UNIFORM HELL - A SHORT SCENE
INT. NIKE UNIFORM DESIGN DEPT. CONFERENCE ROOM
BILLY FLAGSTAFF, a Sr. Designer, is attempting to make a name for himself after being assigned the development of the new Florida Gators alternate uniforms. He's ready to pitch his ideas to a group of sycophants from the Marketing Department: JERRY, KAREN, and RACHEL.
Well everyone, it's been a long 18 months, but I feel like I've finally nailed it. We're going with SWAMP GREEN!
Jerry leans back in his chair, makes an "I'm being thoughtful" face, but really looks like he's trying not to fart.
I like it. It's cerebral because you say it's green, but it isn't really... green at all. It's greenesque.
Rachel nods in approval while poorly trying to hide the fact that she just used the kitten filter on Snapchat to show her peeps that "mtgs are bae".
I like how you worked in the compression socks, alluding to the state's geriatric population. Very nice.
Billy smugly unbuttons the top button on his red flannel shirt and steps his "damn the man" Chuck Taylors up onto the conference room table in a crotch-out power pose. An Alf Fidget Spinner falls from his pocket, noticed only by Karen. He takes a long, slow inhale through his nose while adjusting his glasses.
You. Nailed. It. Additionally, I made the gator on the helmet comically small for the body intended for the jersey. Instead of it being the entire helmet, it's just a side profile placed weirdly off center and pointed upward like a scaled boner with teeth.
Karen, an actual UF grad, is vomiting on the floor uncontrollably.
I wouldn't wear those shoes to clean up dog shit in hell!
I know they're PERFECT!
I'M GONNA RUN FOR PRESIDENT!
(passes out due to vomiting)
They were all fired that day, and the Aggies emerged victorious both on the field, and in football fashion magazines everywhere.
Aggies - 31
Gators - 14
CAST OF CHARACTERS
The Ags have plenty of IMG Academy alums, but KC is a bona-fide native Floridian. And tight end. By way of Virginia Tech. This may sound familiar to you, as you may remember reading about it when the transfer happened 1.5 years ago. Anyway, welcome home, and maybe we'll throw you a pass.
The linebackers and defensive ends have been getting a lot of attention during the sack festival, but #92 is playing great football in the middle. He's got four tackles for loss in the last three SEC games and should be a major factor in slowing down the Gators' one-dimensional offense. Also, the masses demand a sack dance.
How would you like to get your first start as a true freshman against Alabama? Now, how would you like to get your second start as a true freshman on the road at The Swamp? #4 held his own against the Tide, chipping in four solo tackles. [self-important and obvious, bland sports taek]Sure tackling at the safety spot will be vital on Saturday.[/end taek]
The freshman is looking like a solid bet to break 1,000 yards. The Gators lean heavily on the run, so it's time to see if that improvement we saw against Alabama can carry forward another week. May also be called on to kick extra points, who knows.
The quarterback du jour. McElwain's played four quarterbacks this year, and all together they've yet to break 1,000 yards passing in five games. With a patchwork OL in place, it may be time for Chavis to dial up Blitzosaurus Sacks. Teams with as many passing TDs as the Gators this year: Georgia Tech, UTEP, Rutgers.
Leading the team in tackles. Also has a pick and a couple of sacks. Keeping him in check will be key to the RB passing game that found some room against Bama. May also play some QB because the Florida offense is basically a group of scarecrows connected by baling wire and powered by direct conduit to a rusty 2-stroke kerosene generator manufactured in 1953.
THE BUSINESS OF LOVE
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Bill and Melinda Gates. Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ruthless power couples forming alliances strictly for financial gain, or romantics converting the raw energies of their powerful love into millions in revenue? Whatever they may be, they've permeated every nook and cranny of the Business Realm, and college football is not excluded.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
The only other time the Aggies have visited The Swamp was in 1962, and that time did not go well. Texas A&M is not slated to return to Gainesville until 2032 I assume because future schedules are really hard to find y'all but that sounds right. The point is that if you are alive right now this is the only time you will ever get to see the Aggies in this historic venue, so live it up by getting drunk on blueberry Pucker and getting arrested for trying to sell counterfeit iPhone accessories to the drive-through teller at a Chick-fil-A.
WHAT HAVE YOU WON FOR ME LATELY
The McElwain era encapsulates the Florida living experience, a pleasant-looking development built on loose sand and looser credit. The Gators struggle with an anemic offense and a defense composed of 2 upper classmen, 7 freshmen, an 8th grade essay contest winner, and two alligators wearing a trench coat which in turn is worn underneath a uniform meant to look like an alligator. Despite coming off back-to-back SEC East division titles, McElwain will need to act quickly to right this ship before Gator fans begin to question the lucrative contract and extensions he has received to lure him away from [frantically searches notes]... the many other schools that were interested in him ever.
NO RESPECT AT ALL
Don't look now, but this Aggie squad is arguably the 4th best team in an inarguably disappointing conference this season (more on that below). That said, the good guys have yet to net even a baker's half-dozen of top 25 votes in the AP poll this season. A win this weekend* would help the Aggies crack this completely meaningless tier, if even only for a couple weeks.
* - If you are upset that I am looking ahead to rankings rather than concentrating on the game at hand, rest assured that I am not on the Texas A&M roster. If you are worried that this post will serve as some sort of rat poison that the players will read and which will cause them to perform poorly, rest assured that they don't read this shit.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
Remember when the SEC was top-to-bottom the best conference in the country? Well this ain't that. The SEC still boasts three teams in the top 10, but the gulf between the haves and the have-nots is widening. This weekend is a miasma of mismatches and football crimes. Still...
VANDERBILT @ OLE MISS
A 3-3 Vandy squad takes on a 2-3 band of Rebels? In Oxford? And Vandy's 59-0 mark was the BETTER loss to Alabama? Put on your purple skinny jeans and comb those mutton chops, because this game just crossed into so-bad-it's-good territory, you football hipster.
A BRISK 400+ DEGREES OF KEVIN SUMLIN
Argue with me all you like (I know you will anyway), but I crowdsourced this one. A seat can be hot and at the same time still be cooler than it was before. The difference between a fan saying "I want this asshole fired" and "I want this guy fired" may not seem like much, but technically that seat is cooler - if only marginally. So enjoy your technically marginally cooler seat, coach. You've earned it, or your team earned it for you. Either way please continue to win because this bit is running out of steam and apparently I've resorted to firing up the puns oh god please help.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORSE CASE / WORST CASE
The Aggies ride the momentum from playing their best game of the year against the best team in the country down into the Swamp and proceed to hunt Gators. Mond continues to find comfort in the offense and puts on a show, Kirk unleashes hell, and Chavis has been feeding the defense nothing but refined sugar and Jolt Cola for 36 hours. Kevin Sumlin settles into fall with a seat that is comfortably warm.
Hard fought loss with a score of 5 - 3. When I can't find any ice cream to drown my sorrows, a young man offers me the "next best thing". I take whatever that is and wake up 3 months later in a jungle with war paint on, carrying a bag of rocks while staring up at a mutant 200' tall gator. Saturdays are weird, y'all.