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GBH WATCHLIST: the Violence of the Rams

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hate springs early and eternal this year

Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl - Utah v Colorado State
we are all RAMS tonight
Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

This is a colossal slate of openers. Your rambling college football-watching spirit-guides are back, well some of us are, and we’re opening up about a few of the games we’ll be scoping out between now and next week.

Jimmygards was actually tied up this week, but I have created this entry for him anyway because this comment was such pure, channeled college football hate that it deserved to be shared in this outlet. It needed to be freed from the confines of a comment section and put on display for all to see.

Jimmy

Colorado vs. Colorado State (Denver)

7:00 p.m. Friday

ESPN

Colorado fans

are fucking terrible. I’ve had to deal with them my whole life having grown up in Fort Collins as a Ram fan.

That school is full of rich, dim kids from California, Texas, and the east coast. Boulder is well known for it’s burnout hippie losers and trustafarians (trust fund + white guy with dreds = insufferable ass wipe driving a Ranger Rover), but the football fans at CU are something else all together. These entitled monsters are far more interested in popping molly, snorting a line, and bragging to you about their parents’ place in Breck.

They know nothing about the football team. Truly – these are football dimwits. Saturdays are an opportunity to binge drink in the morning while listening to shitty electronic music as they blurt out sexist shit at females passersby. They’ll show up late and wrecked to the football game hellbent on being complete assholes to anyone not wearing a CU beanie and a $300 fleece. They throw shit at opposing fans and each other. Because the football team has been an absolute trainwreck for the last 15 years, they’ll act too cool for college football. Having arrived late, they’ll leave early in the 3rd quarter, try to fight a small high school kid, rip a bong load, and berate girls in the hopes of hooking up with them.

They’ll graduate, get jobs as financial advisers in Denver and tell people they’re in investment banking. Think Boulder is a tolerant place? Do a little digging about what the football program has had to deal with in terms of race issues over the years.

These are Trump children in expensive ski gear and hipster beards. I hate them. Fuck CU. Go Rams. Bye.

Shooter Flatch

Kansas State @ Stanford

8:00 pm CST Friday

FS1

Did you know that Bill Snyder was the coach at Kansas State during the London Blitz? Were you aware he was the inaugural winner of the Monongahela Railways Bowl? He still has the windbreaker to prove it. So yeah, the dude has some experience in taking a team on the road against a more talented, ranked opponent. The Kansas State roster is made up of 37 JUCO transfers, 12 fifth year seniors, duct tape, meatloaf, and chicken wire. Coach Snyder will slowly grind the opposition into submission, and then send a Hallmark card with purple and white roses three days later. On the other side, you've got the Big Red Army. Stanford will line up offensively with 6 linemen, 4 tight ends, 3 fullbacks, and Heisman candidate Christian McCaffery at running back. They'll also have a studious QB. Maybe they won't. It doesn't really matter. Taking on the Stanford offense is a lot like trying to tackle a burlap sack full of hammers. While everyone likes to gush about Oregon and the LA schools, Stanford has won the Pac-12 three out of the last four years. They truly are the power football program out west right now. Settle in Friday night for some damn good football played by two very well coached teams. A perfect aperitif to prepare you for Saturday's feast.

Rush

Missouri @ WVU

Saturday, 11 a.m. | FS1

It's early in Morgantown. The sunlight glances harshly off the bright turf, and FS1's announcers are about two clicks too loud. There's grit in Holgo's eyes until halfway through his second Diet Red Bull and woodsmoke and moonshine on the warm mountain wind. You don't want to ease into your full day of watching, you want a sensory shock bath, and that's what this is. The 'Neers are projected to be a middle-of-the-pack Big 12 team, but they're always entertaining. RB Rushel Shell is a slightly-discounted Samaje Perine. Mizzou is breaking in a brand-new coach: hey look it's Herc from "The Wire." Try to grab lunch sometime around the half, the good stuff starts at 2:30.

oscarwildecat

Arizona vs. BYU (Glendale)

Saturday, 9:30pm - FS1

Each week of college football presents its own buffet in which to consume. Some look immediately at the main course, the Top 25 offerings, and are excited about what matchups will excite the country. Others look at the beginning of the meal, the amuse-bouche of the day, wondering what Big 10 morsel will satisfy the first Saturday cravings.

Then there are the sick bastards.

You know whom I'm talking to. You'll be up for those 8, 8:30, 9:30 kickoffs, rejecting both solid foods and overtures from significant others, because the west coast is the BEST coast, dammit, and things get pretty fucking weird on Twitter around 11:00 CST, and yeah - you saw that Oregon State slot receiver make that play live, suck on that east coast fanboys.

Arizona and BYU kickoff Saturday night at 9:30. I plan on being well into a bottle of Buffalo Trace, screaming at Taysom Hill, laughing at Rich Rod, and embracing you sick, beautiful people of the night.

Chuck

#10 Notre Dame @ Texas

Sunday, 6:30PM - abc

(This preview presented by random, out-of-context tweets from an #industry professional.)

Players tease. Try to give fashion tips. But #Texas HC Charlie Strong isn't giving up his Birkenstocks-n-socks style. As usual, Strong deflecting attention form the quarterback position and noting that other positions have to step up for #Texas to succeed. Charlie Strong added games to the #Texas players' lounge and helped the #Horns come together as a team. #Believe. But what if it does change things? I'm willing to extend hm that benefit of the doubt for a game or two.

Some QBs are content to sit on the bench and hold out hope. #Horns fans will reserve the right to freak out, I suspect, but good lookin' out. Already making plays at his new position, #Texas WR Jerrod Heard is "loving every minute" of his selfless transition. Says a lot about Jerrod Heard that he was willing to ask to move from QB so he could contribute to the team. I don't know about that, just may not have been enough. Makes it an easier choice when you have the speed and ball skills that Heard has shown already.

Despite dismissal of Max Redfield, other four recently-arrested Notre Dame players will be available vs. Texas.

I'm lucky that I wasn't a Texas fan in 2011, so I don't hate him like a lot of fans. I was on Illinois fan. Came to UT in 2002. Despite recent slips in Houston, Dallas, #Texas still holds large lead over #TAMU in state's college sports loyalty.

Thanks. #VYForever