Your Aggie Gameday Horoscope for 9.17.16

How are you going to spend your Aggie Game Day? It’s our first away game of the season, which means you need all the help you can get planning your watch party. Cross-check the year of you graduated with your Aggie Sign and help maximize your weekend with this handy AGGIE HOROSCOPE.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS SATIRE. THIS IS NOT A REAL HOROSCOPE. THIS DOES NOT TELL THE FUTURE (LIKE A REAL HOROSCOPE.) ALSO ... SORRY, DAD.

Old Army: 1920-1940

• You’re excited for a Fightin’ Texas Aggie Game Day but nervous about what new-fangled contraption the football team might be wearing. What is it going to be this time? Shoes with cleats? Helmets with more than one bar for a facemask? And if they’re wearing anything but maroon or white this weekend … you shudder as you remember what you did in 2013 before the LSU loss when they ran out wearing gray. Watch out for non-Corps members … because what do they even know about being an Aggie?

Donor: 1941-1959

• Make sure you set your alarm so you don’t miss the plane to Jordan-Hare Stadium. Private jets don’t just wait for anybody. Make a mental note to donate a little bit more next year so you don’t get stuck next to Old Army on the plane ride back. Beware of the Pay Wall Payer, who thinks that he is the one that is secretly in charge of the football program, definitely not you.

My Dad: 1960

• “Who are we playing this week? Auburn? Where are they again? Are they good this year? Do you think Von will start?” Watch out for this following Monday when you might have to talk to co-workers about our linebacker situation but you only know the names of three of our defensive players.

Politics Board Poster: 1961-1980

• Today will bring you much joy because today you can combine your vitriol for a school of higher education and your vitriol for where this country is heading (the toilet.) Beware of Bullcasters.

Pay Wall Payer: 1981-2002

• Why watch the game? You know everything that is about to happen against Auburn. Who needs a horoscope when you can literally predict the future? You are in Sumlin’s inner circle, he just doesn’t know it yet. You put on your 2005 Nike Gameday Polo and step outside for the first time this week. Watch out for New Army, because they will ruin your game-watching experience at Wings ‘n More.

Fran: 2003-2007

• Watch out for RC Slocum and Mike Sherman.

2%er: 2008-2016

• Grab your neon shirts and all of the friends who didn’t pay attention at Fish Camp, this is your day. Today is an away game, which means you get a Saturday “back “ so you can, I don’t know, work a little or mow the lawn or go to the park with your kids or whatever people do besides obsess over their football team online. Enjoy telling everyone you see while you’re out that “You love weekends without football games because you can actually ‘get stuff done.’” Beware of Pay Wall Payers, especially if they see you without WatchESPN pulled open on your phone.

New Army: 2017-2020

• 6:00 kick-off? You can maybe make some time for that if you push around your schedule. It’s an away game … you tell people you’re going to use your “weekend off” to visit high school friends in Houston (even though you really grew up in The Woodlands.) Watch out for Tech fans also home for the weekend.