This week, there are several shiny packages to consume. We’ll open them, but only once we’ve unearthed the battered, clearance-section treasures buried deep in the wire bin of college football this weekend. It’s time to get DARK.
New Mexico at Rutgers
11 a.m. Saturday | ESPNews
"What's wrong with Camacho he's finally lost it poor chap." Well, you may be right. This is partly macabre curiosity and partly that I’m nearly out of painkillers from a recent hospital stay. But my mind is locked on this spectacle. This is roughly the equivalent of Dustin Diamond knife-fighting Willie Aames in an abandoned post-apocalyptic K-Mart parking lot. This is somehow a game involving a P5 team. Bob Davie's LOBO RED PERSUASION continues to be baffling: after knocking off Boise and Air Force and hanging with Arizona in a bowl last year, he lost to vastly outgunned rival New Mexico State last week for the first time since 2011.
And Rutgers...what can be said of Rutgers other than their coach publicly yearns for a team full of undersized non-scholarship players. This will be a heavy dose of the NM power run game (THE DAVIEBONE?) against a patchwork of regurgitated football styles that attempt to hearken back to that one time ten years ago when Rutgers was ranked #7. It's your classic fish-out-of-water comedy about a western cowpoke finding hijinks in the big city. It's "The Cowboy Way" come to life: New Mexico is Woody Harrelson and Keifer Sutherland and Rutgers is the disgusted waiter.
Vanderbilt at Georgia Tech
11:30AM | ACC Network
So, did you guys have that one friend in high school that was, like, WAY too smart? The dude who spent most of his time getting baked, reading Proust, and occasionally answering questions in a way that made you realize you had no idea what was asked? Well, my friends' name was Stewart, and I vividly remember the day junior year that he casually informed us that he had made a 1600 on the SAT, and how did you guys do?
Cool guy, that Stewart .
Anyways, he went on to major in biomolecular engineering at Georgia Tech, and always had access to super good drugs. Last I heard, he was either in prison, or in talks to buy a nuclear reactor in northern Maine, I can't really remember which. But I'll pour a little bit out for him while watching Vanderbilt linebacker Zach Cunningham slowly wring what little life is left in Paul Johnson's veins.
P.S: Take the under.
Alabama at Ole Miss
2:30 pm CST
It's May of 2017, and Lane Kiffin is just getting home in Raleigh, North Carolina after a day at the office as the new head coach of the Wolfpack. He's wrapped up his first spring camp and is ready to head into the summer. Life is moving at a nice pace for Lane now. Raleigh is a nice city, but feels like a small town. His neighbor is a young single professional lady, and quite attractive to the eyes. They've spent a few innocent evenings having a picnic outside in the backyard, enjoying the mild spring weather. Lane is having her over for dinner, so he wants to get the meal prep going. He opens the cabinets and fear overcomes him immediately. The cans are straightened, stacked, and rotated just to perfection. His heart skips a beat. His brain tells him there's no way he's found him. He escaped the past. This can't be happening. Lane runs to the bathroom and panic sets in. The towels. The hand towels are aligned perfectly. And then he hears the music playing. My god. Saban has found him. The abusive ex had somehow tracked him down and found him. Lane turns, and there he is. Saban's five foot frame isn't intimidating, but Lane knows the fury that resides inside. Saban lunges, but Lane notices the crystal football Saban had given him, and smashes it over his head, killing him instantly. Finally, the nightmare is over. Lane is no longer Coaching With The Enemy. Lay the points, Roll Tide.
Oregon at Nebraska | 2:30 PM | ABC
Ah, yes. Two lily white states devoid of local football talent that have had their own versions of commendable success in recent history. A breakdown, if I may: