THE GREAT GIG ‘EM IN THE SKY
BY NORTH BY NORTHGATE
Not only is it finally bye week, but it’s a week we can relax after a win on the road. Enjoy it. Take a break from the weekly Us and Them and wear Any Colour You Like on Saturday— we won’t judge. Don’t let the upcoming lineup of opponents Eclipse this opportunity to unwind: take a moment to Breathe (In the Air) and spend your Money on something other than a $5 bottle of water.
I’m sure the team will also be taking the necessary Time to recover and keep the Brain Damage at bay. Coach Sumlin wasn’t available to Speak to Me on the matter, but I’m sure there might be some practices to work On the Run game. Oh, and we don’t have to worry about the refs this week.
Enjoy your week off, Ags. I'll see you on the dark side of the season.
Texas A&M - 17
Battered Aggie Syndrome - 0
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY FISH DADDY
It’s 7:30pm on Saturday. Cullen “Superman Jesus” Gillaspia has just polished off his 12th beer of the hour - for the second hour in a row. Shirtless and with the wild light of Khal Drogo in his eyes, he whistles a high-pitch warble that echoes from the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee to the pits of the Texas A&M steam tunnels. A horse, full maroon save for the white “12” emblazoned on its side, trots up. Cullen swings atop and looks to the North as the wind blows his hair majestically in the wind. He catches a glimpse of a gate in the distance. “Where the faithful gather, so to must I,” he bellows as he spurs his horse and gallops off into the night.
When we arrived at Johnny’s house for a statement we found the lights off and the door ajar. We wandered in and heard the distinctive sound of a football game on TV and saw pale light emanating from the living room. We travelled in further and saw Manziel, surrounded by half-eaten half gallons of vanilla Blue Bell and empty bottles of Jack, staring at a replay of the victorious Kellen Mond celebrating after the victory over Florida. As he brings a newly opened handle of whiskey to his mouth, we hear him whisper, “That should’ve been me….”
While we don’t know for sure, we’re pretty sure Tony is in his World War II tank that he still hasn’t moved off the street in Houston, huddled over the ever-fading light of his phone, waiting in agony to post his next and already-written Facebook post about how Texas A&M needs to fire Coach Sumlin. Undeterred by the recent cooling of Sumlin’s seat, he waits, ever vigilant.
This friend, not exactly a football aficionado, wakes up on Saturday in a panic, realizing that some of their friends might have forgotten they went to ACL. They snatch their phone, eager to right this wrong, and quickly post a photo with other friends, captioning it something along the lines of “Take me back” or “Really missing my happy place right now” or “Smiling through the pain of test week”.
At 5:30 a.m., Nick Saban wakes up the team F.O.W. style. He marches them to the middle of Bryant-Denny Stadium, then instructs them to look at the jumbotron. The screen comes to life….footage of Cullen Gillaspia blocking a punt for a safety shines down upon the cowering Crimson Tide. “NEVER AGAIN!” Saban roars as his assistants spring from the darkness and whistle for the team to start running.
While most of us either recharge or party our brains out this bye week, Rick and Morty fans, in their infinite wisdom, will continue to wait in line for whatever sauce these individuals with superior IQs treasure so dearly EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION SAUCES OUT THERE THAT ARE SO MUCH BETTER. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF CANE’S/LAYNES SAUCE OR CHICK-FIL-A SAUCE OR RUDY’S SISSY SAUCE, RICK AND MORTY FANS?? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASSES YOU ENTITLED MILLENNIAL PIECES OF GARBAGE.
BY NORTH BY NORTHGATE
This week may be a break from Texas A&M’s most important activity, but that does not mean the university is closed for business! Rather, there could be no better opportunity than the bye week to take a look at Texas A&M’s other business venture: raising $4,000,000,000.
Bringing in $4 billion is no easy task, so Texas A&M called in all of the big marketing guns to make a video that inspires donors to fearlessly front their money. Unfortunately, A&M has yet to reach that $4 billion mark, and perhaps it’s time for a different tactic.
Sure, research brings in all of the money, but all the dramatic shots of people looking in a telescope or trudging through the mud are getting a little bit stale. What student even does any of that? Texas A&M announced this week that it will be teaming up with a business giant who, coincidentally, has amassed a net worth of $4 billion: Scrooge McDuck.
In 1967, McDuck disrupted the world of finance with his film, Scrooge McDuck and Money. The film laid the groundwork for modern financial success and remains as relevant and innovative today as it was 50 years ago.
Texas A&M’s capital campaign has been updated to feature McDuck and footage from his definitive film.
To rally the student body behind the new initiative, The university has asked the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band to prepare the music to the film’s theme, “A Billion Dollars,” and prepared the Yell Leaders to teach the lyrics at Midnight Yell Practice.
A billion dollars stacked up right without an accident is about eight hundred times the height as the Washington Monument!
A billion dollars on the ground all stretched out and uncurled would extend about four times around the circumference of the world!
A billion dollars six feet wide and arched across the sea what a nice green bridge to walk alright to the beaches of Waikiki!
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY NETFLIX & DRILL
BATTERED AGGIE SYNDROME VACCINE WRONG STRAIN
Local health officials have voiced concerns that the Battered Aggie Syndrome vaccination distributed prior to the start of the season may have been for the wrong strain. With the growing number of fans getting aboard the hype train after the Alabama game, the concerns of BAS setting in early November are growing. Predictions of an 8-2 season, have led doctors uneasy over their choice to vaccinate against a standard October wave of BAS, with the syndrome arriving in mid to late November instead.
TWEETS ABOUT KEVIN SUMLIN NOT AGING WELL
With the strong performance against Alabama and the other victories, many people have rallied under the banner of House Sumlin once more. Students, current and former, have began to voice their support of Coach Sumlin, now that it is popular to do so and will help build their clout on social media. Many users have forgotten to delete their online commentary on social media about Kevin Sumlin in the post UCLA and Nicholls State game era. For extra entertainment, portray screenshots of contradictory statements about Coach Sumlin side by side.
COLLEGE STATION RESIDENTS COMING OUT OF HIDING
Usually only seen by students attending summer classes or moving in at the start of August, now you can see this local attraction too! For many students seeing the indigenous people forced to reservations in South College Station and Bryan can be an exciting experience. Watch the people whose tax dollars fund the public services students enjoy year round. Just stop at your favorite local spot and watch the residents splurge themselves on a Fuego taco or Tiff’s Treats while the students are away.
COACHES CHECK IN
BY BUFFALO WILD WAGS
Other coaches in the SEC whisper, “he’s still here?” while Coach Sumlin strolls on Texas Avenue in College Station, looking for discarded 12th Man towels to wave at the next home game. Sumlin worked through the entire weekend on plays, because there are no off days when Bama is just around the corner - if you consider “around the corner” to be Saturday September 22nd, 2018.
Coach Saban spent the weekend rewatching the closing scene from Saving Private Ryan, “I just want to live a good life… at Tuscaloosa.” Saban continues to be the dominating coach of college football, but he is still out of reach of Bear Bryant’s six national championships.
With respect to the Crimson Tide, sometimes losses can still result in moral victories. That’s not how Coach Chavis feels though. He locked his Defensive Backs and Linemen in the basement of Kyle Field over the weekend, forcing them to watch the Quentin Coryatt hit on repeat while they did one arm push ups.
Coach Malzahn took some time for R&R and gave his team Monday off to recuperate. There’s not much to do in Auburn, Alabama, so the team ended up having practice anyway then went to get some dipped cones at Dairy Queen, but it’s the thought that counts.
Following the embarrassing loss to Troy University, Coach Orgeron has started wearing a brown paper sack over his head any time he leaves his home. He didn’t even poke eye holes in in, unable to bear watching the rest of the Tigers’ season. His seeing eye parrot, Mike the Parrot, is now Orgeron’s eyes and ears at Death Valley, perched on his shoulder for all home games.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY BIG BROTHER JED
Tennessee @ Alabama
One day Tennessee's suffering will finally end, but unfortunately, it won’t be on Saturday. Even moral victories will be hard to find for Butch Jones as the Volunteers travel to Tuscaloosa to face off against the one football team that we’re actually sure is pretty good, the Alabama Crimson Tide.
We could try to actually analyze this game, but why would we? The outcome has already been decided. Tennessee loses by a large margin, Nick Saban remains stonily discontent, and Butch Jones says something completely asinine in the post-game press conference. Free will is truly a lie.
A CONFUSING "DID I LEAVE THE OVEN ON?" DEGREES OF KEVIN SUMLIN
BY WHOOP-TANG CLAN
The temperature of Sumlin's seat is currently unknown. Seriously, we do not know where we stand with him and we are scared to define the relationship. The past four games this season have been decided by eight points or less, and Aggies everywhere have been googling "Can watching football kill you?" week after week. We are the football equivalent of submitting an online assignment at 11:59pm. What do you do when a group project member constantly turns in his part of the project half assed and at the last minute? You complain but there’s nothing you can really do if they get the job done. Having no game this weekend will have the same effect on the temperature of Sumlin's seat as beating Florida by a measly two points and surviving Bama’s wrath by eight. Sumlin has been keeping us on the edge of our seats for far too long, and nobody quite knows if he will be in College Station after this season until we play it out. He has the job security of the last remaining Blockbuster employees. This bye week will be immensely important for Sumlin's job because it won't be a loss. You can't self implode if you don't play a game, and everyone is thankful. We seriously needed this break. And by "we", I mean the fans.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BY THE MUGDOWN STAFF
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
The bartender checks his watch and nudges the lone remaining guest. “Last call.” The stranger doesn’t look up. He raises his hand. The bartender prepares a final glass of bourbon. “Haven’t seen you around before. You new to town?” he asks. The stranger answers calmly beneath the brim of his hat. “Not necessarily.” The bar TV is playing college football highlights. Texas A&M beats Florida in the Swamp. “Hey, things are looking up!” the bartender says. “I don't get my hopes up, though. I’m mostly excited for basketball season.” The stranger chuckles. “I’m glad. We’re going to turn some heads.” This raises the bartender’s brows. “You’re a coach?” “Not yet. Soon, though. I have some unfinished business here.” The stranger knocks back his drink and slams the glass down. He closes his tab, gets up, and heads toward the exit. “You good to drive sir?” the bartender asks. “Lawman’s gonna be out all down Wellborn.” The stranger balls up his receipt, swings around, bends his elbow, and shoots it at a trash can thirty feet away on the opposite side of the bar. Swish. The bartender stares in disbelief. The stranger smirks. “I am the Law.”
Someone accidentally steps on John Sharp’s tail. A picture of his unsheathed crimson fangs goes viral. You shouldn’t share it, though. It’s bad for the university’s PR. Two yell leaders transfer within days of each other. Adidas announces that the Aggies will take on LSU wearing alternate uniforms made from old holographic Pokemon cards. Student body president Bobby Brooks denies admission to straight white men, effective immediately. Rick Perry is finally vindicated. New Army tears down Layne’s and replaces it with another Chipotle. New Army tears down Northgate and replaces it with a half-mile long Chipotle. New Army turns the entire damn campus into a Chipotle. Students are lost beneath a sea of rice and cilantro. Old Army is dead. TexAgs was right. May Fran have mercy on our ragged souls.