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Five ways to maximize your fun at Kyle Field

Don't just enjoy it. Have fun with it.

Aaron M. Sprecher/Getty Images

Picture this: it's a sunny, humid day at Kyle Field. The temperature? Somewhere near the 100 emoji. The heat index? Flame emoji. Texas A&M and UCLA are about to square off in a game that is sure to include lots of commentary from the announcers about how great Charlie Strong is doing over there in Austin.

UCLA wins the toss (they probably cheated) and elects to receive. The crowd yells, the ball is kicked, and now it's up to you. How are YOU going to affect the outcome of this game? I'll tell you how. The only proven method for making your guys tackle their guy is to yell, in your craziest, over-the-top, kind of high-pitched voice, "KILL HIM! KILL HIM! RIP HIS HEAD OFF!!!!!"

Does yelling that phrase really work? Two part answer. First of all, yes, yes it does. And secondly, I don't know, but it's really fun. Yelling "kill him, rip his head off" is one of the things I look forward to the most each year and it also happens to be why I'm not allowed to watch youth football anymore.

But it's fun! And that's what this article is about. To be clear, I don't need anything to spice up my experience with Aggie football. It's already great on its own. But I do like to add a splash of silly to my day, and here are some suggestions and ideas for how you can enjoy your days too, even when A&M is getting beaten like Scott Schwartz in A Christmas Story.

Idea #1: See above. Encourage your team to kill the opponent and rip said opponent's head off. Our players like to receive specific encouragement.

Idea #2: Try to count how many times you hear someone near you say something that is completely false and/or factually incorrect. You'll hear statements like "I'll never forget back in '92, when Bonfire fell and they had to rebuild it because the Southwestern Conference couldn't be on t.v. that year so we played t.u. at Kyle Stadium and Bucky Pullig intercepted four passes, boy that was the loudest I ever heard a stadium get. They call it the hurricane game because of Leeland McElwain returning that punt. That was the day Reveille got her sixth star."

Idea #3: Work hard, amass wealth, and maybe use something called a "shell corporation" to do something, and then get a Founder's Suite at Kyle Field. I imagine that makes the game pretty fun.

Idea #4: Paint your face, your body, your pets. Make signs that make the opponents cry. What you want to do is create an aura, a vibe, an environment in which everything is combining to intensify and focus your hate rays upon the evil opponent. I mean, keep it classy and don't cheer for an injury or anything, but at the same time, shoot your hate rays at the opponent with such intensity and vigor that they talk about you in the postgame press conference. If that means accusing your opponent of spooning together, then so be it.

Idea #5: Develop a rivalry with a little old lady. For me, it's my grandmother. This is true. She's 96 now, and she is a Longhorn. Somewhere during my youth, we started this fun tradition where one of us would send the other a sympathy card after the A&M-t.u. game every year. It was always fun to send it and it would always make me laugh to receive it.

Alright, the comments section is there for you to add to this list. Let's hear what you've got.