KISS MY ASS, LANDSHARK
Life is tough enough as it is, but when you exist as an anthropomorphic black bear there’s additional baggage. Do you know what I go through on a daily basis? No, you have no idea. First of all, I try to do all the things you normies do in life, but I’m hindered as it is. The glances I get from you people who identify as people when I walk down the street are disheartening at best, and full-on oppressive at their worst. You ever have a barista misspell “Rebel”? I’ve had “Reba” “Rebecca” “Rhonda” and fucking “Steve” for some goddammed reason. People are awful, but they’re even more awful when you exist as an anthropomorphic black bear.
I have to wear a damn suit. But before the suit, I have to put my exoskin on. Oh, I’m sorry. You don’t understand. Let me explain that in terms you squares can comprehend - it’s a flippin bear suit. Then I have to wear a suit over the bear suit, so now I’m a guy in a bear suit suit. Ever have to get a suit tailored to fit your exoskin? Let me tell you, they’re way more handsy with your inseam when you’re an anthropomorphic black bear at the tailor.
I could go on forever, but I won’t, because none of this is going to matter next year. Yeah, I know I got voted out for some Star Wars character first. The guy who yells “It’s a trap!” Real clever, student body. WAOM and we know it, right? Well, after Akbar was vetoed because "Ole Miss is scared of Disney", I got replaced by the Landshark. I know change is popular, I know it’s probably necessary, but come on. First of all, Ole Miss trying to claim the Landshark when we all know that Chevy Chase was the original landshark and this poseur in a rubber suit ain’t gonna change that one bit. WHY AREN'T YOU SCARED OF LORNE MICHAELS, HUH? Also, the guy who’s firing me is named Bjork, and someone related to him used to walk around in a swan dress at award shows. That doesn't really matter, I just had to mention it.
And what’s this elasmobranch gonna breathe? It for sure ain’t the damn air because there’s NO SUCH THING AS A WALKING SHARK, OK? I’m sorry, I got heated. It’s just that… you know… I’m a bear. I breathe oxygen. I shit in the woods. Bears walk upright in cartoons all the time, so humans are used to seeing us more than some gill-having death monster of the sea walking around like it’s normal. And don’t any of you pull that “Well, Jabberjaw was a popular Hanna Barbara cartoon” bullshit on me. Nobody watched Jabberjaw.
You know what? I’m happy to admit that I’m a tad bitter about this situation because I know many of you would be too if something came out of the ocean and straight took your job by putting “land” in front of it. Oh, you wouldn’t mind a “landbetafish structural engineer”? Yeah, I thought so. But guess what, assholes? I’m retiring. I’m moving into the community with Pooh, Yogi, and those toilet paper hocking bastards and I’m going to take up woodworking. I might even ask the Charmin family to teach me how to use a toilet.
In closing, kiss my ass, Landshark. I hope every team in the SEC gets a bigger boat and comes for your reckoning.
Aggies - 35
Rebs (nee: Landsharks) - 28
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Haven't heard his name called much in the last few weeks. Oxford is as good a place as any for a sack party.
HOO BOY MATTY, I'M ON THE STARKELWAGON NOW. Seriously, 400 yards in a half, yes please, do it some more.
Know which other #4 used to troll Ole Miss fans? Here's to continuing a VERY strong finish to a solid senior year.
Folks we haven't seen a QB from Hawaii this prolific since that episode when Magnum posed as a backup to infiltrate the seedy world of 1980s non-NFL pro ball.
Already cracked 1,000 yards on the year. If Ole Miss is smart, they'll put an empathy belly on him and line him up at tight end so no one covers him.
Leading the team with 7.5 sacks. Jim Turner will have the offensive line fill out a series of questionnaires before each play to determine who will block him.
Innovation. It's key to any business cycle, but in the cutthroat world of Big College Football, it's absolutely vital. No program has shown the sort of outside-the-box initiative that wins in the boardroom in the way that our next opponent has. Mascot Maximization is the wave of the future, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a glimpse of the ground floor.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Last weekend the Aggies played in a game prominently featuring former Texas A&M defensive coordinator Bob Davie. This week the Aggies play in a game prominently featuring former Texas A&M defensive coordinator Tommy Tuberville. Of course, despite going 10-0-1 with the Aggies in 1994, Tubs has a much richer history with Ole Miss, eschewing the pine box for a private jet when he bailed as head coach to take over division-mate Auburn. In the booth this weekend you can expect Tuberville to be as colorful as a photograph of a dust bowl farmer - unless of course he forgets he has a hot mic (NSFW).
FISH OUT OF WATER
A shark on the land is not nearly as terrifying as the normal kind, but it's still a bit unpredictable and probably difficult to deal with. So is a college football team that lost its head coach before the season started, lost its starting QB to knee injury, and lost its bowl eligibility in a self-imposed NCAA nuclear deterrent. Ole Miss has nothing to lose. Look for trick plays, rugby punts, drop kicks, DTs at RB, the Annexation Of Puerto Rico, and that one where you hide the ball in the back of your jersey.
NICK, AT NIGHT
It may have been soft competition from the Lobos, but Nick Starkel had himself one hell of an outing last weekend, putting up a passer rating of 230.5 in two quarters of play. Remember when we all took that whole "he's ass my dude" thing and beat it right into the ground? Remember the guy that said it? If you can't remember his name, don't ask anyone at Ohio State because they probably haven't heard of him either.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
It's the second weekend in November, and you know what that means in the SEC:
Every non-conference opponent scheduled this weekend is from a G5 conference or worse. On top of that, Georgia gets to punch Kentucky over and over until it feels like a man again, MSU is heading to Fayetteville to help Bielema pack his bags, and Tennessee takes on #20 LSU and I guess gets started working on taking another lap. Our only hope is...
MISSOURI @ VANDERBILT
Back in Week 3 Mizzou had just gotten throttled by a very mediocre Purdue team and Vanderbilt was 3-0 and wanted Bama. Today Mizzou is riding a 4 game hot streak including 2 straight SEC wins, meanwhile conference play hit Vanderbilt like oncoming traffic. There are no titles at stake, no rivalries, and no history to be found here - just desperate, meaningless football. Enjoy every second of it.
DEGREES OF KEVIN SUMLIN
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Starkel puts on another show and the Ags win big. I have three beers and go to bed at 11.
Implosion, and I wake up in a Vegas dumpster covered in strip club flyers.