WE'RE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN, OK?
OK, listen up. I’m a behemoth of a stadium. A big, bad, professional stadium. Don’t mind the fact that we have to play this game at night because if we kicked off at 3:00 PM the sun shining through my East-West oriented ass would be intolerable for both teams to play in during the 4th quarter, I’m as bad as it gets.
Seriously, have you seen my screen? God tried to watch a game on me and was all, “Whoa, now. Let’s tone it down a bit, that shit is huge and blinding.” Why are you people even here? I mean, you’re just going to watch the game on the TV anyway. You might as well do it at home where your embarrassing football takes will be kept to your friends, family, and God forbid Twitter. You might as well espouse your fire taeks with good WiFi. No, I know AT&T sponsors me, but that shit goes out the window with 100K people in you. I’ve got one router, y’all. What do you think I am, Kyle Field?
I say all of that to say this, Aggies. Just win the game in regulation. OK? Just this once. I’m a hard-working stadium, and I don’t get paid overtime for your pleasure. Get that? Do you understand me? Drink your $8 Miller Lite crap, dine on fast food, yell, scream, cuss, and do whatever you do… just get the hell out of here so I can get my beauty sleep. Less than 24 hours after you folk leave me, I’ll have to watch the Bears. Do you understand me? The Bears. That’s all beside the fact that I have to host BOTH of Jerry’s teams inside me in a two day span. That shit is exhausting.
Don’t you dare say “That’s what she said.” Don’t do it.
Oh, you can’t trust me because I’m a stadium and owned by a Razorback? You’re probably right, I don’t care either way. I have no affiliation, but you Aggies tend to play well within my confines since you joined the SEC, so why not just keep the trend going. Also, I follow Jen Bielema on Twitter, and she’s a total riot after losses.
I don’t care what you do, just do it before OT.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Yeah, if you're a freshman starting lineman in the SEC and can spring plays like this you'll get into the TAILGATE. Go pound some pigs.
Step 1: use White and Ford as battering rams for 45 minutes. Step 2: give this kid the ball. Step 3: avoid OT for once, sheesh.
The big man's been pretty quiet so far this season, but Arkansas' power inside game is a perfect chance for him to cause abundant mayhem in the backfield.
Currently the most efficient QB in the SEC. Unfortunately there is an SEC bylaw that states QBs named Allen will suffer dramatic mid-season falls from grace it's true we don't make up the rules just observe them.
The Hogs' leading pass-catcher has this haircut. And if it ain't good enough for Holly, it's a no-go for us.
Their second-leading tackler sounds like an Elvish rapper but is actually a badass on and off the field.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TESS'S AUDIO AND THE BIG BEAT.
I wanna tell you 'bout Texas Stadium and the Big Beat
Comes out of the Brazos swamps
Cool and calm with plenty of precision
With a back beat narrow and hard to master
Some call it manly in its toughness
Others, mean and rueful of the Western dream
I love the friends I have gathered together on this thick raft
We have constructed concessions in honor of our engulfing
This is the land where Hog football died
The Aggies in the stands brightly bannered
They are saying, "Forget the night.
Live with us in buildings of khaki.
Out here on the perimeter there are no stars
Out here we wear Adidas – immaculate."
Listen to this, and I'll tell you 'bout the heartache
I'll tell you 'bout the heartache and the loss of games
I'll tell you 'bout the hopeless nights
Erotic food for souls forgot
I'll tell you 'bout the maiden with wrought iron soul
I'll tell you this
Not even Tess will save you now for wasting first downs
I'll tell you 'bout Texas Stadium and the Big Beat
Sumlin-driven, slow and mad, like some new language
Now, listen to this, and I'll tell you 'bout the Texas
I'll tell you 'bout the Texas Stadium
I'll tell you 'bout the hopeless night
Wandering the West SEC
Tell you 'bout the maiden with wrought iron soul
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
When the pigs have the skin you will be watching one of the best line match ups of the season. The Razorbacks have won SEC offensive linemen of the week honors two weeks in a row with two different players. The Aggies will be bringing relentless Daeshon Hall, known Arky havoc-wreaker Daylon Mack, and two gigantic, muscly, and in all likelihood sentient arms with Myles Garrett attached. The winner of this battle wins the game.
THE LAST WOOOOOOOOO-SADE
For the third week in a row Arkansas will face a team from the Lone Star State, with two of those games happening in the DFW Metroplex. But don't worry that good news comes in threes for Arkansas, because the hogs already have victories over TCU, Texas State, and a very... savvy... win over Miss Texas. Here is an exclusive video of Miss America's talent portion of the competition.
GROUND HOG DAY
Y'all remember that time we rocketed into the national rankings by going undefeated to start the season, then battled out a close one with Arkansas in Jerryworld and scraped out a W? Boy, that season turned out great.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#19 FLORIDA AT #14 TENNESSEE
Hearing that Tennessee has the third longest active winning streak in FBS is like finding out that Nickelback was the 2nd highest selling foreign band in the US in the 2000s, behind the Beatles. You think "well that can't possibly be true" and then you look it up and I'll be damned there it is. The Volunteers have put together a #14 ranking based on favorable preseason reviews and the fact that they have not technically lost a game yet. They host Florida, the only ranked team in the country that can rival Tennessee in unimpressive resumes this early in the season. We are about to find out that one of these teams is just terrible.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
The Aggie defense abstains from pork all week leading up the game so they can DINE on pig all Saturday night. That's called a "cheat day" in the Crossfit, paleo, Camp Gladiator, trail running, Whole Foods community. And what a cheat day for the D. Garret and Hall cause mayhem. Mack makes like a meteor and leaves a crater in the Arkansas line. Washington does... well watch Hot Reelz. The combination of Knight, Noil, Seals-Jones, Reynolds, Kirk, Williams, Ford, White, and the O-line proves to be too much, as a second half burst of offense leads the Aggies to a regulation victory in Dallas. I sleep well because of the lack of self medication.
The ghosts of OT past come back to bite the Aggies in the ass. The game is close throughout, and Arky ties it with one second remaining to send this bitch into overtime. Field goals are traded for 5 overtimes, until BERT happens and a fake FG wins it for Pig in the 6th OT. Aggies take to Twitter, and I get arrested in a CVS looking for my fix.