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Roasting the Aggie Offense: Mississippi State Edition

There is no amount of sugar that can make this pile of rubble palatable. So we’ll roast it instead.

NCAA Football: Mississippi State at Texas A&M
“15 yards: ineligible receiver; does not have flesh or skin”
John Glaser-USA TODAY Sports

Happy Halloween.

Couldn’t even muster 300 yards against State. Mississippians haven’t been exposed to anything this erratic and anemic since Faulkner dropped A Rose for Emily.

At least Homer Barron scored posthumously, though.

What's the difference between the Sundowner Yacht and a Noel Mazzone first half game plan?

Well, both are roughly 18 yards, but one’s on water and the other’s on the ground.

Both of them also left a bunch of angry people stranded and helpless in a foreboding environment. But at least at Dunkirk the concessions were free.

Speaking of Mazzone, look for tremendous Black Friday savings on the N-Zone System. Buy 3 and they run out. Takes about 40 seconds.

For an extra $79.99 you can get the bonus Gettin’ Cute package: find out how to actually lose 4 yards with your fastest player utilizing lateral motion and meticulously choreographed missed blocking.

You can actually get them direct online from Mazzone’s ghostwriter, Horse_ebooks.

Y’all think Mazzone gets all the proceeds from these sales, or does a significant chunk of it go to pay the very last GeoCities designer who maintains the site?

Look at this damn thing:


Can’t spell “No, the end zone is way over that way” without “Noel Mazzone.”

Think I saw an extended ad for this offense last time I was in the doctor’s waiting office. Had a shouting Aussie with a well-groomed beard and everything.

Infomercial knocking-over-a-big-bowl-of-cheese-puffs-and-squirting-ketchup-all-over-yourself-ass offense.

Folks, they said cowbells wouldn't be an advantage for MSU in College Station but the CLANG noises coming off those metallic objects attached to Ratley's wrists would indicate otherwise.

ESPN sure talked a lot about Christian Kirk's liver smoothies. At least the nutritionists know how to consistently feed him something brown and leathery.

Very #classy of the staff to put Starkel in late and let him throw a couple of 70+ yard TDs. One of them was even to the right guy!

Y’all think Tripucka is gonna get a look at QB? He’s the only one who consistently gets the ball downfield.

Handles the shotgun snaps pretty well, too.

At least you can’t drop in the rankings in November if you never make it there in the first place.

Still lookin’ for the rest of those 35+ points from the advertisement...hang on, gonna check all the couch cushions. Maybe Coach Noel started handing them out instead of candy when the early trick-or-treaters caught him off-guard.

Give Mississippi State a ton of credit. Lots of defenses might’ve been tricked into some sort of hypnosis state by this baffling, shuffling, off-rhythm display of attempted football plays. Call it “focus” or “just wait for the ball carrier to run into you,” whatever, it’s still effective.

At least next week’s game is played in the morning. Maybe if we run a deep crossing play at noon it will eventually develop into an open receiver by 7:30 p.m.