BEST SERVED COLD
You ever think about revenge? I do, probably more often than is healthy. I never get to act on it anymore because it’s “immature”, “unproductive”, and “felonious”. Whatever. Even though he’s a nice guy, I still think about slashing the tires of the now 35 year-old partner I had for an oral report in 5th grade. He bailed on me, with all the materials, on presentation day to “go to the zoo with his dad.” Something about custody or whatever. I didn’t care. My teacher made me do the presentation, while huff-crying, then yelled at me for being unprepared. The rage in my 11 year-old body was enough to fuel 10 John Wick sequels and one really special episode of “Designing Women”.
Then there was this time a few weeks back. I was going to visit my mom in the hospital, and it was raining. I had circled the parking lot about 10 times the saw that a person had gotten in their car to leave the parking lot. I put my blinker on, and was in the clear as far as I was concerned, and the person backed out… but at an angle that wouldn’t give me first dibs on the slot. All of a sudden, some person in a brand new Range Rover just swooped in and took the spot. Sitting there with my mouth agape, all I could think about was taking every single thing from this person, as if I had been a tenant of the Chateau D’if for 14 years at their behest.
But revenge isn’t something you can take for something petty. It has to be earned. One must take it at the right opportunity. It has to be worthy of your anger. One must take revenge on an opponent who is worthy, and under the right circumstances. Oh look, a night game at Kyle Field against a team who saw the Aggies number 4 ranking last year, laughed, and started the fall from the rankings. That’s a pretty worthy opportunity. What more motivation do you need?
Aggies - 31
Dogs - 24
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Let's appreciate a consistent kicker. Four feegs in the Swamp with a game-winner is a pretty good outing. Keep blasting, Daniel-San. May you split the uprights a billion times more proficiently than Aggies split hairs over prospective coaching hires online.
Football season is Wearing & Tearing, but this guy's telling his teammates, We're Gonna Groove. Let's put it in the Ozone, Baby and play hard for coach because I Can't Quit You. #75 could've played in Austin, but chose not to. Poor Tom.
Before I get in trouble for not classy disrespecting bad Aggie, etc. Here's a linebacking Texas kid who's having a great freshman season. Look for him to make some plays on the edge against a formidably nimble lumbering quarterback.
YOU-TEE-CHATT-N-OOO-GUH. Folks, I’m a Mullen convert after this cigar-chomping 1920’s gangster bit of role-playing. Nicky Fitz is a handful of a QB, and the D will be pressed to keep up their sack rate this week, see?
What do Mississippi State football and this French airline have in common? Both hit a peak around 1999 and then went defunct around 2003 for a good while. Oh and the name Aeris.
6’4” LB? Is that even legal? In Texas, they make all kids over 6’2” play WR and go to 7-on-7 camps with the other 3.3 million high school wide receivers. Think it’s a coincidence that our top playmaking LB is from deep SEC territory? But that’s a topic for another show.
College Football. The aura. The spirit. The pageantry. And, lest we ever forget, THE MONEY. Nowhere has the beautiful union between tradition and revenue been so prominent than in the hands of our next opponents: fat wads of cash in one paw; noisy, clanging bells in the other.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Mississippi State head coach Dan Mullen is seems like a great guy with a good sense of humor and a positive attitude about life. That said, I can't shake the feeling that he is fucking with us.
”With the exception of about 17 minutes of this season, they’d probably be a Top-10 team, if not a Top-5 team right now, that we’re getting ready to play,” Mullen said.
Yeah Dan? Well if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass on the ground. Get that sunshine-pumping troll nonsense outta h-
“They can make you seasick rocking back and forth between the third and fourth quarter."
OH YEAH DAN LIKE YOUR OFFENSE IS SO EFFECTIoh you were talking about the war hymn right carry on then.
In general it would be nice to not have a QB torch us for over a buck on the ground, but if our defense needed any further convincing how about this: Nick Fitzgerald is just 107 rushing yards away from moving to #5 on the SEC career QB rushing yards list - by passing Johnathan Manziel.
This. Will. Not. Do.
Look, it's probably a forgone conclusion that Fitzwilly will pass Johnny on that list, but doing so in a game against the Aggies on Johnny's own turf? Unacceptable. Let's make sure that kid leaves Aggieland needing a Tide pen for all those grass stains, boys.
The MSU Bulldogs are struggling on the road, going 1-2 so far with a marked increase in false starts and miscues. Well good news, everyone! Here is our chance to demonstrate the substantial tactical advantage of a home game at night that I've been hearing so much about.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
THE WORLD'S LARGEST OUTDOOR TRIPPING HAZARD
At the risk of hangin' up and lissenin', who exactly has #3 Georgia played? Aside from a squeaker against apparently actually decent Notre Dame, the Bulldogs' resume reads like that of a fresh college grad who includes under 'special skills' things like "Tae Kwon Do Yellow Belt" and "Beat Missouri By 25". Look Georgia, we all know you didn't take away any meaningful life skills from that mission trip to Honduras, and listing Appalachian State as an FBS victory is just resume padding.
All I'm saying is you need to be careful walking your bulldog off the leash in Florida. Not because of the gators, mind you, but mostly just because of the SUV-driving elderly.
A BRISK 400+ DEGREES OF KEVIN SUMLIN
Another great thing about the bye week is your seat can't possibly change temperature, am I right? Definitely nothing happened this week that is germane to this section of the Tailgate. No one spoke of Sumlin's seat heat whatsoever. No siree bob.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
NIGHT GAME PARTY! It's Saturday night and I'm cracking full-calorie beer whilst shoveling enough carbs and cheese into my body to make Paula Deen show concern. After every Aggie touchdown, I do a quesadilla shooter (that's a Jameson with a quesadilla back). The combination of cheese, carbs, and pure liquor helps me transcend reality so that I realize football is both the meaning of life and also nothing. Also, there's a puppy.
I mean, y'all watched the game last year. And the one from three years ago. Do you need me to lay this out? At this point, I feel like I tempt fate every time I write this section. Just... come do quesadilla shooters with me anyway. It'll be fun.