Happy Friday. You survived another week. Celebrate with some carb-laden daytime B1G football, chase it with some late-afternoon Big 12 nonsense and cap it off with the evening’s arrival of the dystopian future that features a matchup between top five teams in the ACC not named Florida State.
#8 WISCONSIN AT #4 MICHIGAN
Saturday, 2:30 p.m. | ABC
[extremely Wisconsin accent]
Oh gosh, look at what we got here! Well we are just happy as a pig on Tuesday just to be included in the top 10 rankings, let alone get to come to your... quirky little town. Don't you know we just love it! You guys are just so nice for having us over.
Oh! Before I forget, we brought hotdish so just throw that in the oven at 350 for about - oh listen to me telling you how to cook in your own house. And quite a big house it is indeed! You know back in Madison we have a saying about people who show off with big things, but I am just certain that isn't the case here.
Listen before we get started I just wanted to bury the hatchet and apologize for any... unpleasantness there's been over the years. We said some things, you said some things. Let's just let those dead dogs lie and hug it out, what do ya say? Come on big guy, bring it in here! There ya go... that's nice. Yeah... let's just hug for a bit here, nice and tight. Shhhh... shhhhh... no no honey don't struggle. Just let the sleep come. Thaaat's right... just head fer that sweet sleep.
We are the mitten state. We were always the mitten state. Say hello to Schembechler for us, motherfucker.
OU at TCU
Saturday | 4:00 pm | FOX
Some of my earliest memories as a child are watching Sid and Marty Krofft TV shows. If you're not familiar, these children's shows were created by two brothers for parents of the 1970's. They are best viewed after indulging in a few peyote buttons. Well this game is the "Land of the Lost" of the Krofft shows. And I'm not talking about that shitty movie remake with Will Ferrell. It's the story of Will Marshall and he's traveled through a time warp into another dimension, where his family has to deal with dinosaurs and other creatures. Lets call this main character "Big Game Will". In his new alternate universe he's had to make friends with a pakuni creature named Chaka, played by Sam Bradford. And now he has to try and defeat a bunch of angry Sleestak's that look very similar to TCU's mascot. Big Game Bo...err...Will is trying to go back through the time portal to a world where he actually won a national championship, which feels like it happened when dinosaurs did roam the earth. If all of this sounds confusing, it should. The Krofft brothers were tripping balls when they wrote this stuff. The best way for this all to make sense is to watch this game after a handful of mushrooms and a couple of shots of vodka.
#3 Louisville at #5 Clemson
Saturday | 7:00 p.m. | ABC
“A legion of horribles, hundreds in number, half naked or clad in costumes attic or biblical or wardrobed out of a fevered dream with the skins of animals and silk finery and pieces of uniform still tracked with the blood of prior owners, coats of slain dragoons, frogged and braided cavalry jackets, one in a stovepipe hat and one with an umbrella and one in white stockings and a bloodstained wedding veil and some in headgear orcranefeathers or rawhide helmets that bore the horns of bull or buffalo and one in a pigeontailed coat worn backwards and otherwise naked and one in the armor of a Spanish conquistador, the breastplate and pauldrons deeply dented with old blows of mace or sabre done in another country by men whose very bones were dust and many with their braids spliced up with the hair of other beasts until they trailed upon the ground and their horses' ears and tails worked with bits of brightly colored cloth and one whose horse's whole head was painted crimson red and all the horsemen's faces gaudy and grotesque with daubings like a company of mounted clowns, death hilarious, all howling in a barbarous tongue and riding down upon them like a horde from a hell more horrible yet than the brimstone land of Christian reckoning, screeching and yammering and clothed in smoke like those vaporous beings in regions beyond right knowing where the eye wanders and the lip jerks and drools.”
― Cormac McCarthy, Blood Meridian, or the Evening Redness in the West