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SEC Football TV Viewer’s Guide, Saturday October 7

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Tune in for conference play, stay for the intrigue if you can find it.

Kentucky v Missouri Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images

Morning, monsters. Lots of action today. BERT vs. BOOM. Kentucky vs. Mizzou in the Battle For The Saddest Team In The East. There’s even some football on, too. Here’s your spiritual guide for consuming the lovely matchups the SEC has given us today

Georgia at Vanderbilt | 11 a.m. | ESPN

Do you pretend to like games where an army of running backs combine for 100 carries for 400 yards but it’s not in an exciting way like a service academy game? Stop kidding yourself, this is football for masochists, Saban worshippers, and Gary Danielson (but I repeat myself...twice). This isn’t even fun boring football in an 11 a.m. B1G game way because there’s not a quirky trophy at stake that looks like it was found in the storage closet of a defunct hardware store. Take this game like a vitamin: with a stiff sip of something emboldening and get it out of the way early.

Ole Miss at Auburn | 11 a.m. | SEC Network

“Hey, got a new mascot yesterday. Yeah. We’re just gonna kind of do some housekeeping this year. Football is secondary at the moment. Sort of doing some existential renovations here.” The Landsharks do one thing very well: throw the ball around the park without giving a damn. Auburn does the defense thing really well as well. Auburn will probably do their thing a bit better, but you never know. Might be exciting for a bit as an early game, if your idea of exciting is “Shea Patterson running for his life and actually completing a few long passes to keep this within a couple scores for a while.” Mine is.

LSU at Florida | 2:30 | CBS

Memphis had a QB throw for seven touchdowns in a single game last night. It takes a Florida or LSU QB roughly two years to reach that same total. Only those are years like on “Interstellar” where they’re stuck in some repetitive dimension full of rotating coaches, massive debit card fraud, and defenses that constantly rescue them when the waves of futility overrun them every 33 days. And then the casual viewer stops by for this game every other year and thinks they’re watching the exact same teams they were in 2011. Are they wrong? Who are we to say?

Arkansas at South Carolina | 3 p.m. | SEC Network

Aw hell yeah. Time to find out which last-ditch, scrappy win for A&M was more quality. The combined vortex of open pass rushing lanes provided by these two offensive lines could be powerful enough to slightly alter the earth’s magnetic field. First team to 8 sacks wins, at least in my heart. Losing coach of this game has to crush the other guy’s empty beer cans on his forehead for the rest of the night.

Alabama at Texas A&M | 6:15 p.m. | ESPN

it’s fine everything’s good no worries

Missouri at Kentucky | 6:30 p.m. | SEC Network

A simple quote from my favorite book shall suffice.

“All progressions from a higher to a lower order are marked by ruins and mystery and a residue of nameless rage.”