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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs Auburn

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Welcome to November, sports fans. Time to get our turkeys roasted at THE TAILGATE

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THE ART OF GETTING HYPED AT 11AM

HOWDY! Hoo boy we have ourselves a doozy of a game this weekend, don’t we? Well, Ags, the Auburn War Eagle Tiger things are coming to pay a visit to Kyle Field on Saturday morning, and it seems the Aggie faithful prefer a night game. Who doesn’t love a night game? But guess what, we can bring that atmosphere of fun and frivolity to a morning skirmish, all it takes is a little thought, a proper pregame warmup, and a responsible amount of booze (not within the confines of Kyle Field (unless you’re resourceful)).

Let’s go ahead and get the unfun part out of the way, current students. You’re gonna need a good night’s sleep. That means get yourself to bed around 2AM, only marginally impaired from your previous night’s clinging to the remnants of Halloween fun. Before you go to bed, be certain to drink at least one liter of water. Yeah, I used the metric system, call me a commie in the comments but that’s the size you can buy at the C-store that’s not as intimidating as a gallon, and probably won’t make you piss your twin bed during the night. Former students, same advice, but that bedtime bumps back to 10:30, so put your CPAP on a little earlier than normal, and don’t get too involved in the Matlock marathon on the Hallmark Channel. I promise, ol Ben will get that acquittal. Set those alarms for 7 AM, we have work to do in the morning.

In the morning, after you’ve swept up the remnants of your alarm clock, be sure you have a pot of good strong coffee ready. Grab a funnel, and shotgun that shit. All 12 cups, don’t be an amateur. Now block off the next hour for sitting on the toilet and watching motivational videos on YouTube. Trust me, you’ll want the whole hour as twelve cups of coffee instantly introduced to your system is the biological equivalent of Black Friday at a Wal Mart. At 8 AM, after you’ve successfully caffeinated, it’s time to fuel your soul. This is when you make breakfast tacos. Or you buy them. I don’t really care, just do what feeds your soul, and provides a good base for the early drinking.

Drinking this early is tricky. You don’t want to go so hard that you can’t make it to kickoff, but you can’t go too light and end up with a 2nd quarter hangover. What you might consider is a couple of breakfast cocktails followed by a few booster beers until kickoff. You MIGHT be able to ride that wave for 4 quarters, but again, I don’t know your tolerance. It’s likely better that you end up hungover and pissed off by the 4th anyway, because if this thing is tight, we’re going to need angry people with headaches yelling their asses off.

Aggies - 24
Auburn - 17


CAST OF CHARACTERS

Showed flashes of brilliance and youthful mistakes against Mississippi State. Needs to learn to not overthrow/underthrow/throw directly to opposing players.

Will he sprint to the outside or cut it up the middle for the tough yards? Stay in to pass protect or flare out in the flat? Neither: we're in an empty set.

Look, he's wide open because everyone's covering that other guy and...shit. Maybe throw it to the other guy? Not him either? I know: WR screen.

Game: take a drink each time the announcers mention he went to Baylor. You'll forget that you're upset about an 11 a.m. kickoff when you're standing on your coffee table with your shirt off screaming about Ken Starr's heritage.

Leads the SEC in sacks. Time to see if practicing against our own pass rush makes our tackles better or vice-versa. Take a drink every time...you know what, nevermind.

"Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season"

--anonymous Aggie internet poster, singing after playing the previous drinking games


BUSINESS CLASS

Folks, there are setbacks in business, just like in life. Sometimes we all need to regroup, refocus, re-center, and remember what it's all about. Here's a brief presentation brought to you by some very successful men: mentors, leaders, businessmen all. Let it serve as a reminder that hard work is only as impressive as you are able to describe it.


WHAT TO WATCH FOR

STROS BROS

For better or worse, by the time A&M and Auburn kick off the World Series will be over, and win or lose there is still plenty of room on that Astros bandwagon. You'll probably see a few in the crowd - they are easily recognized by their blue, orange, and yellow plumage. Just remember that, like anybody not wearing Aggie colors in the state of Texas, these people definitely didn't graduate from Astros University.

FREE CANDY

Halloween's over, so now is the time to cash in on bargain bin candy and half-off costumes. A couple of tips:

DO eat free candy at tailgates being thrown by strangers.

DO NOT drink a free IPA at a tailgate. Have some self-respect.

DO wear sunglasses with your store-bought costume and tell people you're Stevie Wonder Woman.

DO NOT let anyone on the TexAgs politics board see that you're Wonder Woman. Or a woman at all, honestly.

DO dress as the 12th man ready to stand in for the team at a moment's notice.

DO NOT dress as the 3rd coach, ready to replace a coordinator at a moment's notice.

And above all, DO keep it sexy.

SCARY RIDES

The carousel has started, and while A&M has not decided yet whether to hop on board there is a chance that five SEC schools could be looking for a new head football coach by the end of the season. It's a seller's market out there, so be prepared to hear some truly terrifying suggestions - all the while the right answer is out there somewhere.


ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

#19 LSU @ #2 ALABAMA

The CFB playoff committee disrespected the Tide and now the Tigers will have to pay the price. Last year Alabama won this game 10-0, and that LSU offense was pure fireworks compared to this one. Still, no SEC team has been harder to nail down than LSU this season, and Coach O is due another feather in his cap to secure the next step in his inexplicably successful career.


HOTREELZ


SERIOUSLY VERY HOT DEGREES OF KEVIN SUMLIN

Fate is a fickle thing and it makes the Aggies scream
With teams not ranking higher, Kevin fell into a ring of fire

He fell in to a burning ring of fire
As his team went down in a Bulldog pyre
And it burns burns burns that he might get fired
Probably will get fired


PLACE YOUR BETS


BEST CASE / WORST CASE

BEST CASE

A win. Just that, a damn win. Last week sucked, so I'll just take a win please and thank you.

WORST CASE

I feel like taking out a payday loan to buy meth is a pretty bad case... we'll go with that. After losing at home early. There, it's football related.