Being an Athletic Director is Easy.

There’s been a lot of talk lately – MAYBE TOO MUCH TALK – about hirings, firings, regents, contracts, buyouts, tanks, etc. It’s almost enough to make one skeptical about the whole concept of collegiate amateurism, but I digress.

For those not immediately familiar, Kevin Sumlin has had a bit of an uneven stint in College Station, highlighted by one or two November swoons, and a particularly egregious evening in California earlier this year. With most thinking the end nigh, Sumlin of course has won 5 of 6 and left observers wondering where exactly 2017 is leading for the A&M football team.

While there is much debate about his future both online, and certainly in whatever well-mahoganied rooms the people paying his salary inhabit, there is one thing I know for certain: I would be a freaking amazing Athletic Director, and to prove it, let me walk you, gentle reader, through a little bit of A&M sports history and show you exactly how I, a TRUE leader, would have handled the following scenarios.

---

October 20, 1984: Jackie Sherrill loses his 3^rd game in a row, a horrible home defeat to an incredibly mediocre Baylor program that leaves Sherrill at 13-14-1. I inform him the program is headed the wrong direction, and fire his ass that night.

March 15, 1991: Despite massive NCAA pressure, I do not accept Kermit Davis’ resignation. He is ahead of the curve in regards to cheating in men’s basketball, and I intend to give him every available chance. I also encourage him to hire an intern, perhaps Bradley Stephens of Indianapolis, who, despite being a high school freshman, seems to have a high aptitude for the game.

November 1994: After an unfortunate Tony Barone joke is caught on-air, Dave South is relieved of duties as basketball play-by-play man.

September 24, 1995: A trip to Boulder, Colorado sees Leeland McElroy’s Heisman campaign, as well as the Aggies’ national championship dreams, die a quick and painful death. I CRIED AFTER THIS GAME R.C., I SAT IN THE COLORADO STUDENT SECTION AND CRIED WHILE THEY POURED BEER ON MY HEAD, YOU ARE FUCKING FIRED FOR THAT.

March 1997: After confusing a passing train for a middle reliever, Dave South is relieved of duties as baseball play-by-play man.

November 9, 2003: I personally walk onto the field in the middle of the 3^rd quarter at Gaylord Family Memorial Stadium in Norman, Oklahoma, take Dennis Franchione’s headset off, and light it on fire.

August 2005: I enter Gary Blair’s office in an effort to gain further understanding of where his program is headed. Two hours later, after four glasses of wine and a story that begins with his service in Okinawa and ends with Blair punching Geno Auriemma in the face, I have no idea what the original purpose of the meeting was.

September 2006: After a mispronunciation of Lee Foliaki that results in a 6-figure FCC fine, Dave South is relived of duties as a football play-by-play man.

March 2007: Billy Gillespie, in a blackout rage, mistakes my office for his bathroom, uses the trash can as a toilet and passes out on my desk. I softly massage his shoulders, bring him coffee, and offer him a lifetime contract.

August 30, 2008. In a sign of personal growth, I don’t fire Mike Sherman after a home loss to Arkansas State, but I do manage to sneak into the parking lot and slash his tires while he is in post-game interviews.

December 6, 2012: Within my extensive and well-placed networks, I receive word that Butch Jones is close to leaving Cincinnati for Tennessee. Knowing that his slightly awkward Midwest personality will be a terrible fit in Knoxville and lead to an inevitable firing 5 years later, I convince him to stay at Cincinnati, causing Tommy Tuberville to remain in Lubbock, which leaves Kliff Kingsbury in College Station for another year to mentor Johnny Manziel, a win for all parties involved.

December 31, 2013: Down 38-17 at halftime, defensive coordinator Mark Snyder is nowhere to be found when the 3^rd quarter starts. Snyder is later discovered stuffed into a vistors’ locker at the Georgia Dome.

December 29, 2014: Using my influence as Athletic Director, I force my way into the Memphis bar Dana Holgorsen is ruminating in post-game, and ask if he has any incriminating pictures of Jake Spavital. He refuses to answer.

September 3, 2017: With the Ags up on UCLA 44-10 late in the 3rd quarter, I leave on my private plane to celebrate with friends in the wine country. I will remain there until bowl season.