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Being an Athletic Director is Easy.

It’s all fairly straightforward; no need for all this fuss.

Texas A&M v Florida
Shhh. Tight ends are supposed to be a secret.
Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images

There’s been a lot of talk lately – MAYBE TOO MUCH TALK – about hirings, firings, regents, contracts, buyouts, tanks, etc. It’s almost enough to make one skeptical about the whole concept of collegiate amateurism, but I digress.

For those not immediately familiar, Kevin Sumlin has had a bit of an uneven stint in College Station, highlighted by one or two November swoons, and a particularly egregious evening in California earlier this year. With most thinking the end nigh, Sumlin of course has won 5 of 6 and left observers wondering where exactly 2017 is leading for the A&M football team.

While there is much debate about his future both online, and certainly in whatever well-mahoganied rooms the people paying his salary inhabit, there is one thing I know for certain: I would be a freaking amazing Athletic Director, and to prove it, let me walk you, gentle reader, through a little bit of A&M sports history and show you exactly how I, a TRUE leader, would have handled the following scenarios.

October 20, 1984: Jackie Sherrill loses his 3rd game in a row, a horrible home defeat to an incredibly mediocre Baylor program that leaves Sherrill at 13-14-1. I inform him the program is headed the wrong direction, and fire his ass that night.

March 15, 1991: Despite massive NCAA pressure, I do not accept Kermit Davis’ resignation. He is ahead of the curve in regards to cheating in men’s basketball, and I intend to give him every available chance. I also encourage him to hire an intern, perhaps Bradley Stephens of Indianapolis, who, despite being a high school freshman, seems to have a high aptitude for the game.

November 1994: After an unfortunate Tony Barone joke is caught on-air, Dave South is relieved of duties as basketball play-by-play man.

September 24, 1995: A trip to Boulder, Colorado sees Leeland McElroy’s Heisman campaign, as well as the Aggies’ national championship dreams, die a quick and painful death. I CRIED AFTER THIS GAME R.C., I SAT IN THE COLORADO STUDENT SECTION AND CRIED WHILE THEY POURED BEER ON MY HEAD, YOU ARE FUCKING FIRED FOR THAT.

March 1997: After confusing a passing train for a middle reliever, Dave South is relieved of duties as baseball play-by-play man.

November 9, 2003: I personally walk onto the field in the middle of the 3rd quarter at Gaylord Family Memorial Stadium in Norman, Oklahoma, take Dennis Franchione’s headset off, and light it on fire.

August 2005: I enter Gary Blair’s office in an effort to gain further understanding of where his program is headed. Two hours later, after four glasses of wine and a story that begins with his service in Okinawa and ends with Blair punching Geno Auriemma in the face, I have no idea what the original purpose of the meeting was.

September 2006: After a mispronunciation of Lee Foliaki that results in a 6-figure FCC fine, Dave South is relived of duties as a football play-by-play man.

March 2007: Billy Gillespie, in a blackout rage, mistakes my office for his bathroom, uses the trash can as a toilet and passes out on my desk. I softly massage his shoulders, bring him coffee, and offer him a lifetime contract.

August 30, 2008. In a sign of personal growth, I don’t fire Mike Sherman after a home loss to Arkansas State, but I do manage to sneak into the parking lot and slash his tires while he is in post-game interviews.

December 6, 2012: Within my extensive and well-placed networks, I receive word that Butch Jones is close to leaving Cincinnati for Tennessee. Knowing that his slightly awkward Midwest personality will be a terrible fit in Knoxville and lead to an inevitable firing 5 years later, I convince him to stay at Cincinnati, causing Tommy Tuberville to remain in Lubbock, which leaves Kliff Kingsbury in College Station for another year to mentor Johnny Manziel, a win for all parties involved.

December 31, 2013: Down 38-17 at halftime, defensive coordinator Mark Snyder is nowhere to be found when the 3rd quarter starts. Snyder is later discovered stuffed into a vistors’ locker at the Georgia Dome.

December 29, 2014: Using my influence as Athletic Director, I force my way into the Memphis bar Dana Holgorsen is ruminating in post-game, and ask if he has any incriminating pictures of Jake Spavital. He refuses to answer.

September 3, 2017: With the Ags up on UCLA 44-10 late in the 3rd quarter, I leave on my private plane to celebrate with friends in the wine country. I will remain there until bowl season.