Why The Coach You Want to Hire Sucks

A&M is currently in need of a new head coach after firing Kevin Sumlin on Sunday afternoon. The toughest part of getting a new head coach is that it takes you a little while to find reasons to complain about him on the internet and social media venue of choice. (Personally, I love to roast my coach on SnapChat. "How about you beat LSU once!" I say with a kitten's face and elephant ears.) Luckily I'm here to help you. I'm here to tell you why every coach we could hire sucks. Whenever the announcement is made, simply refer back to this post, and then let the hot taeks fly. Remember, Journo 101 states that it doesn't matter if its accurate, it just matters that you're first.

Jimbo Fisher

This is the name you will hear the most. Jimbo has gone from finishing 1st in the ACC, to second, to third, and now to 6th this year. That's the trajectory you love to see when you're going to shell out $7 million per year. And if you want hair plugs and a bad record, why not try to steal Tom Herman from Austin. Remember all the horrible embarrassing things with Crab Man Winston? Jimbo was front and center for all of that.

Mike Gundy

In 13 seasons Mike Gundy has one Big 12 championship. Well I'm sure he's done well against their hated rival, yes? Gundy is 2-11 vs OU in Bedlam. You could dress up a mop in orange and black and find a way to beat OU twice in the last 13 years.

Justin Fuente

He was two games above .500 in four years at Memphis and has lost 7 games in his first two seasons at Virginia Tech. How's he done against the tougher teams? Well he's 3-8 vs ranked teams as a head coach, and only one of those wins came against a team that finished the season ranked in the top 25.

Mike Norvell

He's a Todd Graham protégé, and I would guess that sounded better a few days ago before Graham got canned from Arizona State this weekend. Norvell has been a head coach for a whopping two years at Memphis. If A&M could move from the SEC to the American Athletic Conference this would be an outstanding hire.

Chad Morris

Grew up in Texas, made his way through the high school coaching ranks and now has three years under his belt as the head coach at SMU. Oh, and by the way, Chad is an Aggie grad. Which explains why he's 8 games below .500 as a head coach. You want mediocre football, hire someone that's been a fan of it for the last two decades.

Mike Leach

Mike has 1 double digit win total in 16 years of head coaching. That's DEMANDING EXCELLENCE!! Well not so much demanding it, and but maybe just hoping it happens spontaneously out of thin air. The worst part? Our lackey journo beat writers would somehow find a way to make his press conferences boring at A&M.

So that's a good start. If I've missed anyone, please feel free to tell my why they suck in the comments. I want to be prepared for my SnapChat the minute this hire is announced.