Good morning and welcome to the worst home game of the season. Every year I think to myself “I will never go to this game again” and then, every year, I find myself in Arlington, the most soul-sucking town in Texas.
Not enough people complained about this article last week so I’m back, your Aggie Astrologist, with your weekly AGGIE HOROSCOPE to see how you should be spending your Aggie Game Day. Cross-check the year you graduated with your definitely real “Aggie Sign” and get to drinking.
Fork over the $60, because it looks like (most of us) are going to Jerry World.
Old Army: 1920-1940
- It’s a late kickoff so you have plenty of time for complaining. The Aggies are 3-0 which means either we’re winning a National Championship or this season was a major disappointment. There is no in between. You hate AT&T Stadium because it is not Kyle Field and, for the first time ever, everyone else agrees with you. Revel in that feeling because it won’t happen again in your lifetime.
- Watch out for Donors because they are ruining the University by diversifying the student body and making campus an accepting, friendly place for everybody, not just you.
- You’re not in Jerry Jones’ private suite this year so what’s the point? You will watch the game from your summer home in Taos. And by “watch the game”, I mean that you’ll check the box score from a gondola while you’re definitely not hunting people for sport.
- Beware of the people you are definitely not hunting for sport. Haven’t you seen that Arnold Schwarznegger movie Schwarznegger movie Schwarznegger movie The Running Man or even that surprisingly not terrible Predator remake?
Politics Board Poster: 1961-1980
- You almost went to Arkansas. Or, at least you think you almost went to Arkansas. So this is a fun game for you. Try to control your vitriol for the Razorbacks and definitely do not wear your “Make The Southwest Classic Great Again” hat. On second thought, wear it. That’s actually kind of funny.
- Watch out for the sun because you probably aren’t used to that, right? It’s going to be a little toasty.
Pay Wall Payer: 1981-1983, 1985-2002
- You’re don’t want to go to the game. What’s the point? Bad Wi-Fi, bad reception … what if there was breaking recruiting news today? But today is technically a home game for your Aggies so your favorite recruits are going to be taking Jerry World by storm. Well now you have to show up to see them in person and make sure they measure up to your “ideal Aggie.” It is definitely not creepy and definitely an acceptable hobby for an adult. You can’t wait for them to really grasp the A&M home game environment today.
- Watch out for the parents of the recruits because there’s a small chance they might recognize you from your Twitter avatar and tell you to stop bothering their 16 year-old-kid.
My Dad: 1984
- “Are you going to the game? Have you heard about the giant Jumbotron? Do you think Von will start?”
- Watch out for my little brother, who is a sophomore at A&M and coming home to Dallas this weekend for the game. Check his trunk to see if he brought home any Natty Light / if he failed out of school yet.
- Watch out for RC Slocum and Mike Sherman.
- You love this game. You really really love this game. You don’t have to drive to College Station AND you get to post your maroon outfit on Instagram. It’s really a win win. Except if the Aggies lose. But you don’t really care, do you? Win Win.
- Beware of girls you used to date in college because they are ALL going to be at the game too. On second thought, don’t go to the game. Just post a selfie of you in a parking lot and no one will be able to tell the difference.
New Army: 2017-2020
- Show up to Kyle Field early so that you can get a good seat on the third deck.
- Watch out for friends who are telling you the game is in Dallas … that doesn’t make any sense, right? This is going to be so fun!