Tonight you will most likely consume the Iron Skillet game, then flip over for the end of USC-Utah when things are no longer interesting (midway through the second quarter perhaps). You’ll drift into a comfortable sleep where dreams merge with reality: the dark and verdant fields of the PAC 12, with absurdity frolicking on the fringes of your consciousness.
Then you will wake up to a harsh vision of a field of dead grass lit by pale, weak sunlight, the turf already dying in the late September chill and realize you suddenly want to watch the B1G. The notion of “seasons” is fascinating, and there is a pair of top 11 teams playing in the morning. It’s okay. Embrace it.
#11 Wisconsin at #8 Michigan State
Saturday, 11 AM, Big Ten Network
Michigan and Ohio State are getting all the ink these days, but don't sleep on these two bland, pasty mayonnaise blobs. Y'all, I hate to admit this, but the B1G is good. And it's deep. These two teams bring exactly nothing exotic or electric to a football game. Their fan bases think ketchup is too spicy and that Wonder bread is a vegetable. That's not to say they're without their charm - an 11 AM kickoff is simply a fun drinking game to see who can blackout the fastest before the clock strikes Noon. Winner gets cirrhosis and a ludicrously overpaid union job. It's a throwback to olde America.
This game will end 9-8 with the entirety of the points scored by safeties. How do you get to 9 via safeties? Well, brother - how do you get to Lansing from Madison? You build a fucking boat and start rowing across the lake. B1G Football: it's the classy football of yore consumed by vanilla drunks who lose bear claws in their navels.
BYU VS. WEST VIRGINIA (Landover)
Saturday, 2:30 PM - ESPN2
Sometimes, strangers passing on the street can be mistaken for a mirror, so close are the resemblances. There are even theories that everyone on earth has a doppelgänger somewhere, something I can confirm every time I see a Michael Fassbender film.
Take, for example the sister schools, nay, institutions of West Virginia and BYU.
On one hand: Provo, the third largest city in Utah, a state that has all but eraticated homelessness while legislating all beers under 3.2% abv.
On the other: Morgantown, a township that runs on the power of burning furniture, and considers vodka mountain dews a legitimate option to baby formula.
Seriously, it's like a damn reflection.
In fact, the home field advantages between these schools was deemed to be so close to call (and truth be told, the BYU campus was so wary of the amount of children Dana Holgerson might father on an overnight trip) that the game was moved to FedEx Field in Landover, Maryland, one of the most, um, historic venues in all of western Prince George's county.
Dear viewer, bask in the glory of these twin ships passing in the night, and don't for a second think that red bull is going unopened.
Wake Forest at Indiana
2:30 p.m. | BTN
One of these teams has allowed one passing TD all season. The other team has only scored one passing TD all season. SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE.
This is a classic meeting between the self-flagellating lost pilgrim and the accidental savant he meets on the road to ACC damnation. As Power Five inter-regional matchups go, this is technically one. This is the Full House/Family Matters crossover episode of cross-conference play.Enjoy it '90s-style: wearing a flannel shirt while sipping a Crystal Pepsi and questioning your very life's purpose.
Mississippi State at UMass (Foxborough Stadium)
2:30 pm CST | ESPN3
Why in the hell would a SEC team travel on the road to play a program that's only been in the FBS division for 5 years in the far northeast?!?! To be able to hit that hotbed of football recruiting known as Boston? To create the national exposure buzz from this game being picked up by the internet? I mean even the SEC Network said "Fuck no, we're not carrying that shit." (That's an exact quote by the way.) Does Mississippi State want to expand their brand to every Southie named Sully, Jimmy, Mattie, Timmy, and Tommy? So why is this happening?
For Dan Mullen, making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all the CLANGA, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows Stingray. And their always glad he came. You want to be where you can see, our troubles are all the same. You want to be where everybody knows Stingray.
OKLAHOMA STATE @ #16 BAYLOR
SATURDAY, 6:30 PM - FOX
These are strange days indeed for the Big XII. For the first time since the creation of the conference there is not a single member in the top 15 of the AP poll. To make matters worse, PR nightmare Baylor still leads the Big XII at #16 in the poll. Baylor achieved that #16 ranking in 2016 Big XII style, by beating three teams none of whom rank higher than 90th in the nation in FPI. But hey, they're undefeated Baylor which means they should have no problem dispatching losin'-to-the-Chippewa's-ass OSU lolololol those guys barely beat Pitt and Pitt sucks I assume without having watched them at all this year so there's no way tha-