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Kyle Field Hotel Roast

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NCAA Football: Louisiana State at Texas A&M Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Texas A&M is currently building a 250-room hotel with views of Kyle Field. The hotel should be ready to go by the 2018 football season. (your corporation here) Hotel is expected to be a profit machine. For example, they are planning to generate $40 million by selling licenses to guarantee guests availability along with the naming rights to the whole shebang, according to The Eagle. As Aggieland turns into more of a soulless corporate monolith each day, we wanted to take an opportunity to roast this hotel.

If I wanted to fall asleep in something dull and corporate I'd just attend the game.

Aggie Hotels: with wakeup calls as reliable as the game clock!

For a bunch of extra money you can have a view of a giant brick wall.

What the Soviet Union would look like in the modern age.

No pets allowed. But if Reveille barks outside your door she gets the bed.

Try the Bevo steak at the "saw em off" restaurant in the lobby. We don't care about t.u.!

Come for the mediocre football, stay because your car wasn't going anywhere in that traffic anyway.

From the outside looking in, you can’t afford it. From the inside looking out, they really should power wash the stadium.

This hotel is the best treatment a Corps member will ever receive from a three-star.

This hotel also has a politics board.

Take this claim ticket and pick up your hat after you check out.

All carpet is artificial turf so you can play "the floor is respect" with your kids.

If you conceive a child in the fantasy suite, they are auto-admitted to Texas A&M.

Good news! The LHN is available because this hotel has moved on.

Official Hotel of Texas A&M (Assholes & Millionaires)

The pool amenities include views of Kyle Field and a literal sinking ship water slide.

If you want to lie on the bed, cheat on a spouse, and steal body-sized 12th man towels, this hotel tolerates that.

If you need a late checkout, call the front desk and ask for a Fran 2007.

The honeymoon suite features a yell practice button, urging you to "Consummate the hell outta your traditional marriage."

Every room comes fully equipped with an internet connection to TexAgs and only TexAgs.

Spend millions to rip out the soul of this campus in the name of corporate gains once, shame on you. Spend millions to rip out the soul of this campus in the name of corporate gains again across the street, shame on you again please stop doing that.

They paved a parking lot and put up a more atrocious parking lot.

The king-sized beds are the exact dimensions of Ben Malena.

Pro tip: if you're looking to stay here for free just mention your son's official visit during check-in.

If you want to stay here for a free month just tell everyone you have to cancel your subscription because money is tight.

I tell ya. Cemeteries and campus hotels are the biggest wastes of prime real estate. Full of dead people.

For an extra $150 a night you can stay in an exact replica of a corps dorm room.

Remember: it is a violation to pay any player who risked his life for your entertainment tonight, but please don't forget to tip your masseuse.

Free continental breakfast with money drop.

Donald Trump thinks this hotel is in poor taste.

Each conference room is named after a different Bond villain.

If you have a missed call in your room you are required to make a joke about SEC referees on social media and use #AggieHotel in your post.

Guests are treated to same day laundry services. Simply place fists full of cash into the appropriate bag in your room to be quickly laundered over to a 5 star’s family.

Visit bag check to squeeze your nuts with other guests.

The concierge will direct you to all of the local entertainment which means they point at Kyle Field out the window.

Each room with a scoreboard view is equipped with a dead Reveille.

Please help us in our conservation efforts by not using all of your timeouts.

The seat nearest the lobby fireplace is reserved for the current head coach.