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Scoreboard: A&M over South Carolina

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Rival: slain.

South Carolina v Texas A&M Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Look, this is just how this is gonna work this year, OK? Occasionally brilliant football surrounded by inexplicably bad football and you don’t know which one is going to happen when and for how long.

The Aggies won, though, and they won by coming from behind against an SEC opponent. If you’re upset by that, remember that LSU fired their coach for losing four games last year, and they lost to Troy tonight at home.

Let’s grade it.

OFFENSE

SCALE: Import Cars

SCORE: Toyota Camry. I mean, it’ll get the job done, yeah. But nobody’s putting a poster of it up on their bedroom wall.

Another week, another learning opportunity for Kellen Mond. The freshman continues to show fits of rookie mistakes and panic, but he’s getting better at settling into the game and making the right decisions. In fact, he’s looking good enough now that I’m already worried he’ll transfer this off season.

In the end this team succeeded the way they have all season - they cut the bullshit and trusted the determination and execution of their rushing attack. Jack Ingram had it right: you’ve got to ride that Ford like it’s a stallion, and you’ve got to wear your heart just like a gun.

Keith Ford has a whole lot of giveadamn.

DEFENSE

SCALE: Mario Kart Characters

SCORE: Bowser. Sure he’s got size, and he definitely hits hard, but none of that matters once you realize corners are his weakness and you just pass.

South Carolina had 23 rushing yards. Of course that accounts for the -46 yards Jake Bentley had from 7 sacks, but that’s hardly a knock on the defense. The reason South Carolina had 23 rushing yards is that’s all they needed. The Gamecocks averaged over 15 yards per reception - that’s a first down and a half per catch. A&M’s passing defense, as evidenced by every single team we have played, is deeply flawed. Still, that shouldn’t be a problem so long as we don’t have any top ranked teams coming up soon.

[takes huge sip of coffee and googles A&M’s schedule]

SPECIAL TEAMS

SCALE: Weezer Albums

SCORE: The Green Album. Not their best work, but good enough to get them to the next one.

LaCamera was nails all night. Tripucka had a decent outing - including a great hold on a high snap for a PAT - but had a little too much leg on a couple of opportunities to pin South Carolina deep (that’s what we call it when we punt from the 38). It’s worth noting that the muffed fair catch turnover by Christian Kirk was the best offensive play the Gamecocks had in the first quarter.

COACHING

SCALE: Online Abbreviations

SCORE: smdh omg rtfb

Sumlin continues to find SEC wins to spite the frothing TexAgs masses. Chavis’ aggressive defense makes for great highlight reels for both teams. And Mazzone, well.

ONE MORE THING

Imagine spending a half-billion dollars on a new house and a year later the clocks and shitters didn’t work.

So we have a huge, marble-inlaid building where you can’t take a shit? Guess that opiate epidemic really is a problem for the elite. I wouldn’t worry about it though, I’ve never seen this team successfully go for two anyway.

Also, for the second time this season the game clock stopped working. I guess the Aggies finally found a loophole to stop running out of time. If this clock continues to stop running for no damned reason they’re gonna name it after Noel Mazzone.