HOWDY! Football sucks, right? The games are not even worth watching. This 2017 season is a wash until the real fun kicks off: the coaching search.
You want A&M to be better. You want to compete, and win, and be classy while doing it, all while still maintaining that Aggie mystique and attitude. Should be easy for $5 mil per annum, right? APPARENTLY NOT.
So you wallow through a few more weeks of disappointing football. And you tweet. A lot.
What’s this??!? A mysterious DM in your inbox??
HELLO, AGGIE FAN. THIS IS A SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE AD. YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED AT RANDOM BASED ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT LEVELS OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS TO AID IN THE COACHING SEARCH. WE WILL COMMUNICATE WITH YOU VIA CODED MESSAGES. WE WILL NOT BE USING NAMES FOR SECRETIVITY [sic] PURPOSES. READ THE QUESTIONS AND CLICK THE APPROPRIATE ANSWERS. GOD SPEED AND GOD BLESS.
Finally! All that angry and vindictive tweeting has paid off. Will you step up and aid the athletic department in the quest?
OF COURSE YOU WILL
BRAVO! You are going to be a hero. Choose carefully! Click the maroon buttons to view your selections.
You want to win some SEC titles. But how do you get there?
On second thought, that’s probably not gonna work out, for obvious reasons. Let’s step back and re-think this.
Look, the offense is broken. How do we make a hire that fixes that right away? What we’re doing is obviously not working because there is no identity. The program needs to embrace a bold form of football, in any form.
Hey, lots of schools are hiring out of the Mid-American Conference. Let’s look into that.
Hmm, okay perhaps the offense/energy stuff will work itself out. Let’s think closer to home. Embrace being the only SEC school in Texas. Let’s hire a hungry coach from an in-state mid-major.
OK, so maybe hiring from within the collegiate ranks is too risky this year. You want to be a serious SEC contender, you need serious PRO BALL chops.
No, no no, that was all wrong. Hang on a minute, who is ranked #1 this year? Georgia. And where’d their coach come from? Who taught him everything he knows? Exactly.
Hey, this might not work, but we’ll never know unless we try.
Maybe not. Let’s think outside the box a little here. Maybe, for whatever reason, the right guy isn’t in coaching at this exact moment.
Hmm, okay. Maybe we just find someone who has proven himself an equal to one of the best coaches in the game.
FORGET THE PROTOCOL
That was all so horrible! You are now exhausted and disheartened. Having utterly failed at finding a suitable replacement for Kevin Sumlin, you resolve to do the next-best thing: ruin some other SEC programs.
You have now been suspended from Twitter, and angry online Tennessee fans have discovered your identity and gotten you in trouble at your job. But it was all worth it, because you got to play with the big boys on the carousel. Enjoy your Holiday Season!