental defense at a tender age and it has carried him lo these many years hence.
Now he's returning to the white-sand emerald beaches of his youth, this time with an armada of stir-crazy Midwesterners in tow. Meanwhile, UAB didn't even play football last year or the year before after their program was torpedoed in 2014. We're in uncharted waters here and I'm about to scuttle the naval puns.
Do you like teams that #RunTheDangBall? Because these teams #RunTheDangBall. (Let's get this trending.) Both of these squads had fewer than 300 pass attempts and more than 500 rushing attempts on the year. Ohio spreads it out and has a trio of backs with 600+ rushing yards and seven or more TDs on the ground. UAB has a feature guy, Spencer Brown, who's nudging 1300 yards and gets roughly half of their total carries.
This game could go through its own paces faster than Pitt playing Boston College in a foggy drizzle. We're talking a virtual running play clock here. Ample punting. Desmond Howard being overly-impressed by a 12-yard hitch route. Thirty-minute quarters. At 11 a.m. on the Friday before Christmas, you can't ask for anything more than a game featuring all the urgency of a B1G morning matchup, only it takes place in a beautiful setting featuring daytime sunlight and all the associated amenities: live vegetation, visible game sightlines, and an absence of permacloud vertigo.
You'll have to supply your own Popeyes, though, because their new corporate overlords have declined to sponsor the game this year.
TATER BOWL PREVIEW
by Chuck & Rush (via forfeit by Lucas Jackson)
POTATOES vs. POTATOES
Potatoes win a close one because the potatoes can’t quite keep up with the potatoes.
Potatoes to watch for:
- fries (steak)
- fries (waffle)
- chips (kettle-cooked)
Why would potatoes need a jacket. Why do the British people call it a “jacket”? and Americans call it a “skin”? And why do they refer to a baked potato as their name for the skin of the potato. That’s like calling a steak “hide flesh” or something bizarre. Get your shit together, British lexicon.
Leave the points. Take the Pringles.
But seriously, folks. Gotta like Wyoming here. Last time the Chippewas went up against some Cowboys we all know how that turned out.