THIS IS FINE
Everything is OK and this is fine. We’re just going to take this like any other game. It’s fine. I promise this is going to be OK. It’s not like we’re ranked last in the conference in total offense, right? That would mean we’re behind Vanderbilt. Oh shit, really? Well, OK, that’s fine because we beat them. This is fine. We can improve game to game and this is fine.
I mean, look, we’ve scored 53 points this year. That’s pretty good, I mean, it’s more than half of 100. Coming off this Kentucky loss, we’re pretty pissed off. There’s nothing like a pissed off team, and we’re that for sure. It’s fine.
Coach Muschamp says that if we don’t protect, he’s going to burn out our insides with the lasers that shoot from his eyes when he’s off his lithium. That’s fine. The fact that our coach becomes Cyclops when in rage mode means he loves us, and that’s just great.
Look, this is totally fine. We’re not completely shitting our pants after watching the 6 play goal line stand the Aggies had against Arkansas last week. Their team speed should scare the shit out of us, but this is fine. You see, xanax is amazing and allows us to stare imminent death in the face unafraid. I mean, sure, we’re aware it’s coming, but we’re numb to it. Because this is fine.
Why should we fear Myles Garrett? He looks like the nicest guy in the world decided to eat the other nicest guy in the world, lift weights for 23 hours per day, and have fever dreams about lifting weights for that hour of sleep. Also, anyone with the nickname DaeDae has to be an OK fella. We’re friendly people from South Carolina, so this is fine.
Y’all. I could go on, but why bother? It’s fine.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Bit of a rough night at Jerryworld. #3 needs some redemption in the return game. Every time they punt to him They Go Blind.
Also had a few struggles against Arkansas. First year starter, so the game should slow down for him this week. Earth Stopped Cold at Dawn and every snap is perfect.
Well, yeah, also kinda had a real bad time Saturday night in Arlington. #1 plays with a chip on his shoulder and blankets the Gamecock wideouts. Proves he's at his best When He's Lonely out on the edge.
The Gamecocks' leading sack artist (4) averages a loss of 10 yards every time he gets to the QB. Hopefully this South Carolina Darius gets shut out this week. Let Him Cry.
Is apparently the starting QB. Subject of muddled, caffeine-centric metaphors uttered by Coach Will Muschamp. Has the only 2 South Carolina passing TDs this season. Hey Hey What Can He Do?
The saddest part of this entire TAILGATE is that this is the very last time I will get to include this Vine for your visual and audio pleasure. Hold My Hand.
"Prisma app? Don't need it, I don't drive little Geo cars."
"Orange is the New Black?" You mean the Tennessee alternate uniforms?
"RPO? Speedwagon, right? Great band: Time For Me to Fly is a jam."
"Do I enjoy The Weeknd? Absolutely. Ballgames Saturday and Sunday's for relaxin'."
"Three D printing? You need special glasses for that?
"Pokemon? Not really into Reggae."
"Have I seen Stranger Things? You bet. That Balki is crazy."
"Game of Thrones? That was the hardest level of Zelda."
"AirPods? I prefer Glade scented products."
"The Revenant? That like a church reality show?"
"Huh-rom-bay? No, I don't buy anything online."
"Fetty Wap? That a Star Wars guy?"
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
At the request of the university we are using this section for a public announcement. After taking a couple of years to formalize the paperwork, update the websites, and rewrite a century of history, the new words to the Fightin' Texas Aggie War Hymn have been released. Finally our fight song will reflect our burning desire to beat our true, corporate-assigned rival. In the interest of time, please have them memorized before Midnight Yell Practice.
Hullaballoo caneck caneck
Goodbye to sc university
So long to the garnet, black, and white
Good luck to dear old Texas Aggies
They are the ones who won the #branding fight
"The Fighting Gamecocks Lead The Way"
That is the song they sing so well (sounds like hell!)
So goodbye to sc university
We're gonna beat you all to chigaroogarem, chigaroogarem
Saw varsity's drumsticks off...
The good news is that Florida survived a four year battle with Big Dumb Will Muschamp Football. The bad news is that they had a hot and heavy makeout session with South Carolina while they were still contagious and now the entire SEC is at risk. If you exhibit any of the following symptoms please have your secondary report to the nearest burn center:
- vomiting and diarrhea while on the field
- season statistics that make it unclear who the starting QB was
- thoughts of suicide
- rage boners
- if you experience a non-scoring drive lasting more than four hours
Look at this trophy. This trophy looks like a bookend on a shelf full of knickknacks at an upscale Golden Corral. Third Place at the Junior Buckaroo Rodeo ass trophy. Dang trophy made from the hood ornament off Eli Wallach's Chevelle. This trophy could double as the first prize at the John Wayne Fan Club Annual Golf Tournament. Fort Stockton truck stop souvenier ass trophy. T. Boone Pickens' paperweight. Fuck this trophy.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
Tennessee at Georgia is a top 25 match up in the same way that A&M at South Carolina is a conference game: it's true, but no one cares.
With the exit of Les Miles, Missouri at LSU has the potential to be interesting like watching a fight to see who gets into the methadone clinic.
Pay special attention when Memphis visits #16 Ole Miss. The Rebels have dropped a couple of matches already and the Tigers have averaged over 51 points per game, so look out for a potential border-crossing upsehahaha just kidding Memphis gonna get rolled.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Defensegasm. Sack parade. Blow up hits. Darude flies to Columbia, enters the control room, and forcibly deletes Sandstorm from the PA hard drive. I'd name individual players, but let's just say there's a Wrecking Crew fest this year and the line up is too sick to publish. Trevor continues to improve. The dang ball is ran. Passes are caught. I meditate and am at one with the universe.
I'm forced to watch the game at a nun convention, and as the announcers refer to the Gamecock defensive line getting any penetration I'm not allowed to laugh. My eyes bleed, I have a brain hemorrhage, and am forced to go to confessional without a working mind. Weirdly my writing improves.